Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/16/19

Good afternoon defense contractors,

Apologies for the delay in sending this week’s memo- we were busy diversifying our portfolio in anticipation of the forthcoming hostilities. We’ve already made a major investment in what is sure to be the hottest commodity to come out of a full-blown US-Iran conflict: Argo 2!

Business!

Britney Spears’ manager says she may never return to her Las Vegas residency, or to any sort of performance. He has released a video urging the public to leave his client alone.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made a cameo appearance in last Sunday’s installment of Game of Thrones. Fans were disappointed he didn’t audible out of the show’s script.

Anna from our Moldovan office, good luck in the Eurovision Semifinal tonight! I promise to “Stay” with you all night long 😉

The House Ways & Means Committee has issued subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, instructing them to hand over Donald Trump’s tax returns by this Friday at the latest. Mnuchin and Rettig say they have already delivered the documents to the committee in an inconspicuous can labeled “MIXED NUTS.”

The US State Department has ordered all nonemergency personnel out of Iraq. The move takes the number of diplomats in the country from zero to zero.

Jerry, you are not Andrew Yang’s running mate.

According to the Social Security Administration, 11 children named “Cersei” were born in the United States in 2017. There was also one named “Harry Strickland,” but he quickly died.

In related news, three people were shot dead with a crossbow this week in Passau, Germany. The city has closed all bathrooms until further notice.

Congratulations to everyone who performed in our companywide talent show last night! Jasmine from IT, I didn’t know you could fit that many knives into your left nostril! Way to use that coke habit.

Andrew Munday, a British accountant who stole over $3 million from singer Rita Ora and other high-profile clients, has been sentenced to six years in prison. Munday is said to be seeking extradition to the United States, where Goldman Sachs has offered him the position of CFO.

The price of a single Bitcoin has climbed back up over $7,000, its highest mark this year. Experts predict it will reach $1 trillion by August.

Really looking forward to Gone with the Wind 2. That sequel is WAY overdue.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/20/18

Hello,

I would like to use today’s correspondence to strike a serious tone by bringing your attention to the grave, ongoing situation on our southern border.

Mexico defeated Germany, while the US failed to qualify for the World Cup.

We are all complicit.

BUSINESS.

Donald Trump has directed the Department of Defense to establish a sixth branch of the military focused entirely on space. Trump has said that such a “space force” was a longtime dream of his father’s, along with a better son.

In the hopes of winning this year’s World Cup, the French national team is monitoring the temperature of players’ drinking water. Their diets of chocolate croissants and lard remain unchanged.

Keep on pumpin’, Anna from Lactation! It’s like Niagara Falls in there!!

Lord Ivar Mountbatten, Queen Elizabeth II’s cousin and the first openly gay British royal, will wed fiancé James Coyle this summer. The royal family is said to be looking forward to the wedding, hoping that it will distract from “the black one.”

In other royal news, Pippa Middleton, sister of Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton, is expecting her first child. Kate’s children are reportedly “very excited” to finally have a cousin to whom they can feel superior.

Jerry, please stop asking people why they’re Catholic.

A US Border Patrol agent shot and killed a man attempting to enter the United States from Mexico last month. The agent has since defended his actions by saying, “Nobody should have to live in a country where I can do something like that.”

Center Dwight Howard has been traded to the Brooklyn Nets. Howard immediately joins the borough’s long list of ridiculously overpriced, unusually tall, and surprisingly useless developments.

Don’t forget: Join us this Sunday in Conference Room CC for our 20thanniversary screening of Deep Impact! It’s the movie that predicted Obama!!

A flight to Ibiza was grounded last week after a passenger created a disturbance with a blow up doll. Crewmembers reportedly asked the man to stow the doll in an overhead bin for takeoff, at which point the man screamed “YOU’LL KILL HER” and started fucking it.

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of a Colorado baker who refused to make a wedding cake for a gay couple on religious grounds. The couple was said to be devastated, as they really wanted a homophobic baker.

Separating children from their parents is one thing.

But separating Americans from their soccer?????????????

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/8/17

Good Morning,

Despite the fact that my email should not be widely available (*cough* HR *cough cough*), a number of you have asked me how the GOP’s plan to “repeal and replace” Obamacare will affect your health insurance.  The short answer: It won’t.*  If you like your doctor, you get to keep your doctor.  You may not get to keep your job, but you’ll get to keep your doctor.  All doctors can be seen for a price, right?  Listen, I don’t make the rules- I’m not even really sure how this works.  Like President Trump said: nobody knew how complicated health care could beNobody.  Now get back to work, and for the love of god DON’T GET SICK.  It’s not rocket science.

Business!

Speaking at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference, NRA head Wayne LaPierre said that left-leaning protestors around the country are being paid $1,500 a week and are dangerous.  In related news, psychologists around the country have updated the sections of their textbooks concerning “projection.”

Later this year, Germany is set to introduce a zero-emissions train powered entirely by hydrogen.  “Finally,” Chancellor Angela Merkel said at a recent press conference, “Germans can have some good associations with trains.”

Enjoy your day off, Anna from IT!  And thank you- every day here was a day without a woman til you sued your way into a job.

A Washington, D.C. art installation featuring a roomful of glowing pumpkins was damaged last week when a visitor tried to take a selfie.  Due to its location and the subject of the installation involved, the incident is being called “the perfect metaphor.”

A judge last week called a meeting with French far-right presidential candidate Marine Le Pen over allegations that she misappropriated funds from the European Union.  Le Pen has since questioned the white, French, female judge’s ability to be impartial because of “his Mexican heritage.”

Jerry, The Wire is not a “nonfiction prequel.”

Scientists have been quick to cast doubt on new findings that herpes outbreaks during pregnancy may cause autism.  Other scientists without herpes say it is a distinct possibility.

Chicago musical artist Chance the Rapper has announced he will be giving $1 million to his hometown’s public school system.  In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “Just saw the news- another 1 million people shot in Chicago. This time by a rapper WHO IS BLACK. Sad! Bad (or sick) Guy!”

Next week, join us for our Tuesday discussion group at 7:30 in the 4th floor lounge.  Our topic: Is Anderson Cooper a robot?  Drinks and snacks will be provided… for humans.

Donald Trump has vowed to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, a move that will save the government under $500 million per year.  Most of the savings will be diverted to security for Don Jr. and Eric Trump, as they fly around the world building their new, private National Endowment for Art Collection.

Scientists have announced they are closer than ever to resurrecting the extinct woolly mammoth.  Once born, the first specimen is expected to be released into the wild, as experts say the last thing the world needs is another elephant in the room.

Yup, it’s a tumor.  Walk it off.

-The Chairman

*It will.

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?

BUSINESS!

When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/2/14

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I was not amused by the amount of celebration surrounding my recent April Fools’ joke.  I would like to think my death would have been met with sincere mourning and solemn tribute.  In the event of my actual death, please consider exhibiting a little more respect.  Thank you.  Now, as I am a living, breathing human being with feelings, I will now proceed with the business.

Two Spanish historians claim to have found the Holy Grail.  Much to the chagrin of their neighbors, however, they still have not found Jesus.

New York Mets fans booed recently elected Mayor Bill De Blasio Monday when he threw out the first pitch at the team’s opener.  “I knew it,” said De Blasio, “I shouldn’t have worn the Mets jersey.”

Russian troops have massed on the country’s border with Ukraine, and could invade within 12 hours of being given an order.  The invasion could be delayed further, however, if a lot of people happen to be using Russia’s DSL.

What’s that smell?  It’s Anna from marketing, who has gone vegan!  Please be supportive.

The Supreme Court has struck down limits on how much individuals can donate to political candidates.  “This is an historic day,” said Justice Sonia Sotomayor, “it ensures that the American political system will continue to benefit the wealthy on both sides for years to come.”
 
According to court documents, the faulty ignition switches that killed 13 people and sparked a massive recall of GM vehicles cost a mere 90 cents apiece.  Get it?  Sparked?  Oh God, Cheryl, your son was one of those killed?  I’m sorry for your loss.  I had no idea.  I will retract my statement immediately.  I am deeply, deeply sorry.  Also, I will be giving you a raise.  Effective immediately.  Please do not sue me, or the company, we can work this out.  Cheryl?  Cheryl, where are you going?  Cheryl?  Don’t do this, Cheryl… I said I was sorry!

No, Jerry, I still don’t see the Virgin Mary in your waffle fry.
 
A Long Island high school student has been accepted into all eight Ivy League colleges.  “I would like to thank my parents,” said 17-year-old Kwasi Enin, “my teachers, and, most importantly, my race.”

Celebrity couple Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who “consciously uncoupled” last week, reportedly had an open relationship.  Paltrow ended the marriage for good after finding out about her husband’s longstanding affair with his mistress, “Music.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s divorce from his wife, Lyudmila, has been finalized.  “I will kill her, yes,” said a “devastated” Putin in a statement.  “Hopefully soon.”

I would like to apologize for my earlier insensitive comments regarding the recent GM recall.  I would like to “recall” them, if you will.  WAIT, CHERYL, COME BACK.

An 8.2-magnitude earthquake hit Chile Tuesday, precipitating a massive escape from a women’s prison.  The earthquake is widely believed to be a publicity stunt for the upcoming season of “Naranja Es El Nuevo Negro,” premiering this Sábado on ¡El Netflix!.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has approved the country’s first minimum wage, set at €8.50 an hour.  The move has sparked outrage from fellow EU member Greece, which, according to President Karolos Papoulias, “would kill for that kind of dough.”

It’s baseball season, kiddos… get out there and take some steroids!

-The Chairman

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