Happy Lent, sheeple! In celebration of our oldest and Christianest holiday, I’ve decided to give up not writing memos for forty days! No, that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting a memo a day (who has time for that?), but it does mean you’ll be getting them regularly from now until the end of time. Seeing as North Korea just tested a long-range missile, I should be off the hook soon. Business!
It was revealed last week that Bernie Sanders is the only presidential candidate who pays his interns, at a rate of $10.10 an hour. Upon hearing the news, Donald Trump began paying his previously unpaid interns $15 an hour. When asked about his decision, Trump replied, “I will not be thought of as cheaper than a Jew.”
Japanese decluttering guru Marie Kondo, author of the popular book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is in New York City this month, filming herself helping local residents tidy their homes. When asked how she felt after interviewing several prospective clients, Kondo replied, “I’m a little surprised… I’ve never seen so much live-action porn.”
Everybody throw some beads at Anna from Sales! No, she didn’t flash anyone at our annual Mardi Gras fête, but she did ferry 23 employees with alcohol poisoning to the ER. Safest year yet!
A team of scientists has announced the detection of “gravitational waves,” the final piece needed to fulfill Einstein’s general theory of relativity. These particular waves, created when two black holes slam forcefully into one another, were a result of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having sex.
Speaking of West, he and Taylor Swift are at odds again after West raps about having sex with the popstar on his forthcoming album. As West has yet to release the track in question, there is no word yet on whether or not he lets Swift finish.
After a 408-2 vote in the House of Representatives, the United States Congress has passed new sanctions against North Korea, as the rogue nation continues to develop its nuclear weapons program. When informed of the bill’s passage, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley exclaimed, “How’d North Korea get two votes?”
Jerry, you did not send HGH to Peyton Manning’s wife.
In one of his final interviews from aboard the International Space Station, American astronaut Scott Kelly said the Earth’s atmosphere looks “very, very fragile,” citing parts of Asia and Central America as the most polluted. Kelly, who is white, was immediately decried as racist, censured by the United Nations, and jettisoned into the vast nothingness of space, never to return again.
Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz recently pulled a campaign ad titled “Conservatives Anonymous” because it featured a former softcore porn actress. Amy Lindsay, whose onscreen credits include Erotic Confessions,Deviant Whores, and Star Trek: Voyager, lambasted Cruz on Twitter, revealing that Cruz had told her on set that he “had seen all her films” and admired her “perky, elliptical nipples.”
How bout that Super Bowl, am I right? I mean, was that the Super Bowl or The Wiz Live? Right? Formation!
Scottish tennis player Andy Murray became a father this week, when wife Kim Sears gave birth to a healthy baby girl. The child was due several years ago but, like her father, she took much longer than expected to break through.
January Jones sparked pregnancy rumors by showing up at the Super Bowl with what appeared to be a baby bump. The identity of the child’s father is unknown, but it has been confirmed that he is a better actor than its mother.
I’m gonna drink a whole lotta Budweiser tonight, that’s for sure.