Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19

Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why

BUSINESS.

The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.

Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.

Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was 👌

A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.

Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.

Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.

Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”

Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”

Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.

Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.

A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.

FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.

We’re just 12 hours behind.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/11/18

Gooooooood afternoon, maggots! It’s another beautiful day on the corporate dunghill!

Remember, it is you who make this entire enterprise possible. For it is you who churn through an endless manure of regulations and government overreach, transforming it into a beautiful (and nutritious!) soil of profit. The smell alone is enough to bring a tear to my eye…

Business!

A Rhode Island nudist campground is hiring a lifeguard for this summer. Administrators say the position has great potential for growth.

Black Panther is set to become the first film to screen in a Saudi Arabian movie theater since the country lifted its 35-year ban on cinemas earlier this year. The film has been heavily edited, as it contains multiple salacious depictions of women driving.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on making the first contribution to your IRA! The company will not be matching.

Singer R. Kelly, who reportedly runs a “sex cult” full of brainwashed women (first reported here), now stands accused of grooming a 14-year-old for sex. Kelly has denied the charge, stating, “I haven’t done that since Aaliyah.”

In the months of January and February, the Hungarian government spent €8.1 million on anti-George Soros messaging campaigns. The figure represents a fraction of the approximately €11 trillion Soros paid to protestors during the same time.

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “chlorophyllia.”

A new “smart condom” promises to track sexual performance and detect diseases. “As Facebook has proven,” i.Con creator Mark Hubbings told reporters, “data is a necessary part of getting fucked.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have given birth to their third child via surrogate, a boy named Chicago. Donald Trump has since called the child “a war zone” and threatened to send in the National Guard to control him.

Don’t forget: Monday is National Pet a GMO Day!

A Green Bay Packers wide receiver was arrested last weekend after joking about bringing a bomb to an airport. Once again, he was bailed out by Aaron Rodgers.

The FBI raided the offices of Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen on Monday, in a move Trump called “a total witch hunt.” “He has nothing to hide!” Trump later tweeted. “HE DOES NOT OWN A BROOM”

Keep chewing up the competition, little ones! Maybe someday, you’ll fly away…

-The Chairman

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