Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/20/19

Good Afternoon Low-Level Functionaries,

It has come to my attention that I’ve been derelict in my duties, and I must send a long-overdue update on the current state of affairs:

I’m havin ‘em!

Business!

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin voiced his displeasure with the New York Giants trading Odell Beckham Jr. last week on his blog, sarcastically saying that the team is “GOING FOR IT ALL, clearly.” “Maybe we’ll arbitrarily bring Odell back,” Giants GM Dave Gettleman shot back on Twitter, “like John Snow.”

Speaking at a news conference last week, Utah Congressman Rob Bishop said “the ideas behind the Green New Deal are tantamount to genocide.” “Read between the lines,” Bishop told the crowd, “‘carbon emissions’ equals ‘white people.’”

Anna from Groundskeeping, is that Hydnora africana or are you just happy to see me?

A new study published in The Lancet Psychology suggests that using marijuana every day, especially high-potency cannabis, increases the chances of having a psychotic episode. For purposes of the study, researchers defined a psychotic episode as “the conscious decision to attend a concert by Phish, Dead & Co., Gov’t Mule, or any other of a number of objectively terrible jam bands.”

A 700-pound alligator was found in Georgia last week and subsequently euthanized. The decision to put the animal down was made over vociferous objections from the TLC network, which had already greenlit a show in which the alligator had 90 days to lose 300 pounds in order to become the pageant queen it had always dreamed of being.

Jerry if, as you have asserted, Aristotle’s view of a twice-tethered human soul must be read in the strictest sense of the individual aspiring heavenward in hopes of a great reward and, indeed, to feast as the gods feast, then you must simultaneously acknowledge Aristotle’s selfsame assertion that it would and could ne’er be possible for mortals to achieve the singular (read: wingéd) soul composition afforded the gods by virtue of their very immortality, negating the precept on which your basic presumption is founded, thus rendering any further rational comment on the matter irreconcilable with your essential contention and, indeed, entirely precluding any reasonable foundation for debate on the matter.

A chemical fire that blanketed the city of Houston in black smoke for four days has finally been extinguished. Residents say the lack of regulatory oversight that allowed the fire to emit potentially noxious gas over a vast area for so long a time is a small price to pay for no state income tax.

In a post on his personal blogThe Wire creator David Simon ripped Hollywood agencies for their practice of “packaging” talent, negotiating for both sides of a deal in a manner that was widely exposed in the recent FOX lawsuit involving the TV show Bones. The post immediately ignited a bidding war between CAA and WME for the rights to Simon’s column, which they would then like to package with the judges in any future lawsuits filed against them.

Signups are open for our annual March Madness pool! I’m picking the University of Washington to win it all, cause after seeing Zac Efron play Ted Bundy how can you not love that guy?

Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson has apologized after posting a video of himself on Instagram driving 105 MPH with no seatbelt. “I apologize, Ravens fans,” Jackson said in a subsequent post, “for not immediately discarding this video as I would have immediately discarded a cream-colored suit had I brutally murdered two people.”

A new study posits that the DNA of many inhabitants of the Iberian Peninsula was replaced around 2,500 BC with that of men from the Eurasian steppes. Donald Trump has hailed the study as “really big,” tweeting “BUILD THE WALL- OUR STEPCHILDREN MUST BE STOPPED.”

The only “infidelity” I know is when I stop into a branch of my favorite investment company… one that always puts its customers first!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/10/18

Welcome to 2018, empty vessels!  Let’s start this new year off right… WITH SOME BUSINESS.

The University of Alabama beat the University of Georgia to win the Division I college football “National Championship” on Monday night.  Tickets to the game rose in value to almost $2,000 before kickoff, or roughly 1/3rd of Alabama’s GDP.

Royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton was lambasted on social media recently for suggesting that poor children who cannot afford breakfast eat avocado tortillas.  “I apologize for my mistake,” billionaire Middleton said in a statement.  “I just assumed all poor children lived in Mexico.”

Congratulations, Anna from Operations, on your championship-winning fantasy football team, Roy Moore Elementary!  If Jerry had used that name it would have been wholly inappropriate, but I know your intentions are pure.

Despite not being accused of any sort of sexual harassment, documentarian Morgan Spurlock wrote an open letter to fans saying that he’s “part of the problem” of our gender-unequal society.  Critics say the unexpected gesture was solely designed to generate hype for his upcoming sequel, Super Size #MeToo.

Apple is reportedly considering ending music downloads on its once-popular iTunes store.  As a result, U2’s Songs of Innocence will remain the most downloaded album of all time.

Jerry, no more deportations.

New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art is doing away with its “suggested donation” policy for out-of-towners, and will begin charging a $25 admission fee.  “As part of the decision, the museum will repatriate all of its foreign works to their countries of origin,” Director Thomas P. Campbell said of the controversial decision.  “Just kidding.”

Sources say special counsel Robert Mueller has indicated he would like to interview Donald Trump as part of the ongoing investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, prompting concerns from Trump that Mueller might actually be a real person.

With snow in the east and mudslides out west, don’t you just want to “dance yourself clean”?  Well now you can!  Join us at 6:30 AM Friday in the third floor cafeteria as we present a special set by James from Accounting’s cover band, Liquid Crystal Boombox!

The bodies of a Swiss couple who went missing 75 years ago have been found perfectly preserved in a receding glacier.  The discovery is seen as a major victory for proponents of global warming.

Last summer, German police seized 5,000 pills shaped like Donald Trump.  The pills are said to be a relative of ecstasy known as “agony.”

I wouldn’t call myself a “very stable genius”… more like a “voluptuous sexual monstrosity.”

-The Chairman

PS- Ever wondered what I think about amaranthPoughkeepsieKojevian rhetoric as it relates to a Christian reading of Hegelian dialectic?  Write to chairofthebored@gmail.com.  THE COLUMNS ARE BACK, BABY.  And I would like nothing more than to educate my loyal (and consenting) workforce in how you can better serve… me.

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/18/16

Ohhhhhhhh IT’S MARCH MADNESS, BABY!

You may recall that in years past we’ve had some great prizes for the winner of our annual office pool.  Past champions have received a Westinghouse© television, Windows 7, and a signed copy of The Diary of Anne Frank.  This year, we’re kicking it “old school fleek,” as the kids say… first place gets a Cadillac, second place gets a set of steak knives, and third place gets fired!  Everybody else gets nothing, but stays employed.  You sure don’t want to finish in third… let the games begin!

A Florida teenager has been arrested for the second time for posing as a medical professional.  Eighteen year-old Malachi Love-Robinson had to be apprehended while on a trip to neighboring Georgia, as posing of any kind is both legal and encouraged in Florida.

Renowned actress and feminist Emma Watson has revealed that she pays to learn about female sexual pleasure through a website called OMGYES.com.  “Thanks, Emma,” said Mike Jackson, a carpenter from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, “now I know what to tell my wife when the next credit card bill comes.”

Anna from the kitchen is on fire!  No, literally, we had some issues with the stove earlier today and her clothing was set ablaze.  Someone please put her out!  She doesn’t appear to be injured… yet.

A Swedish doctor who treats patients’ ills with anal massage has had his license revoked by the country’s Medical Board of Responsibility.  When asked for his response to the decision, Dr. Jan Svensen replied, “They can shove it up their ass.  Or I can do it for them, at a great price, and it will almost certainly take care of their rheumatoid arthritis.”

In sports news, the NFL’s Cleveland Browns have officially released troubled former college star Johnny Manziel.  Manziel was last seen late Saturday with some friends on the Las Vegas strip, on the way to an overdose.

Jerry, that was the company Snapchat.

Members of terrorist group Hamas burned 15 tons of Snickers last week following a recall by the candy’s parent company Mars.  The recall was initiated because of plastic found in some bars, but Hamas burned their supply because it had “come dangerously close to some Jews.”

A wild mountain lion found its way into the Los Angeles Zoo last week and ate a koala.  Coincidentally, “a wild mountain lion finding its way into the zoo and eating a koala” is a popular Hollywood euphemism for rape.

Just a reminder that Kevin from HR is hosting a very important seminar on workplace diversity this weekend, smack dab in the middle of the NCAA Tournament.  Intentional?  You decide!

According to a new Rolling Stone profile, rapper Macklemore owns a nude painting of popstar Justin Bieber with a pancake on his penis.  “It’s, like, a metaphor for my music,” Macklemore said in the interview.  “You look at it and you’re like, ‘How did this get made?’”

Amazon is planning to open several hundred physical bookstores around the US.  When asked about the decision, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos told reporters, “We saw how well physical bookstores were doing and we were like, ‘We’ve got books!’”

Get those picks in, guys!  Nevermind… it already started.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/8/14

Hellooooooo, my little Pop-Tarts.  I know what you’re thinking: “A Wednesday memo?  What gives?”  Well, as some of you know, the holidays are my favorite time of year, and I felt it necessary to take three and a half weeks off.  Think about it – Christmas, New Years, Epiphany, Boxing Day, Hanukkah usually – there’s a lot to celebrate during our long December.  Plus, there’s reason to believe.  Onto the business!

A high school student in Georgia has been suspended one year for hugging a teacher.  Sam McNair, 17, has released a statement reading, “If she didn’t want a hug, she shouldn’t have worn her hair in that tight bun.”

Two pandas born at an Atlanta zoo in July were inaccurately classified as males.  It was recently determined that Mei Lun and Mei Huan were females after they went several months without masturbating.

Chinese doctors saved a Chinese factory worker’s severed hand by attaching it to his calf until the man’s arm healed.  Senate democrats are calling it a major victory for Obamacare.

Jerry, I asked you to do one thing while I was gone.  ONE THING, JERRY.

The London Metropolitan Police has determined that there is no credibility to rumors that Princess Diana was murdered by the British military.  The two branches of government then shook hands, said “Right-o,” and sat down to afternoon tea.

Canada’s Flare Magazine has come under fire recently for its heavily airbrushed June 2011 cover photo of actress Jennifer Lawrence.  The charming Lawrence has laughed off the controversy, saying, “It’s Canada- who gives a fuck?”

No foreigners have been granted Belgian citizenship since a January 1st, 2013 law that requires applicants to “have shown, or be able to show, outstanding services to Belgium in fields such as science, sport or culture.”  The law is what the Belgians call a “Prise Vingt-Deux.”

And the winner for best New Year’s resolution is… ANNA IN LEGAL.  I have complete confidence that you’ll be able to stop that civil war in South Sudan without taking a single day off from work.

Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe claims he was cut because of his outspoken support of marriage equality.  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has denied the allegations, stating, “I don’t care who you are or what you do, just so long as you do your job and buy tickets.  Fill the whole stadium up with gays for all I care.  Just don’t let ‘em kiss.  That’s gross.”

Eight inmates in a Utah prison have taken ill after drinking homemade wine tainted with botulism.  Worth it.

A University of Georgia study has concluded that frozen vegetables may be more nutritious than fresh ones.  Updating a previous item, the University of Georgia is still primarily known for its football team.

INTERACTIVE CONTENT: There’s another masturbation joke at the end of this email- can you spot it?

An original painting by George Zimmerman sold for over $100,000 on eBay.  The painting is titled If I Did It.

British department store Harrods is selling a gold-plated Xbox One for 6,000 pounds, or $9,755.  The system is currently on backorder as Kanye West has purchased the first 500.

A Canadian man who lived in a bunker for 14 years to avoid the effects of Y2K has finally emerged.  Norman Feller, now 58, has released a statement reading, “Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for your lovely catalogue.”

Next memo on Monday, my minions.  Now FLY.  FLY TOWARDS PROFIT.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/3/13

OK, my dearest brothers and sisters in labor, I have heard your cries.  You do not want any more introductions to these old memos, you just want the memos themselves.  The post dates will not line up with the memo dates (at least for a while) but SO BE IT.  HERE’S ANOTHER OLD MEMO:

Good evening.  I’ve received some complaints about the theme of the Thanksgiving party.  Some people have called it “racially charged” and “insensitive.”  I call those people “losers.”  Also, to those who would characterize my behavior as “harassment,” I say, “Loosen up, Susan.”  Onto the business!

Two Saudi Arabian women have been arrested for driving in the country’s capital.  One angry cleric denounced the act by saying, “According to the Qur’an, written 1500 years ago, women are strictly forbidden to drive cars.”

In an effort to compete with other, more “American” chain restaurants, the Olive Garden has added a hamburger to its menu.  The burger will be topped with mozzarella, arugula, and a tiny but feisty Sicilian matriarch shouting, “Mangia, mangia!”

The annual Kardashian Khristmas kard is out, and boy, is that family the fucking worst.

Jerry, ink and toner are NOT the same thing.

Elwood, the world’s ugliest dog, has died.  As is the case with all dogs, he will go to heaven, where he will be ostracized for all eternity.

In an effort to win back his estranged wife, a Minnesota man threw 1,000 one-dollar bills onto unsuspecting shoppers at the Mall of America.  When asked about the stunt, his wife replied, “This is why I left him.”

Hawaii has become the 15th state to legalize gay marriage.  A LOTTA PEOPLE GETTING LEI’D TONIGHT, AM I RIGHT AMERICA???  Don’t worry, I’ll show myself out.

The Republican National Committee is under fire for tweeting that Rosa Parks helped to “end racism.”  The tweet read, in part, “Today, we remember Miss Parks’ courageous and honorable decision to sit when offered a prime bus seat by a progressive and compassionate white man.”

English Olympic diver Tom Daley has announced that he is in a relationship with a man.  Lest anyone think he might be a homosexual, he casually added, “Of course I still fancy girls.”  This has been “Great Moments in British Repression.”

Thank you to George in Accounting and Margery in HR for attending the recent professional development workshop with the Alvin Ailey Dance Company!  The rest of you really missed out.  I have never felt so hip!

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire had the best Thanksgiving weekend ever at the box office, taking in $110.2 million over five days.  Analysts say the success was driven by parents who dream of a world in which teenagers kill each other for sport.

The United Nations has implicated Syrian President Bashar al-Assad in war crimes committed during the country’s ongoing civil war.  When informed of the charges, al-Assad exclaimed, “Who, me?  But I’m just a lovable chimney sweep!” before adorably tap-dancing away.

Amazon is experimenting with using unmanned drones to deliver goods to shoppers as soon as 30 minutes after online purchases.  The pilot program, started in Iraq several years ago, has been a resounding success.

A team of researchers has discovered a new sex organ in koalas’ throats.  Scientists hope this will finally end the longstanding debate over which animal gives the best blowjobs.

A leading geneticist from the University of Georgia is advancing the shocking claim that human beings evolved after a female chimpanzee mated with a male pig.  The University of Georgia is primarily known for its football team.

Ukraine’s Prime Minister believes his country is in the midst of a coup.  His therapist believes this is just another insidious manifestation of a poor self-image.

Later this week, Canada is expected to lay claim to a vast region of Arctic seafloor, presumably for hockey.

Our computers are now Y2K compliant!

Pope Francis has reportedly been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to give alms to the poor.  A surprised Jesus said, “If my dad finds out, he is SO grounded.”

Icelandic police have shot and killed a man for the first time in the country’s history.  To be fair, the guy wouldn’t stop talking about Greenland.

Japan’s infamous yakuza mobsters are increasingly turning to financial pursuits, leading some to dub them “Goldman Sachs with guns.”  Goldman Sachs, coincidentally, is often referred to in America as “yakuza without morals.”

I apologize for the lateness of this memo.  I had food poisoning yesterday, which I’m assuming was retaliation for eating everyone else’s food out of the office refrigerator.  Lesson learned.  Keep up the good work!

-The Chairman

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