Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!


Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/8/14

Hellooooooo, my little Pop-Tarts.  I know what you’re thinking: “A Wednesday memo?  What gives?”  Well, as some of you know, the holidays are my favorite time of year, and I felt it necessary to take three and a half weeks off.  Think about it – Christmas, New Years, Epiphany, Boxing Day, Hanukkah usually – there’s a lot to celebrate during our long December.  Plus, there’s reason to believe.  Onto the business!

A high school student in Georgia has been suspended one year for hugging a teacher.  Sam McNair, 17, has released a statement reading, “If she didn’t want a hug, she shouldn’t have worn her hair in that tight bun.”

Two pandas born at an Atlanta zoo in July were inaccurately classified as males.  It was recently determined that Mei Lun and Mei Huan were females after they went several months without masturbating.

Chinese doctors saved a Chinese factory worker’s severed hand by attaching it to his calf until the man’s arm healed.  Senate democrats are calling it a major victory for Obamacare.

Jerry, I asked you to do one thing while I was gone.  ONE THING, JERRY.

The London Metropolitan Police has determined that there is no credibility to rumors that Princess Diana was murdered by the British military.  The two branches of government then shook hands, said “Right-o,” and sat down to afternoon tea.

Canada’s Flare Magazine has come under fire recently for its heavily airbrushed June 2011 cover photo of actress Jennifer Lawrence.  The charming Lawrence has laughed off the controversy, saying, “It’s Canada- who gives a fuck?”

No foreigners have been granted Belgian citizenship since a January 1st, 2013 law that requires applicants to “have shown, or be able to show, outstanding services to Belgium in fields such as science, sport or culture.”  The law is what the Belgians call a “Prise Vingt-Deux.”

And the winner for best New Year’s resolution is… ANNA IN LEGAL.  I have complete confidence that you’ll be able to stop that civil war in South Sudan without taking a single day off from work.

Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe claims he was cut because of his outspoken support of marriage equality.  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has denied the allegations, stating, “I don’t care who you are or what you do, just so long as you do your job and buy tickets.  Fill the whole stadium up with gays for all I care.  Just don’t let ‘em kiss.  That’s gross.”

Eight inmates in a Utah prison have taken ill after drinking homemade wine tainted with botulism.  Worth it.

A University of Georgia study has concluded that frozen vegetables may be more nutritious than fresh ones.  Updating a previous item, the University of Georgia is still primarily known for its football team.

INTERACTIVE CONTENT: There’s another masturbation joke at the end of this email- can you spot it?

An original painting by George Zimmerman sold for over $100,000 on eBay.  The painting is titled If I Did It.

British department store Harrods is selling a gold-plated Xbox One for 6,000 pounds, or $9,755.  The system is currently on backorder as Kanye West has purchased the first 500.

A Canadian man who lived in a bunker for 14 years to avoid the effects of Y2K has finally emerged.  Norman Feller, now 58, has released a statement reading, “Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for your lovely catalogue.”

Next memo on Monday, my minions.  Now FLY.  FLY TOWARDS PROFIT.

-The Chairman