Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/30/19

Hello, fellow rightful leaders of Venezuela! It’s like a real-life Game of Thrones, but with less sex and food.

Business!

Embattled Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro last week gave American diplomats 72 hours to leave the country after Donald Trump recognized opposition leader Juan Guaido as Venezuela’s lawful president. The Trump administration responded with a statement reading, “What’s a diplomat?”

In response to the high price of Super Bowl commercials, Mars, Inc. will stage a fully realized, 30-minute Broadway musical about Skittles starring Michael C. Hall on Sunday, February 3rdNew York Times theater critic Ben Brantley has hailed the show as “the perfect marriage of Hamilton and Yellow No. 5.”

Anna from HR, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Yes, in that you’re both hot!

A new report in the Irish Medical Journal details how a Dublin man attempted to cure his chronic back pain by injecting himself with his own semen every month for 18 months. When asked how he produced so much semen, he replied, “Why do you think I have a bad back?”

Officials in parts of the American Midwest where wind chill temperatures reached -60 degrees this week have warned of the potential for almost instant frostbite upon going outside. As a response, Donald Trump has ordered National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you are not seeking the Democratic nomination for president.

The White House has announced that a second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will occur in February. Trump has said now is a good time to reach out to adversaries like Kim, because “relations with all our allies are going so well.”

Billionaire hedge fund manager Ken Griffin has bought a penthouse apartment in New York City for $238 million, the most ever paid for an American home. Just 7 years ago, Griffin told the Chicago Tribune “I think there are a lot of things about ’08 that are worth discussing. Every time there’s been a bubble in asset prices, people get hurt. I think it’s very unfortunate that as a culture we were so encouraged by both the past stability of home prices and a litany of government programs to buy homes, to view them as a safe place to put a significant amount of our net worth, so that as a society we pushed home prices way above where they should have been. When that bubble burst, a lot of people got hurt.”

This Sunday, come watch the Super Bowl in Conference Room XX! When Alex Guerrero wins, we all win.

Parts of Rent, Jonathan Larson’s seminal 1996 musical that was performed live (sort of) last Sunday on FOX, may have been plagiarized from a 1990 novel by lesbian writer Sarah Schulman called “People in Trouble.” If true, it would mark the only known instance of appropriation of any aspect of gay culture by any straight person ever.

Singer Ariana Grande recently tried to get a tattoo of the Japanese characters representing the name of her new song “7 Rings,” but instead got a tattoo of characters meaning “barbeque grill.” Grande has since defended her decision by saying, “To be fair, I didn’t know what I was getting with Pete, either.”

Venezuela should just build a wall. THEY WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/24/16

Good tomorrow afternoon, New Zealand Office,

After a much needed monthlong vacation to contemplate suicide in the wake of Hillary Clinton’s inevitable election, I return to you with a promise.  As I was sifting through the detritus of my largely unlived corporate life, I realized that I had been doing the entire company a disservice.  Since beginning mandatory “sensitivity training” after those comments I made to Margery from Accounting several months ago (case since settled), I have been, well, not my usual self.  I have made the inexcusable mistake of allowing those gay hippie women’s ideas of “right” and “fair” and “non-GMO” to seep into even the most top secret of our communications: The Internal Memo.  Thus, I have avoided (despite the protestations of my loud and usually irresistible inner voice) making the racially-, sexually-, and economically-charged pronouncements which got me this position of power in the first place.

Worry not, non-friends: I will not bow to the whims of the liberal elite any longer.  I have jimmied the tiny lock on my sustainable faux-silver handcuffs and escaped the long arm of the PC law.  I’m ready to say what’s been on my mind for some time.  It’s been eating away at me like a little ringworm of truth, and it’s finally time to let it out, no matter who it may “hurt” or “bring to tears” or “encourage to sue.”  At some point, we must learn to live with the uncomfortable, and sometimes it’s not so comfortable.  But it must be said… for the good of the company, and of the world:

OJ did it.

BUSINESS.

A study in advance of the upcoming Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro indicates competing at the games may expose athletes to antibiotic-resistant super bacteria.  Such bacteria have not been seen since two years ago, when they were passed between several residents of the Olympic Village in Sochi.

Nerds everywhere rejoiced this week at the announcement that Nintendo’s latest Legend of Zelda game would feature a jump button, giving them an opportunity to experience something virtually they have never been able to in real life.

Happy belated Father’s Day, Anna from Legal!  I have no idea how to refer to lesbian parents!

Billionaire investor Chris Sacca was turned away from a recent performance ofHamilton because he had purchased counterfeit tickets.  At one point, an incensed Sacca asked a box office worker, “Do you know who I am?”, to which the woman replied “No.”

According to a new study, men who drink can give their babies fetal alcohol syndrome.  The study comes as welcome news to many women’s rights activists, who would like to see men share the burden of fucking up pregnancy.

Jerry, the company will not be holding a referendum on your “Jexit.”

Archaeologists discovered skeletons and gold coins at a recent dig outside the lost Roman city of Pompeii.  “Yup,” lead archaeologist Francois Vigneault told French newspaper Le Monde, “pretty much what we expected.”

Actor Nicolas Cage has split from his wife of twelve years, Alicia Kim.  Kim is said to be “distraught” over the breakup, while Cage is said to be “looking at himself in the mirror.”

For those of you who missed the NBA Draft last night, we’ll be replaying the entire telecast in conference room B throughout the weekend.  Spoiler alert: Timothe Luwawu-Cabarrot to the Sixers!  PEUT-TU LE CROIRE??

Hasbro is working on a musical based on the board game Monopoly.  The show is expected to last upwards of six hours and only end when the last remaining attendees decide to go to bed.

Despite denying the existence of climate change during his presidential campaign, rodeo clown Donald Trump is attempting to build a wall around one of his golf courses in Ireland to combat the effects of… climate change.  “This has absolutely nothing to do with ‘climate change,’” Trump said when asked about the development.  “It’s to keep the Mexicans out.”

But… what’s gonna happen to Malta?

-The Chairman

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