Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/13/19

Good evening Boeing shareholders,

You’re fucked!

Business!

When Walmart US CEO Greg Foran recently asked employees to email him with complaints, he received about 2,700 responses. Foran said he initially expected to receive more before remembering that most Walmart employees are too poor to own a computer.

A new bill introduced in the California state legislature aims to allow residents to salvage and eat roadkill. The state is desperately seeking a use for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Anna from Accounts Payable, you really should smile more.

UFC fighter Conor McGregor was arrested in Miami Beach on Monday for allegedly smashing the cell phone of someone who was trying to take his picture. The phone was the 15th-ranked middleweight in the UFC, and a rematch has already been scheduled for later this year.

An Arizona woman was attacked by a jaguar after crossing a zoo barrier in an attempt to take a selfie. Luckily, Blake Bortles was intercepted before he could cause serious harm.

Jerry, I knew you didn’t get into Yale for women’s soccer.

A high school jersey of Kobe Bryant’s that was stolen several years ago was returned to the superstar by a Chinese man who thought he had purchased it legally. “I don’t know who initially stole it,” Bryant told reporters Tuesday, “but it has the distinct taste of Shaq’s ass.”

In recently resurfaced audio from the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show, Fox News host Tucker Carlson calls Iraq “a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semiliterate, primitive monkeys.” A majority of Republicans have since condemned Carlson for his blatant disrespect of US troops.

Join us this Friday at 3 AM in Conference Room B5 for our semiannual staff enrichment lecture! See if you can guess our guest speaker! (Hint: She definitely didn’t kill her roommate.)

Health care costs for an unvaccinated Oregon boy who almost died of tetanus in 2017 totaled almost $1 million. The boy’s parents say it was a small price to pay for not having autism.

China is planning to introduce a new fleet of driverless magnetic levitation trains by 2020. Authorities say the trains will be able to shuttle some 10,000 Uyghurs a day to concentration camps at speeds of up to 600 MPH.

Hang on…

Yup, still fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/16/18

Dearest underlings,

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers over the last several months. Good news: they worked! We have a war in the Middle Ea$t! 58 dead and counting! Tragically, of course. Very, very sad.

AAAAAAAAnywaaaaaaayyyy, when added to the ongoing conflict in $yria, this latest Pale$tinian-I$raeli clash should bring several new revenue streams into our purview. As they say: next year in Jeru$alem! If it still exists…

Business!

Donald Trump Jr., in the process of divorcing wife Vanessa, is reportedly dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Trump Jr. said he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father, who is blowing the network.

The “deodorant challenge,” a trend where teenagers spray aerosol deodorant onto each other’s bare skin to see who can endure it the longest, is causing second-degree burns. Officials have advised against it in every country except France, where they say participants should “use deodorant at all costs.”

Ramadan Mubarak, آنا from Accounting! Gotta fit into that burkini!

According to a new study by health insurer Cigna, most Americans are considered lonely. Cigna has since assured respondents it has many different health plans to combat said loneliness, starting at $2,000 a month.

Russian President Vladimir Putin scored 5 goals in an exhibition hockey game last week in Sochi. A reporter later asked Putin if the other team let him score, and was summarily hanged.

Jerry, it’s Yanny.

Red Sox pitcher David Price has denied allegations that he developed carpal tunnel syndrome from playing the video game Fortnite. “I don’t play that game too much,” Price told reporters Monday. “But boy, do I masturbate.”

A new study suggests the drug Ecstasy may be an effective treatment for PTSD. The controversial study is titled “Common Sense.”

In celebration of the Supreme Court’s virtual legalization of sports gambling, we’ve opened our very own sportsbook in Conference Room D! Free wings if you wager on the Browns!

The spread of an ancient skin-eating fungus that has been killing off large numbers of amphibians around the globe has been traced back to the Korean War. “I would like to express my sincere remorse,” Korean War veteran Daryl Johnston said in response to the discovery, “I should never have fucked that frog.”

After discovering a bug earlier this month, Twitter recommended all of its users change their passwords. Shortly thereafter, Sean Spicer tweeted, “TRuMpisInn0cent!$&1:)”

Anytime you can move the location of an embassy with only 58 dead, you simply must.

It’s $imple math.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 10/27/16

As last week was spent prepping for, feeding answers to Hillary during, and ultimately manipulating media coverage after the last debate, I was unable to communicate with you “individuals” who will bear the brunt of this glorious “election” to come.  My “sincerest” apologies.  Just know that everything I did last week was in service of your futures.  If they’re bleak, you have me to blame.  If they’re just what you wanted, you have me to thank.  And if they’re both, everything is going according to plan.  Business!

A leading American psychosis expert has advised only using marijuana after the age of 30 to avoid possible mental health issues.  The suggestion is currently irrelevant because, as Fox News has reported, everyone under 30 was given a cannabis injection at birth as part of the War on Christmas.

A 2013 Facebook photo of comedian Bill Murray has the Internet in a frenzy, as many believe it is actually a picture of Tom Hanks.  “People like it because it’s the ultimate thought experiment,” University of Chicago sociology professor Dr. Peter Musselman said of the photo.  “They’re forced to ask themselves: is this the stupidest fucking thing in human history?”

Anna from IT, your body positivity is contagious!  Errybody in the office gettin’ fat!

An activist dressed as a city construction worker has destroyed Donald Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  The man, Jamie Otis, told reporters he really took to heart Michelle Obama’s words from the Democratic National Convention: “When they go low, we pick up a sledgehammer.”

Starbucks is introducing almond milk at a number of its US locations.  The socially and environmentally conscious company has assured consumers it will only use milk from grass-fed almonds free of the controversial recombinant almond growth hormone.

Jerry, there are no “absentee ballots” for the weekly meeting.

Fox News anchor Shepard Smith has come out as gay.  As a result, several thousand of the network’s viewers now believe they have AIDS.

Serial subject Adnan Syed’s lawyers have filed a motion to have him released on bail.  If the motion succeeds, Syed will be allowed to go free provided he stays at least 500 feet from any Best Buy parking lot.

FYI- the China office has requested that we not update our iPhones to the latest iOS yet.  They also don’t want us changing any of our passwords until further notice.

Due to plate tectonics, Australia has shifted almost five feet in the past 20 years.  The change has not had much of an impact on the country, as most of its citizens have been too drunk to notice.

At the White House’s recent South by South Lawn festival of ideas, actor Leonardo DiCaprio revealed that he has signed up to go to Mars.  “I did it for the good of humanity,” DiCaprio told assembled reporters, “and, someday, I’d like to fuck the moon.”

No, no, Lou, it’s not the Mormon mafia, it’s the Jewish mafia… Jesus Christ, get Chuck Todd back in here!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/22/16

Wow, what a day!  I’m soooooooooooooooooo “high.”  Business!

New York magazine alleges that professional buffoon Donald Trump has an “arsenal” of secrets about Fox News chairman Roger Ailes with which he could blackmail the network head.  According to the magazine, Trump is one of the few people to have visited Ailes at his home office: Hell.

Personal care giant Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $72 million as part of a lawsuit linking its baby powder to ovarian cancer.  As part of the settlement, the company will also change its slogan from “No More Tears” to “Lots More Tumors.”

Anna, that is one fat “spliff!”  And your butt’s not bad, either!

A 3-year-old Chinese boy was rescued recently after he fell down a 295-foot well.  The dog who rescued him, known as the “Chinese Lassie,” was subsequently eaten as part of the Yulin dog-meat festival, the world’s foremost birthplace of pernicious stereotypes.

A Russian billionaire is attempting to achieve immortality by uploading his brain to a computer.  “With this procedure,” businessman Dmitry Itskov said in a statement, “I will finally be able to see the day when Russia will again be a major player on the world stage.”

Jerry, stop being such a “narc!”

Hilary Clinton’s campaign chairman hinted at a government cover up of UFOs in a recent interview with CNN.  “I looked into it after Bernie won Michigan,” John Podesta told “The Lead.”  “I thought ‘who’s believes this shit?’  Low and behold: aliens.”

Two actors’ necks were slit during the opening night performance of Sweeney Todd at a New Zealand high school.  It was the school’s worst accident since last fall, when two actors contracted AIDS during the opening night of Rent.

Whoa, like… is the floor moving?  Charles?  Jackie?  Prudence Hopefeather?  I’m “freakin out” “dudes!”

During a surprise appearance at Comic Con, director James Cameron announced plans for four Avatar sequels.  “Don’t worry,” Cameron told the stunned audience, “there’s nowhere to go but up!  Four times!”

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer garnered praise recently when he saved a young girl from being trampled after a Justin Bieber concert.  When asked why he was at the concert in the first place, Hosmer replied, “I knew I shouldn’t have saved her.”

Wait what?

When was it?

Really?

Then what’s that smell?

-The Chairman

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