Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/7/18

Olé, fellow Del Toros! (Wo)Man… what an inspiring Oscars. If I learned one thing from the In Memoriam, it’s that straight white men are on the way out!

And taking their place: straight fish men!

What a world. Business!

Porn star Stormy Daniels, who allegedly had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006, is suing the erstwhile developer. Daniels is reportedly asking for 15 seconds of her life back.

A former Russian spy living in England is in critical condition after being exposed to an unknown substance. Though the incident echoes infamous poisonings of other spies by the Russian government, experts suspect British cooking.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on winning the company Oscar pool! Enjoy your free month of Hulu!

The father of a survivor of the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida reportedly doctored emails to make it seem like CNN scripted a question during a town hall held in the wake of the incident. “The most important takeaway from the horrible attack on our children perpetrated at Marjorie Stoneman Douglas high school last week,” Glenn Haab, father of student Colton Haab, said of the incident, “is that CNN is fake news.”

A man featured in a viral advertisement for a dating site geared towards Trump voters was revealed to have a felony child sex conviction. A subsequent investigation discovered 90% of the site’s users did as well.

Jerry, Get Out is not “the new Birth of a Nation.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly investigating $40,000,000 in suspicious transactions made by former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, including $25,000 spent at New York pharmacy Duane Reade. Manafort initially flagged the charge as fraudulent, but was later found to have purchased 15,000 bottles of Wite-Out.

Gun maker Storm Ruger has been forced to cut 700 jobs due to poor sales. The cuts have caused the retailer to rethink its employee discount.

It’s snowing on the East Coast! Why not curl up with a nice hot mug of baby mice wine! It’s twice as mice©!

An investor group led by women has canceled its plans to buy the former Weinstein Company. “Oh, I’m sorry, Harvey” lead investor Maria Contreras-Sweet said after the announcement, “did we pull out too soon?”

Last week, a church in Pennsylvania held a blessing ceremony for the AR-15 rifle, the same gun used in last month’s school shooting in Florida. The ceremony left four martyred.

And the Oscar goes to… the salmon I ate for lunch!

It’s about time for a sea change…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/15/18

Hello, consenting adults!  I’ve decided to do a little something different with this week’s memo.  I’ve been feeling slightly “out of touch” with what’s been going on in the world lately, so I’ve made an executive decision to use this communiqué to highlight the latest trend that’s been sweeping the nation…

That’s right: It’s all sexual assault, all the time.

IS THERE ANYTHING HOTTER??

😎

BUSINESS.

Actor Ed Westwick is being investigated by the LAPD after actress Kristina Cohen accused him of sexual assault in a Facebook post.  Somehow the assault, which allegedly occurred three years ago, went unreported by Gossip Girl.

The former owner of New York City club Socialista has corroborated a Fox News reporter’s account of a 2007 encounter with Harvey Weinstein during which the producer masturbated into a potted plant.  In addition, recently uncovered emails reveal the plant was given a role in the 2017 film Tulip Fever in exchange for its silence.

Anna from HR, you’re a fucking prude.  You GO girl!

Yahoo! news reports that Russian trolls watched the Netflix series House of Cards as research for the 2016 presidential election.  “It was a pretty big task, getting a sexual predator into the White House,” said one operative, who goes by the name “Maksim.”  “We wanted to see how they did it.”

Star Trek actor George Takei has been accused of sexual assault stemming from an incident that allegedly happened in 1981.  Takei has vehemently denied the accusations, claiming that, in the 80s, he “only had eyes for Shatner.”

Jerry, no means no.

Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler has defended Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore against allegations of sexual assault involving a fourteen-year-old girl by citing the biblical example of Joseph and Mary.  “See, Joseph, he was a lot older than Mary,” Zeigler told reporters at a recent press conference.  “Whaddya mean they didn’t have sex?!”

A former Mad Men writer has accused series creator Matthew Weiner of sexual assault, alleging that he told her she “owed it to him to let him see (her) naked.”  “I thought he viewed me as a Joan,” writer Kater Gordon wrote in a statement.  “But, in that moment, I realized I was a Peggy.”

This Saturday, join us in Conference Room B for our first ever sexual assault training seminar!  We keep up with the times, even when they’re a reeeeaaaaalllllllll downer.

In an unprecedented move, Sony has decided to reshoot all of Kevin Spacey’s scenes in the upcoming film All The Money In The World in the wake of sexual assault allegations against the actor.  Spacey’s character will be played by Christopher Plummer, whom the studio has called “hopefully celibate.”

Weeks after actress Hilary Burton accused Ben Affleck of groping her in 2004, the actor has said he would like to be “part of the solution” to sexual assault in Hollywood.  Hours later, he castrated himself.

C’mon, guys- rape the environment, not people.

-The Chairman

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