Hello Wealthy Acquaintances,
I’ve never met the man. Let’s move on.
Former independent presidential candidate Ross Perot has died. According to his will, Perot requested to be buried “just close enough to Bush to make him nervous.”
A new law in Mississippi makes it illegal to label non-meat products with terms like “burger” and “hot dog.” In related news, Mississippi has become the first US state to eradicate the opioid crisis.
Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Payable, for taking a cue from the US Women’s Soccer team and advocating for equal pay within the company! The answer is no.
Scientists have spotted two supermassive black holes that appear set to collide. The Shapiro-Krassenstein debate will reportedly occur in September.
Billionaire hedge fund manager Jeffrey Epstein (whom, again, I barely know), has been charged with sex trafficking involving minors. Epstein has said the women could not possibly have been underage, because “Donald said they weren’t.”
Jerry, we don’t have an “All-Star Break.”
Bay Area congressman Eric Swalwell has dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. Swalwell left his mark during last month’s Democratic Debate when he challenged voters to remember his name.
In further 2020 campaign news, California billionaire and Democratic megadonor Tom Steyer is officially running for president. “I pledge to you, the American people,” Steyer said in an introductory press conference, “that I will somehow wind up wealthier when I soon drop out of this race.”
Mark your calendars! On August 5th, the Westboro Baptist Church will be visiting our offices as part of “Religious Freedom Awareness Week.” Diversity!
Golfer Jon Daly has withdrawn from the upcoming British Open after being denied use of a cart. Open officials have since released a statement clarifying that Daly requested a beverage cart.
NBA Finals MVP Kawhi Leonard has signed with the Los Angeles Clippers. In response, former Clippers owner Daniel Sterling has vowed never to rent a house to Leonard “or anyone who looks like him.”
Who said anything about a private island?