Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/22/17

Good Morning,

Quick update on our March Madness pool: I did not fill out a bracket this year.

Business!

Hasbro, makers of Monopoly, have eliminated three of the game’s iconic tokens (including the beloved thimble) in an attempt to modernize the game.  In further modernization efforts, Hasbro has stopped production entirely.

A Ghanian soccer player is in trouble this week after thanking both his wife and his girlfriend after a recent match.  The player now claims that by “girlfriend” he meant his daughter, a nickname he said he learned from Donald Trump..

Anna from Accounting, how are those taxes coming?  Don’t forget we made a lot of our money in space.

Humpback whales have been gathering in unusually large numbers lately, prompting speculation over why.  “What they’re doing is perfectly natural,” new EPA head Scott Pruitt told reporters Monday.  “They want to congregate so that they can die together and, in a couple million years, become oil for us to use in our cars and jets.”

“Sesame Street” has debuted a new Muppet character with autism, whose name is Julia.  Or, as Donald Trump calls her, “vaccine Julia.”

Jerry, please do not AirBnB your office.

Vladimir Putin biographer Masha Gessen has warned of a nuclear holocaust if the relationship between the Russian president and Donald Trump deteriorates.  Also if it stays the same.

Former “Power Rangers” actor Ricardo Medina has pled guilty to killing his roommate with a sword.  Surprise, surprise: he played the red one.

Statistically, one in five of our employees will try crystal meth at some point in their lives.  The more you know!

According to the FDA, nine people have died of a rare cancer linked to breast implants.  All nine have reportedly called the disease “worth it.”

Europe’s first all-sex doll brothel has opened in Barcelona.  The establishment has been a massive success thus far, thanks in large part to its signature room: “Guernica.”

Who’s still in it- Indiana?  What about LSU?  They still have “Pistol Pete,” right?  I KNEW I should’ve picked them… GEAUX TIGERS.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 6/6/14

Good Afternoon,
 
Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the people who made this weeklong string of memos possible.
 
Now, onto the business.
 
Scientists now believe humans may have played a major role in the extinction of the wooly mammoth.  Surprise, surprise.

Archaeologists in China have discovered the world’s oldest pair of pants.  They belonged to the world’s oldest prude.

As you may remember, I reported yesterday that Anna from accounting had yet again beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity.  It has since come to my attention that she neglected to kill all of the gold skulltulas in the Swamp Spider House, thus nullifying her agreements with all charities involved.  All of the money she raised will be returned, and she has assured me she will be extra vigilant when she attempts the task next year.

An Indonesian volcano erupted for the first time in 15 years last week, reminding everyone that the Earth has been around for billions of years and can kill all of us in any number of ways at absolutely any time.
 
Kardashian Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third child.  Sister Khloe Kardashian remains childless, while other sister Kim Kardashian has two children, Kanye and North West.
 
Jerry, “D-Day” does not stand for “Denny’s Day.”
 
A group of scientists and conservators at Harvard has determined that a book in the school’s library is bound in human skin.  Like everything else at Harvard bound in human skin, the book looks a lot more impressive than it is.

A Ghanaian witch doctor claims to have put a curse on Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who may miss the World Cup with a leg injury.  “You think his leg is bad,” said Nana Kwaku Bonsam, whose name translates as “The Devil of Wednesday,” “you should see his penis.”
 
Be sure to stop by the ninth floor pavilion and check out our new exhibition: “Famous South Africans: From Mandela to Dave Matthews,” running now until June 7th!
 
A new study suggests that boys with autism are more likely to have been exposed to higher levels of hormones while in the womb.  Meanwhile, several old studies have proven that vaccines save millions of lives each year.
 
Russian President Vladimir Putin is attempting to strengthen Russian ties with North Korea.  “I saw how that feisty little dictator viciously executed his uncle on a whim,” Putin told a Russian newspaper, “and I thought, ‘I bet we’d be friends.’”

That’s all, my Mountains!  Let’s crush it this weekend!

-The Chairman

Standard