Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

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