Laissez les bons temps rouler, fellow revelers! Instead of my customary Mardi Gras dick pic, I’ve decided to send… a memo!
This should not preclude you replying with abundant, tasteful boudoir photos.
… except you, Jerry.
BUSINESS.
Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak died on Tuesday. Donald Trump tweeted his condolences to the nations of Egypt, Syria, and Guatemala, just in case.
Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down. “Some people around the office had started calling Bob ‘Star Wars,’” an anonymous source told Forbes of the move, “cause of diminishing returns.”
Anna from Biz Dev, can I get a mission critical leveraged synergy of your elevator pitch for the recapitalization of our core disruptors in your sector by EOD? Then let’s circle back at my place at 21:00 for FUCKING (Focused Unity-Conscious Knowledge Inception Notarized Granularly).
Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been sentenced to 40 months in prison. In granting Stone leniency, Judge Amy Berman Jackson cited the fact that he is already serving the life sentence of being Roger Stone.
Tennis great Maria Sharapova, winner of five Grand Slam titles, is retiring. When asked about the news, Serena Williams replied, “Who?”
Jerry, I mean it.
Business website Glassdoor has named Raleigh, North Carolina the best place to find a job in 2020. Washington, D.C. was named the worst.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 2,000 points in the past week amid fears of further coronavirus outbreaks around the world. As a result, Mike Bloomberg has been forced to pull two 15-second TV ads from the Pullman, Washington market.
If you are the owner of a White Nissan Leaf, license plate REW-472, your car has been impounded. There will be none of that weak electric shit in my parking lot.
Michelle Janavs, heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune, was sentenced to five months in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues.” Prosecutors had previously recommended that she stay in a little longer, or her middle would still be cold.
In his annual Ash Wednesday address, Pope Francis urged his followers to disconnect from their televisions and phones and give up insulting one another for Lent. “It’s not as if I’m asking you to give up something essential,” the Pope said to an assembly in Vatican City, “like molesting children.”
In lieu of my customary Ash Wednesday ass pic… I haven’t decided what to send yet. Check your inboxes later!
(Your physical inboxes. Just because I haven’t decided doesn’t mean it won’t be EXTREMELY large and EXTRAORDINARILY tactile.)
-The Chairman
The Chairman of the Bored 