Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/31/18

My Fellow Gerrymanderers,

I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…

#RELEASETHEMEMO

#BUSINESS

Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died.  He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.

Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery.  To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.

Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech!  I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!

In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.”  The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!

Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon.  Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.

LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.”  She later added, “And also at golf.”

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91.  “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement.  “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters!  I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!

The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama.  “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”

#RELEASETHEHOUNDS.

Let’s make that a thing.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

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