Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/13/15

Sorry for the delay this week, folks- busy sorting through Hillary’s “classified” email.  Man… some of those dicks are huge.  Business!

50 Shades of Grey actor Jamie Dornan is considering quitting the franchise due to his wife’s concerns.  “It hits too close to home for her,” revealed a source close to the actor, “especially the butt stuff.”

McDonald’s is reportedly set to add kale to its menu.  According to filings, McDonald’s® brand Kale™ will contain “100% Certified Angus Beef®, high fructose corn syrup, dimethylpolysiloxane, Yellow No. 5, and artificial kale flavoring.”

Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on your appearance on The Bachelor!  I agree- you look way better as a Chris.

Major League Baseball has announced several rule changes aimed at speeding up pace of play.  The new rules call for, among other things, a 100-yard field, an oblong leather ball, and replacing “outs” with “downs.”

The ex-marine who killed Chris Kyle, the inspiration for the movie American Sniper, has been sentenced to life in prison.  “I was gonna give him community service,” said Judge Amina Johnson of her decision, “but I loved that goddamn movie so much.”

Jerry, please take off the hockey mask.  And machetes are never allowed in the office.

A massive tropical storm known as “Cyclone Pam” is bearing down on the tiny island nation of Vanuatu.  The storm is expected to cause at least as much damage as “Hurricane Pam,” the 340-pound drag queen who descended on a performance of the Broadway musical Xanadu in 2006.

An Indian bride walked out of her recent wedding ceremony because her husband failed to correctly answer a math question.  The husband has reportedly moved on, and will marry 22 year-old American Sally Mae Dunston, whom he met on the website FarmersOnly.com.

Happy Birthday to Polish actress Wiktoria Gąsiewska!  You little rascal- you positively slay me in Rodzina zastępcza and Rodzina zastępcza plus!

A Spanish woman has filed a paternity suit alleging that she is the daughter of famous surrealist painter Salvador Dali.  The woman has refused to submit to a DNA test on the grounds that she is a melted watch.

Lucasfilm has announced a new standalone Star Wars film entitled Rogue One.  The film will star Felicity Jones as the true “rogue” of the Star Wars universe: Jar Jar Binks.

Why do we drive on parkways but set our clocks forward for “Daylight Saving Time”?

-The Chairman

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