Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/1/19

Happy International Labor Day, laborers! Periodic reminder: This is a “right to work” business, meaning you are right to work and wrong not to! If you strike today (or any other day, for that matter), there is a clause in your contract that entitles me to half of everything you own! We’re basically married, and infidelity, as any Real Housewife will tell you, can be veeeeeeeery costly…

Business!

Joe Biden has officially announced his candidacy for president. The move has been hailed as “visionary” by Joe Biden.

Both of the top seeds in this year’s NHL playoffs, the Calgary Flames and the Tampa Bay Lightning, lost in the first round. The results came as a shock to many who thought the NHL was defunct.

Anna from Development, who’d’ve thought you’d be the Helen of Troy of Venezuela?

In further Anna news, Anna Sorokin, a.k.a. Anna Delvey, has been found guilty of second-degree grand larceny after posing as an heiress and scamming various friends and financial entities out of $275,000. Sorokin has asked for a delayed sentence so that she can at least meet the scamming threshold to someday become president.

According to a recent study, sleep deprivation can lead to smaller testicle size. In related news, researchers believe they’ve finally discovered why bears hibernate.

Jerry, you are not the new emperor of Japan.

3M is cutting 2,000 jobs worldwide. The company cited the uncertain future of Scotch tape post-Brexit.

Donald Trump has proposed instituting a fee for seeking asylum in the United States. Payment can be made by check or via Deutsche Bank Quickpay.

Starting today, our new healthcare provider is Costa Rica! Our relationship with Aetna has ended, so going forward please visit Trevor in Basement Suite D to book any necessary (or voluntary!) medical travel.

A measles outbreak has led to quarantines on the campuses of both UCLA and California State University, Los Angeles. The virus had plans to get into USC as well before it was revealed never to have actually played soccer.

Indonesia will reportedly move its capital from Jakarta because the city is slowly sinking. American conservatives have called the report another example of the left spreading egregious lies about climate change by making up a city called “Jakarta.”

… I think we should start seeing other people.

Cheaper people. In other countries. With less regulation and more lenient tax structures.

I’m just tired of supporting you financially.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/14/18

Gooooood morning, sports fans! As some of you are no doubt aware, the yearly roundball phenomenon known as “March Madness” begins tomorrow! I don’t know about you, but I can already taste the sweat…

Business!

Days after the Chinese Communist Party abolished term limits, allowing President Xi Jinping to continue ruling indefinitely, Donald Trump mused that he might “give that a shot” as well. “I’ve been saying it all along,” Trump told assembled reporters, “I’m a dictator!”

At a recent conference in Houston, Energy Secretary Rick Perry said that the US could either continue using fossil fuels or “go back to living like we were living in the mid-1800s.” Perry then added, “I mean, either is fine with me- I like oil but slavery rules.”

Watch out, Anna from Intelligence– the Russians are coming! Remember, if you suspect you’ve been poisoned by a military-grade nerve agent, stop, drop, and roll… yourself to a hospital immediately.

Washington has become the first US state to pass a law preserving net neutrality. As a result, all Internet traffic into and out of the state must be “neutrally” approved by Amazon.

In further Amazon news, CEO Jeff Bezos received the Buzz Aldrin Space Exploration Award at the Explorer’s Club Annual Dinner Saturday night in New York City. At the dinner, the current richest man in the world was seen eating iguana and ignoring widespread poverty.

Jerry, please stop referring to yourself as “the overall #1 seed.”

During his annual address to Russia’s parliament, President Vladimir Putin touted his country’s military might by showing an animation of nuclear missiles bearing down on Florida. When asked afterwards about the controversial video, Putin replied, “I tried to pick a neutral target- someplace no one would miss.”

Former President Barack Obama is in talks with Netflix about a possible “production partnership.” Netflix plans to sign Obama to two successive four-season deals, after which the platform will shut down completely.

Don’t forget to stop by our special Pi Day bake sale on the third floor! All proceeds benefit STEM education at our for-profit girls’ school in Rwanda. Help them help you!

Notorious “Pharma Bro” Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to seven years in prison for securities fraud. A judge has since inflated the sentence to 125 years, just ‘cause.

Workers have uncovered several ancient, ornate chambers while working on Rome’s subway system. Though the chambers’ former purposes are unclear, they were believed to have been where emperors fornicated with porn stars.

What the fuck is a “Bonnie”?

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/15/18

Hello, consenting adults!  I’ve decided to do a little something different with this week’s memo.  I’ve been feeling slightly “out of touch” with what’s been going on in the world lately, so I’ve made an executive decision to use this communiqué to highlight the latest trend that’s been sweeping the nation…

That’s right: It’s all sexual assault, all the time.

IS THERE ANYTHING HOTTER??

😎

BUSINESS.

Actor Ed Westwick is being investigated by the LAPD after actress Kristina Cohen accused him of sexual assault in a Facebook post.  Somehow the assault, which allegedly occurred three years ago, went unreported by Gossip Girl.

The former owner of New York City club Socialista has corroborated a Fox News reporter’s account of a 2007 encounter with Harvey Weinstein during which the producer masturbated into a potted plant.  In addition, recently uncovered emails reveal the plant was given a role in the 2017 film Tulip Fever in exchange for its silence.

Anna from HR, you’re a fucking prude.  You GO girl!

Yahoo! news reports that Russian trolls watched the Netflix series House of Cards as research for the 2016 presidential election.  “It was a pretty big task, getting a sexual predator into the White House,” said one operative, who goes by the name “Maksim.”  “We wanted to see how they did it.”

Star Trek actor George Takei has been accused of sexual assault stemming from an incident that allegedly happened in 1981.  Takei has vehemently denied the accusations, claiming that, in the 80s, he “only had eyes for Shatner.”

Jerry, no means no.

Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler has defended Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore against allegations of sexual assault involving a fourteen-year-old girl by citing the biblical example of Joseph and Mary.  “See, Joseph, he was a lot older than Mary,” Zeigler told reporters at a recent press conference.  “Whaddya mean they didn’t have sex?!”

A former Mad Men writer has accused series creator Matthew Weiner of sexual assault, alleging that he told her she “owed it to him to let him see (her) naked.”  “I thought he viewed me as a Joan,” writer Kater Gordon wrote in a statement.  “But, in that moment, I realized I was a Peggy.”

This Saturday, join us in Conference Room B for our first ever sexual assault training seminar!  We keep up with the times, even when they’re a reeeeaaaaalllllllll downer.

In an unprecedented move, Sony has decided to reshoot all of Kevin Spacey’s scenes in the upcoming film All The Money In The World in the wake of sexual assault allegations against the actor.  Spacey’s character will be played by Christopher Plummer, whom the studio has called “hopefully celibate.”

Weeks after actress Hilary Burton accused Ben Affleck of groping her in 2004, the actor has said he would like to be “part of the solution” to sexual assault in Hollywood.  Hours later, he castrated himself.

C’mon, guys- rape the environment, not people.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 10/14/16

Loyal minions, oh so much has happened since our last correspondence.  Tapes were leaked, pussies were grabbed, and America finally came to terms with the fact that it is an unrepentantly sexist gloryhole that can only be reborn in fire.

I’ll light the first match!  BUSINESS.

British insurance company More Than has commissioned artist Dominic Wilcox to create the first-ever contemporary art exhibition for dogs.  The installation has caused much consternation in the British academy, as many critics have deemed it, dismissively, “pup art.”

Last month, Russian hackers infiltrated the World Anti-Doping Agency database and published medical records for Olympic athletes such as Simone Biles and Venus and Serena Williams.  After the WADA attack and a similar one on the Democratic National Committee, the only thing Russian hackers still haven’t been able to get into is a vagina.

Let’s all welcome Anna from HR back from her long, productive stint in rehab!  Sometimes to truly understand the rules, you have to break them repeatedly.

Reddit users have discovered that Internet sensation Ken Bone, who gained fame for asking a question about energy policy at the second presidential debate, admitted on the site to committing insurance fraud and believing the shooting of Trayvon Martin was justified.  User Rand0mzz281 expressed frustration with Bone on the subreddit r/SexWithDeadDogs, stating “Yo, this dude is sic.”  He later added, “dat sweater doe.”

The most expensive flight in the world is now Etihad Airlines first-class trip from New York City to Mumbai, India, checking in at $38,000 one-way.  Of course, the fare is only available to Kshatriyas and above.

Jerry, it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

For the first time in recorded history, atmospheric carbon levels have reached 400 parts per million at their annual minimum, a measurement that some scientists are calling the planet’s “point of no return.”  Director Michael Bay has already optioned a film with that title, starring Scarlett Johansson as sexy scientist May Bescrewed and Vin Diesel as carbon.

On the heels of her husband’s recently leaked comments regarding women’s genitalia, Melania Trump wore a “pussy-bow” shirt to the second presidential debate.  The act represents the only moment of genuine self-awareness in the entire 2016 campaign.

Whatever you do, don’t read this!  Or this!

Russian state television cut a recent weather report during which it referenced a possible nuclear attack on America.  “We’re very sorry,” a network executive said in a statement, “for tipping our hand.”

A new study suggests that human beings may only be able to live to 115 years old.  This comes as a relief to many millennials, who can now target 2035 as the year they no longer have to hear about “The Greatest Generation.”

Smell that?

That’s Bill Cosby.  He was the first to go.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Friday, 4/15/16

It’s a beautiful day in the gig economy!  Health insurance is soooooo 1998.  Business!

A Minnesota company has created a gun that looks exactly like a cell phone.  Though merely a prototype, the weapon is said to have a longer range than both T-Mobile and Sprint.

Louisiana Tech Women’s Basketball coach Tyler Summitt, son of legendary Tennessee Women’s Basketball coach Pat Summitt, has resigned following reports that he impregnated one of his players.  When informed of the situation, the Louisiana Tech athletic department was reportedly “shocked and disappointed” to learn that one of the team’s players was interested in men.

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on finally beating cancer!  She’s in a better place now.  A memorial service will be held next Tuesday in the second floor break room (next to the water cooler).

An extremely rare copy of Shakespeare’s first folio has been found on the Scottish Isle of Bute.  The discovery is a major boon for Scottish literacy, which the English had previously asserted began around 1993.

In other Shakespeare news, marijuana residue has been found on pipes unearthed from the legendary playwright’s garden.  “This discovery explains the greatest mystery of Shakespeare’s life:” researcher Edward Rathbone told reporters, “The Tempest.”

Jerry, calling you by your name does not “insult your German heritage.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has declared that the leak of the recent “Panama Papers” is an American attempt to destabilize Russia in advance of the country’s September elections.  “If you thought Chernobyl was bad, wait til you see how many people this leak kills!” Putin said in his annual press conference.  “Too soon?”

The Golden State Warriors beat the Minnesota Timberwolves Wednesday night to become the first team in NBA history to win 73 games during a single regular season.  The Warriors broke the previous record of 72 wins set by the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, which stopped at that number because Michael Jordan bet on it.

It’s been a long week.  Need a drink?  Head to the monthly AA meeting in conference room B.  For your family’s sake!

Cloud analysis suggests that global warming could be much worse than previously thought.  To those who don’t believe the phenomenon exists, it remains about the same.

The first trailer for the upcoming Star Wars spinoff film, Rogue One, was released last week.  It features an opening shot of Jawas riding banthas on the planet Tatooine, followed by two minutes of George Lucas masturbating with a $100 bill.

What is with you people and Snapchat?  Keep it in your pants, teens!

-The Chairman

Standard