Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/24/19

Good day human automatons,

I’d like to open this edition of the memo by telling you all just how grateful I am for your collective years of loyal service to this company. As such, inspired by Elizabeth Warren’s proposal of free public college for all, I’ve decided to institute a new incentive program: free continuing education! That’s right, we will fully fund your part-time pursuit of a Masters, PhD, or MD degree, no strings attached, provided you agree to stay at the company for 40 years. Is that a string? How should I know, I didn’t have access to a wonderful program like this when I was younger!

EDUCATIONAL BUSINESS.

Former Governor of Texas Rick Perry is set to step down as Secretary of Energy, a post he once said he would eliminate if elected president. When asked by reporters why he didn’t do away with the position while serving, Perry said that he wanted to prove that everyone in government was corrupt.

A recent sex trafficking sting at the men’s college basketball Final Four in Minneapolis, Minnesota led to 58 arrests. It is not yet clear to which school Rick Pitino was hoping to recruit those involved.

Anna from PR, have you ever tried a weighted blanket? Cause I just got one…

Roger Stone, arrested last year and charged with crimes related to the Mueller Investigation, is speaking next month at the Paper Moon strip club in Richmond, Virginia. The Paper Moon’s owners say the event is an example of the club’s stated commitment to “put an asshole right in your face.”

An Alabama sheriff’s deputy has been placed on administrative leave after he authored a Facebook post reading, in part, “Liberty. Guns. Bible. Trump. BBQ. That’s my kind of LGBTQ movement,” following the suicide of a local gay teenager. The post has drawn backlash even from several right-wing groups, who say the “Q” clearly should stand for “Q.”

Jerry, Maisie Williams is 22.

The first US study utilizing the powerful gene editing method known as CRISPR has begun at the University of Pennsylvania. The school is hoping to alter its genes become Harvard.

In further gene-editing news, a breakthrough new therapy has, for the first time, cured eight young boys born with SCID, or “Bubble Boy Disease.” So far, seven of the eight have elected to stay in their bubbles.

Feeling a little sluggish at work today? You may have a severe and debilitating malformation of your brain! Please stop by the third-floor conference room immediately for a full frontal lobotomy.

George Zimmerman, the Florida man who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012, has been banned from Tinder. “I don’t care,” Zimmerman said in a statement, “only sociopaths still use Tinder.”

The New York Yankees have decided to stop playing singer Kate Smith’s rendition of “God Bless America” during the seventh-inning stretch due to Smith’s history of performing racially insensitive material. “We need to take a long, hard look at our past ignorance,” team president Randy Levine said in a statement. “As such, we will be replacing Kate Smith’s “God Bless America” with Michael Jackson’s powerful and uplifting “Man In The Mirror.”

NB- We will NOT fund your JD. Lawyers only cause problems.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/10/19

Buenos Dias,

Spring has sprung, minions! And you know what that means…

Baseball! After the White House’s decision to cancel an agreement that would’ve made it easier for Cuban players come to the US, we’ve decided to step up our “humanitarian relief” efforts in the country! From now on, we’ll be receiving ~75% of any contracts signed by our clients for the rest of their careers. Capitalism >>>>>>> Communism.

PLAY BALL! I mean, BUSINESS!

The Mormon Church has reversed its stance on same-sex couples, no longer considering their unions apostasy and allowing for their children to be baptized. The ruling does not affect the children of same-sex Holocaust victims, as they have already been baptized.

The Federal Election Commission has levied a fine of $390,000 on a pro-Jeb Bush super PAC that received a $1.3 million donation from a Chinese firm during the 2016 election cycle. According to campaign filings, $1.2 million of the gift was used to develop the slogan “Jeb!”

Beer before liquor, never been sicker? Not for Anna the intern, who took down a case of Bud Light and chased it with a fifth of Aristocrat vodka without puking during sorority pledging this weekend! Delta Delta Delta she can help ya help ya HELP YA.

Harvard is looking into allegations that the school’s fencing coach made a sweetheart real estate deal with the parents of two student-athletes that may have affected the students’ admission. “We had no idea how much épéed,” the school’s compliance office said in a statement, “or we would have foiled his plans.”

Breaking with the policies of his predecessor Jeff Sessions, Attorney General William Barr has ordered an investigation into the Department of Justice’s treatment of LGBTQ employees. “Mr. Sessions refusal to look into these issues has made it very difficult to discern who our LGBTQ staff members are,” Barr told reporters, “and eliminate them.”

Jerry, I am not a “thot.”

Agrichemical conglomerate Monsanto has been ordered to pay $80 million to a California man after a judge determined its Roundup weed killer caused the man’s cancer. Monsanto contends the man is a weed.

University of North Carolina women’s basketball coach Sylvia Hatchell is being investigated for allegedly making racist remarks to players. Hatchell contends that she cannot be racist, as she took several classes through the university’s Afro-American studies department.

Need a break this week? Do yourself a favor and take a relaxing walk through our new life-size terrarium in the Sackler wing of the Madoff building! We’ve imported several warm and fuzzy creatures to brighten your day, like the world’s biggest tarantula, the Goliath Birdeater! Please sign a waiver before entering.

Thirteen parents implicated in the “Operation Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal have agreed to plead guilty to federal prosecutors. Under the terms of the deal, they will each have to take the SAT twice a year until they die.

Elizabeth Holmes, founder of fraudulent med tech company Theranos, is engaged. The couple has refused to take a blood test.

Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack
If you get caught then you’ll never come back
So let’s scoot, scoot scoot to the dinghy
You’ll be, just so glad you caaaaaaame
For it’s one, two, three million bucks
Or there’s nooooo baaaalllll gaaaaaaaaame!

-The Chairman

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