Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/31/18

Back from the dead… IT’S THE HALLOWEEN MEMO.

👻🎃🧟‍♀️

The pumpkins are carved, the children are costumed, and the candies are razorbladed, so LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

SPOOKY BUSINESS.

A new survey of millennials found that 57% would rather travel than have sex. 30% said they would rather have sex than travel, while 13% wrote that they “will work for food.”

The entirety of Lake Waitaki, an abandoned town in New Zealand, is for sale for $2.8 million. The remote town is being advertised as “the perfect location to hunt man for sport.”

And the winner of our 16th annual costume contest is… Anna from Maintenance! You ARE a slutty janitor!

British low-cost carrier EasyJet plans on introducing a fleet of battery-powered airplanes by 2030. Experts say EasyJet is the perfect airline to experiment with the high-risk aircraft, as many of its passengers “wouldn’t be missed.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has referred a plot to pay a woman to make false claims of sexual assault against him to the FBI for investigation. Mueller got out in front of the potential claims this week, saying that the only person he’s ever wanted to fuck is Donald Trump.

For the love of god, Jerry, at least lose the bone saw.

A Florida woman who says she is Jewish has received death threats after decorating her lawn with a Halloween display depicting skeletons in a concentration camp as a means of protesting her homeowners association. “I know my history,” Susan Lamerton told local reporters Tuesday, “and Hitler’s HOA eventually caved.”

In other Florida news, the state’s Commission on Ethics has found that the mayor of a town near West Palm Beach promised a constituent he would erect speed bumps in exchange for sex. “This is nothing,” Mayor David Stewart said in a deposition. “You should see the price for a stoplight.”

BOO! Our Q3 numbers are SCAAAAARRRYYYY!! And that’s not a good thing.

Senator Lindsey Graham has said he will introduce legislation aimed at banning birthright citizenship after Donald Trump suggested drafting an executive order with the same goal. “The only thing that should determine your citizenship is your race,” Graham said in a recent statement. “Whoops.”

British scientists have taught dogs to diagnose malaria in patients by smelling their socks. “This is a very exciting development,” professor Steve Lindsay of Durham University told reporters, “one that will greatly increase diagnosis rates in areas with access to quality footwear and specially-bred dogs with hours upon hours of vigorous training by highly-skilled professionals.”

This Halloween, let us remember the less fortunate: the dead.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/7/18

Olé, fellow Del Toros! (Wo)Man… what an inspiring Oscars. If I learned one thing from the In Memoriam, it’s that straight white men are on the way out!

And taking their place: straight fish men!

What a world. Business!

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, is suing the erstwhile developer. Daniels is reportedly asking for 15 seconds of her life back.

A former Russian spy living in England is in critical condition after being exposed to an unknown substance. Though the incident echoes infamous poisonings of other spies by the Russian government, experts suspect British cooking.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on winning the company Oscar pool! Enjoy your free month of Hulu!

The father of a survivor of the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida reportedly doctored emails to make it seem like CNN scripted a question during a town hall held in the wake of the incident. “The most important takeaway from the horrible attack on our children perpetrated at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas high school last week,” Glenn Haab, father of student Colton Haab, said of the incident, “is that CNN is fake news.”

A man featured in a viral advertisement for a dating site geared towards Trump voters was revealed to have a felony child sex conviction. A subsequent investigation discovered 90% of the site’s users did as well.

Jerry, Get Out is not “the new Birth of a Nation.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly investigating $40,000,000 in suspicious transactions made by former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, including $25,000 spent at New York pharmacy Duane Reade. Manafort initially flagged the charge as fraudulent, but was later found to have purchased 15,000 bottles of Wite-Out.

Gun maker Storm Ruger has been forced to cut 700 jobs due to poor sales. The cuts have caused the retailer to rethink its employee discount.

It’s snowing on the East Coast! Why not curl up with a nice hot mug of baby mice wine! It’s twice as mice©!

An investor group led by women has canceled its plans to buy the former Weinstein Company. “Oh, I’m sorry, Harvey” lead investor Maria Contreras-Sweet said after the announcement, “did we pull out too soon?”

Last week, a church in Pennsylvania held a blessing ceremony for the AR-15 rifle, the same gun used in last month’s school shooting in Florida. The ceremony left four martyred.

And the Oscar goes to… the salmon I ate for lunch!

It’s about time for a sea change…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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