Internal Memo for Friday, 4/20/18

Hello Cheeches and Chongs,

It’s the 4/20 memo! As this year’s celebration of our newest major revenue stream falls on a Friday, it felt only right to delay this update accordingly. Think of it as a delayed reaction.

… from weed.

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery meta. Veeeeeeeeeeery deep. I’m veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery high.

HIGH BUSINESS.

Lena Dunham’s ex-boyfriend, musician Jack Antonoff, was recently spotted with model Carlotta Kohl at a New York Knicks game. Kohl, who is white, could have easily been a character on Girls.

The United Kingdom and the United States have issued a joint cybersecurity alert warning of possible Russian attacks on home wireless networks. Officials have elevated the threat to Code Blueballs.

Congratulations to Anna from Childcare on the launch of her revolutionary new pilot program, Seeds & Stems! Apparently THC stands for “Totally Helpful for Children!”

Last Sunday, Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colon, 44, came 6 outs away from becoming the oldest player ever to throw a perfect game. Before each pitch, Colon confused opposing batters by asking them to follow his Xanga.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer is planning to introduce a bill to decriminalize marijuana nationwide. The bill, though widely praised, is expected to be forgotten after the introduction of a flashier but far less satisfying bill about meth.

Jerry, you wouldn’t have gotten away with it, even without the meddling kids.

A new Airbus airplane design includes “nap pods” for passengers to sleep in the cargo hold. “People are tired of airlines’ poor treatment of customers,” Airbus CEO Jans Hemmerud told reporters last week, “so nap!”

The first medical marijuana store in New York City opened today on Fifth Avenue. It sits approximately 20 blocks from its biggest advertisement, Trump Tower.

Feeling paranoid? Check this out!

The National Football League is delaying payouts from its landmark concussion settlement, claiming widespread fraud among ex-players. “It’s ridiculous,” league Commissioner Roger Goodell said at a recent press conference. “People are saying they played for the ‘Cleveland Browns,’ which isn’t even a real team.”

A new study suggests the negative effects of marijuana on memory and cognitive performance may disappear after 72 hours, even among chronic users. The news comes as a surprise to marijuana users who read the study yesterday.

Whoa… there were some nice nuggets of pot news in there.

I guess I forgot to weed them out.

It’s almost like they were… baked in.

Heh.

Hehe.

HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheNOWOMANNOCRY

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo For Thursday, 3/6/14

Good afternoon, mortals.  Can I get a little “dap” for preventing World War III?

“Girls” star Allison Williams is engaged to boyfriend Ricky Van Veen.  When asked what she likes about the College Humor co-founder, Williams replied, “He farts a lot.”

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.  He is joined on the ballot by the ghost of Adolf Hitler and arson.
 
A 9-month-old baby may have been cured of HIV simply by watching Focus Features’ inspirational film Dallas Buyers Club, winner of three Oscars, out now on DVD, Blu-Ray, and Digital HD!
 
Has everybody gotten to see Anna from accounts payable’s silver medal for giant slalom?  And she’s seven months pregnant!  How did she do it?!
 
Amtrak has unveiled a plan to give free delays to writers.

The Sochi Olympics were the costliest ever.  “Don’t worry,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin during the closing ceremonies, “money won’t matter where we’re headed.”

A freshman at Duke University has been outed as a porn star.  When asked how she likes the school, she replied, “I feel right at home with all the dicks.”

Jerry, you are from New Jersey.  New Jersey has never been a part of the Russian Federation.
 
The Ukrainian national soccer team shut out the United States on Wednesday, 2-0.  “Congratulations, Ukraine,” said U.S. President Barack Obama after the match, “you’re on your own.”

Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski is feeling fine after becoming dizzy and lightheaded Wednesday night during a loss to Wake Forest.  “Sorry, guys,” he said in his postgame comments, “I was just thinking about how much money I make.”

Congratulations to Oscar from reception on his winning Oscar ballot!  Weird!

A robust secondary market has arisen for French military rations, which contain delicacies such as duck-fat cassoulet and Camembert cheese.  “I love them,” said Nathalie Perron, a French civilian, “they have that exquisite flavor of defeat.”
 
The College Board has announced sweeping changes to the SAT beginning in 2016.  The test will now consist of two sections of anonymous commenting, followed by the essay question “How much money do your parents make?  Be specific.”
 
Pope Francis has said the Catholic Church may support some types of same-sex civil unions.  “What the hell?” said the Pope, speaking through an interpreter, “a hole’s a hole.”
 
A Thursday memo?  I’m just glad we’re all alive!  Do svidaniya!
 
-The Chairman
 
BREAKING NEWS: The Crimean parliament has just voted to join the Russian Federation.  We’re not out of the woods yet!  Back to work, you intrepid defenders of capitalism!

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/22/14

Sup, dicks?  Who wants to see fuckin’ Wolf of Wall Street this week?  OSCARS.

The Super Bowl is set, with the Denver Broncos playing the Seattle Seahawks in New Jersey.  The game is expected to generate record advertising revenue, with one square foot on Peyton Manning’s forehead going for $2.5 million.

Manufacturer Truitt Brothers is recalling over a million pounds of Kraft Velveeta Cheesy Skillets Singles after failing to identify soy as an ingredient.  Twitter user @PerFeCTmom394 wrote, “@kraftfoods U should be ashamed. Soy?? mmy kid don’t eat dat healthy shi*t. Tupac is live”.

Tax season will be upon us before you know it!  Why not get a head start?  James in legal will be holding a seminar on how to set up your very own dummy corporation this Wednesday at 2 PM in the basement.  The password is SWORDFISH.

Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones will join the US bobsled team in Sochi, making her one of only a handful of Americans to compete in both the summer and winter Olympics.  Commentators are speculating that Jones joined the team to tap into the lucrative bobsled endorsement market, valued at approximately $3.2 worldwide.

massive sinkhole has opened up in downtown Detroit.  The space has since been occupied by a writers’ colony calling itself “Independent Sinkers.”

A Maryland mother killed two of her children last week during an attempted exorcism.  The children have since come back to life and are currently terrorizing several promiscuous teens at a house in the wilderness.

A big thank you to Anna in HR for collecting everyone’s snow waivers in time for this latest blizzard.  Remember, if you slip on company property, we will beat your ass in court.  Be safe!!

According to the American College of Sports Medicine’s latest American Fitness Index, the fittest city in America is Minneapolis, Minnesota.  The city’s beloved Mall of America recently became its own municipality, which ranked 764th.

The high value of California’s nut crops has led to an increase in theft.  “I’m confused,” said almond farmer Derek Martin, “I thought for sure they’d steal the pot.”

Jerry, please empty the garbage from your cubicle.  The entire third floor smells like TaB.

From 2002 to 2010, the number of pubic hair grooming injuries in America quintupled.  Experts blame global warming.

HBO is moving episodes of Girls and Looking to Saturday, February 1st to avoid conflicts with the Super Bowl.  This change will not affect viewers watching on the HBO GO app, which is all of them.

Adios for this week, amigos.  See you in a week or when Jacqueline Bisset finishes her speech, whichever comes first.

-The Chairman

PS- It’s about time I gave a “shout out” to our friends at Fark.comYahoo.com and MSN.com for their aggregation of some of these crazy stories.  Good work, pioneers of the Internet.  Keep getting rich off other people’s stuff.

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