Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/5/19

Happy Pride Month, Gays! Remember, be complex individuals worthy of the representation you’ve been given in the media or they will TAKE IT AWAY.

Business!

On his state visit to the UK this week, Donald Trump said a Brexit deal was “teed up.” Many were left wondering what Trump has been doing for almost 200 days of his presidency, as he clearly doesn’t understand golf.

Meghan Markle’s ex-husband has remarried, this time to the daughter of a former Countrywide executive. “Her father may not be a prince,” Trevor Engelson said of his new bride, “but he did sell $200 million worth of stock options in a company right before it went bankrupt and helped trigger the biggest financial crisis in decades.”

Congratulations, Anna from Development, on becoming a certified Arbonne consultant! It’s definitely not a pyramid scheme!

Last week’s Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in an 8-way tie. The event’s organizers were reportedly “far too bored” to continue.

Ben & Jerry’s has announced its intention to sell CBD ice cream once it is legal to do so. The company will reportedly add the compound to its flavor Chunky Monkey, which already tastes like shit.

Jerry, you did not teach Drake your “technique.”

A right-wing candidate elected to represent North East England in the recent European Parliament elections actually lives in the South of France. “We wanted to elect someone who really represents our interests,” Sunderland resident Ned Dalrymple told UK newspaper The Guardian Tuesday, “to get the hell out of northeast England.”

Corporations paid $91 billion less in taxes in 2018 thanks to the Republican tax bill, and 60 Fortune 500 companies effectively paid no taxes whatsoever. Fearing backlash, many companies have since pledged to donate a tax-deductible .000001% of all future profits to train inner-city youth to respect the ideals of liberty through twice-yearly seminars led by Turning Point USA and The Richard M. Nixon Foundation For A Transparent Government.

Don’t forget: Mauritius is a place!

Elizabeth Warren has promised to push for a new law allowing the indictment of a sitting president if she is elected in 2020. “I have nothing to hide,” Warren said of the proposal, “I swear on my great-great-great-uncle, Sitting Bull.”

A robocall scam purporting to raise money for Donald Trump’s 2020 presidential campaign collected over $100,000 this past January. As Trump has overturned several key statutes related to fraud, the money cannot be returned.

More Dumbledores, please- y’all ain’t even KNOW that boy loved the D.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/31/18

My Fellow Gerrymanderers,

I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…

#RELEASETHEMEMO

#BUSINESS

Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died.  He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.

Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery.  To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.

Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech!  I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!

In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.”  The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!

Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon.  Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.

LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.”  She later added, “And also at golf.”

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91.  “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement.  “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters!  I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!

The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama.  “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”

#RELEASETHEHOUNDS.

Let’s make that a thing.

-The Chairman

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