Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/2/14

It’s #givingtuesday!  Do you know what that means?  Neither do I!  Business!

American Joey Chestnut won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut over the Thanksgiving holiday, eating an entire 20-pound bird.  He received $5,000 for the feat, which will be put towards a new pyloric sphincter.

West Virginia has elected America’s youngest state legislator, 18-year-old Saira Blair, a freshman at West Virginia University.  “She seems like a fine choice,” said voter Wilhelmina Pauling, 87.  “To be honest… there aren’t many people left in this state.”

Let’s all take a second to acknowledge Anna from PR, who successfully orchestrated a military coup in Burkina Faso!  And she still made it back in time to carve the turkey… bravo!

According to recent reports, a Hungarian researcher noticed a lost work of art while watching the 1999 children’s movie Stuart Little.  The masterpiece, seen on the movie’s living room set at various points, is titled Jonathan Lipnicki’s face.

Attorney General Eric Holder forgave protesters who interrupted his recent speech with chants about Ferguson, Missouri, telling them “I ain’t mad at cha.”  He then added, “See what I did there?  Tupac was killed by a gun.  Get it?  Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.”

And you call yourself a journalist… Jerry, you should be ashamed.

The FBI has warned the US military of impending attacks by ISIS.  In a series of leaked memos, the FBI also warned against “the possible rise of fascism in Weimar Germany” and “Soviet aggression in the sovereign state of Vietnam.”

“Cyber Monday” deals extended to the so-called “Dark Web” this year, with criminals offering discounts on everything from narcotics to stolen credit card information.  “Yup, just come on down to Bill’s Discount Assault Weapons, located in the abandoned water tower off State Highway 3 in Watonga, Oklahoma to claim your deal!” wrote one merchant, known only as “Sid.”  He later added, “Shit.”

A Florida man claims he shot his mother full of arrows because she “gave [his] father cancer.”  Florida and Nevada remain the only states in the US where it is legal to marry a cigarette.

It’s deer hunting season on the company campus!  But please… don’t shoot the interns.  We don’t need a repeat of last year.

The combined cost of all the items in the holiday carol “The 12 Days of Christmas” has risen an estimated 1% from last year.  Experts attribute the rise to an uptick in the price of cocaine, which is necessary to keep the pipers piping and the lords a-leaping.

The NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been accused of holding stadium employees in “indentured servitude.”  “Look at it this way,” explained Commissioner Roger Goodell in a recent press conference, “they sell fans hot dogs and, in exchange, we don’t punch them in elevators or drive drunk with them in the car.  It’s a win-win.”

It’s getting dark early these days!  Stock up on vitamin D… before it’s too late.

-The Chairma

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/27/14

Happy Thanksgiving!  Can I borrow someone’s buckled shoes?

A Montana branch of the Klu Klux Klan has begun accepting new members regardless of race, religion or sexuality.  “We want to encourage everybody to join,” said chapter leader John Abarr of Great Falls, “provided he or she has killed at least one black person.”

In related news, a grand jury in Ferguson, MO has decided not to indict Darren Wilson, the white police officer who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Michael Brown in August.  “There’s simply not enough evidence to indict him,” the grand jury’s decision read, “plus, we’d like an excuse to loot some jewelry stores.”

Two thumbs way up for Anna from marketing!  This past Saturday, she was finally able to commune with the ghost of Roger Ebert.  Turns out Grown Ups 2 wasn’t bad, just misunderstood.  Glad we cleared that up!

Political strategist and entertainer Ben Stein recently called Barack Obama “the most racist president we’ve had.”  When asked about the comment, the President responded, “Huh.  Who wants to see season one of  ‘Take Ben Stein’s Money’”?

A Washington-based megachurch has closed some of its branches after its founder called women “penis homes.”  “I meant that women are incredible beings endowed by God with myriad holy responsibilities,” clarified founder Mark Driscoll in a recent interview.  “They are also phallus shelters, semen condominiums, and sperm wigwams.”

A new study indicates that psilocybin mushrooms may help smokers quit smoking.  And start doing battle with the thousands of tiny cockroaches covering their bodies and those of their loved ones.

Jerry, please refrain from referring to your fantasy football season as the Trail of Tears.

Divers have found the remnants of an ancient civilization off the coast of the Greek island of Delos.  The Greek government is reportedly “very excited” to have found an example of a civilization in the region that once had money.

The new name for Kraft Foods Inc. sounds like a Russian term for oral sex.  “To be fair,” wrote Kraft CEO W. Anthony Vernon in a statement, “what doesn’t?”

Don’t forget to check out the company’s Thanksgiving pageant, Plymouth Rocks!, featuring the Greater Halifax Gay Children’s Choir, tonight at 6 PM in conference room B.  It’s “Purentertainment!”

A new study suggests that texting puts 60 pounds of stress on a person’s neck.  If the text is from a mother-in-law, it can be up to 120 pounds.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has reportedly turned to drinking “snake wine,” wine mixed with the rotting body and venom of a dead snake, to treat his sexual dysfunction.  The glorious leader’s wife has said she has “definitely noticed a change” and, “if I don’t say that, they’ll kill me.”

The pilgrims died for our sins.  Gobble gobble!

-The Chairman

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