Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/1/20

Good Morning Flat-Curvers,

April Fools! It is neither “good” nor the “morning.”

Business!

For the first time since World War II, Wimbledon has been canceled. Would-be competitors are being urged to practice activities that allow for appropriate distancing from others, such as tennis.

President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus has touted hockey, vodka, and traditional saunas known as “banyas” as treatments for the coronavirus. “That is the wrong message to be sending,” Director of the United States National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters on Tuesday. “Only two out of three of those work.”

Anna from the infirmary, seems everybody wants a piece of you! Especially me 😉

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson has tested positive for coronavirus. Since the diagnosis, the number one Google search in Britain has been, “How can a virus catch a virus?” 

The World Happiness Report recently ranked Finland as the world’s happiest country for the third year in a row. The organization has since updated its rankings to account for coronavirus, replacing Finland with Madagascar.

Jerry, roller derby is not an “essential service.”

A Democratic congressman from South Carolina has tested positive for coronavirus. Republican leaders have said the diagnosis should serve as a warning to all future Democrats planning to run in the state.

The head of the Philippines armed forces has also tested positive for coronavirus. “I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters about the news, “he’s the head of a non-Western military, so we were gonna kill him soon anyway.”

If you haven’t already, please download Tor. This could go on for a while and we’re gonna do some really illegal shit!

New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton has reportedly recovered from coronavirus. Authorities are still questioning Gregg Williams in relation to the infection.

In other recovery news, a 102-year-old woman in Italy has beaten COVID-19. When asked her secret, Italica Grondona replied, “Not living in the United States.”

Will it be April Fools… forever?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/15/17

Slight weather-related delay on the memo today… you would think a “server farm” belongs outside, but you would be wrong.  BUSINESS.

The European Parliament has voted to end visa-free travel for Americans within the EU.  The move has been met with confusion by US lawmakers, many of whom thought Europe was one country.

A new study indicates that large swimming pools may contain up to 20 gallons of urine at any given time.  21 at a Sheraton.

Anna from Legal, you are KILLIN IT.  “It,” of course, is the chimpanzee on whom we’ve been testing our latest skincare product.  Report to my office immediately.

A Swedish city council member has suggested the country’s workers be entitled to paid sex breaks.  “Yes, this makes sense for them,” said Finnish Prime Minister Juha Sipilä of the idea.  “They have always been a country of whores.”

An Irish soccer player has been forced to pay an Elvis impersonator 230,000 Euros after an incident at a Dublin nightclub in 2013.  The €230,000 is €229,000 more than the impersonator has made in his life to this point.

Jerry, you cannot write off “corporeal depreciation” on your taxes.

In honor of International Women’s Day last week, German airline Lufthansa employed all-female flight crews on several of its routes.  It was a pleasant surprise for passengers, who were able to save on tickets thanks to the pay gap.

A Pennsylvania state senator went after Donald Trump on Twitter last month, calling him a “loofa-faced shit-gibbon.”  The man, Daylin Leach, is now the Democratic frontrunner for president in 2020.

Judging by the smell, jihad is being waged in our third floor fridge.  Please clean it out immediately or I will be forced to send in ground troops.

A five-year-old girl from Oklahoma has become the youngest person ever to qualify for the Scripps National Spelling Bee.  As a result, she will be eligible to enroll at the University of Oklahoma this fall.

Last week, a trillion-dollar asset manager placed a statue of a defiant little girl in front of Wall Street’s famous bull statue.  Fans of the statue have called it empowering, while critics have said that it is yet another example of the elites flaunting Pizzagate.

If anybody asks, I thought a/s/l meant “all (the) single ladies.”

-The Chairman

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