Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/22/19

Valar Morghulis.

Valar Dohaeris.

Valar… Business.

For the first time ever, a great white shark has been spotted in the Long Island Sound. The shark settled near Greenwich, Connecticut, where it easily blended in.

At an annual charity hockey game in which he scored eight goals, Russian President Vladimir Putin tripped over a rug on the ice while waving to fans. Putin called the incident “an act of NATO aggression that will not be tolerated.”

Congratulations, Anna from Legal, on publishing your first book! Dukakis: An Erotic Journey can’t not be a hit.

A record 13.6 million viewers took in the series finale of Game of Thrones Sunday night, all from the same HBOGO account.

In further Thrones news, when conservative website The Daily Wire turned a quote from character Syrio Forel into a meme disparaging socialism, the actor who plays Forel, Milton Yerolemou, took to Twitter to express his displeasure. Many conservatives were surprised to learn that someone in a show that glorifies torture and inherited wealth while breaking all of the promises made to its supporters over the years did not share their views.

Jerry, you are not the new Matlock.

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was re-elected last week, despite his Liberal-National Coalition trailing in the polls for over two years. Donald Trump reportedly called to congratulate Morrison on his “big victory” and urged him not to take the country in the direction of its neighbor, Germany.

Taiwan has become the first Asian country to legalize same-sex marriage. Under the “one China” policy, the preceding sentence is nonsense.

Thanks to everyone who came out last Saturday to commemorate the ninth anniversary of Joe Sestak’s historic victory over Arlen Specter in the 2010 US Senate Democratic primary in Pennsylvania! That was some gooooood scrapple.

Actress Scarlett Johansson is engaged to SNL performer Colin Jost. “Scarlett’s already been married twice, which shows that love is a fleeting thing that ends not with eternal happiness but a bitter and lasting disappointment that strips us of our innocence and forces us to confront our own mortality in ways that lead to self-harm and perhaps the harm of others,” Johansson’s publicist said in a statement. “And the couple is very happy.”

Washington has become the first state to allow human remains to be composted. “This is an outrage,” one lawmaker who opposed the measure told reporters, “people will be rolling in their graves.”

You know nothing, Jon Sno- er, David Benioff.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/10/14

IT’S THE ANNUAL MIDNIGHT MEMO!  You should have received this memo at exactly 12 AM CST.  If you didn’t… oh well.
 
North and South Korea exchanged fire last week amid military exercises.  Hope Psy’s OK.

Ukraine’s acting Interior Minister Arsen Avakov has declared that unrest in the country will end in 48 hours either by diplomacy or by force.  “We have several hundred mules,” Avakov said, “and they will kick if necessary.”

Congratulations to Anna from sales, Anna from marketing, Anna from HR and Anna from the mailroom!  You’ve all tied for the top spot in our annual March Madness pool!  You all only managed to pick 21 out of 63 games correctly, but they were the right 21!  You will each be receiving a check for $134,439.00.
 
Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in hot water after a recently released surveillance video showed him making out with a staffer.  “Fuck you, God,” said McAllister, a devout Christian, “you said this would never get out.”

The FBI has arrested five people in Augusta, Georgia in connection with a sex trafficking ring ahead of the Masters golf tournament.  “Whatever,” said Juanita Patrice Croft, one of the women arrested, “without Tiger there, we weren’t gonna get any business anyway.”

Jerry, aren’t you a little old for Take Your Child to Work Day?

UMass guard Derrick Gordon has become the first openly gay player in Division 1 Men’s College Basketball.  Or, at least, that’s what he says.
 
HBO has renewed its hit series Game of Thrones for two more seasons.  “Game of Thrones represents the best in television today:” said HBO CEO Richard Plepler.  “Sweet, sweet breasts.”
 
In other Game of Thrones news, HBO’s popular streaming service HBOGO crashed during the recent season four premiere.  Well, I guess that’s more like Real Sex news.  AM I RIGHT, PUBESCENT BOYS??!!

Hestia, Greek goddess of the hearth, is widely regarded as the mildest, most upright, and most charitable of all the Olympians.
 
The Houston Astros received a 0.0 Nielsen rating for their game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Monday night.  It was the team’s highest rating since 1998.

Orange is the New Black star Kate Mulgrew claims she was tricked into narrating a documentary promoting geocentrism, the idea that the sun revolves around the Earth.  “C’mon guys,” Mulgrew said in a statement, “I play a Russian prison cook in a show that isn’t even on television.  Nobody believes what I say.”

Wow, I can’t believe March Madness is over.  It’s only April 10th.

-The Chairman

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