Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/20/19

Happy Presidents’ Day week! Remember those guys?

BUSINESS.

Hong Kong has instituted a ban on vaping that could result in jail time for violators. As a result, several million teenagers have applied for Australian refugee status.

The Bramble Cay melomys, a tiny brown rodent native to the island of Bramble Cay near Papua New Guinea, has become the first mammal to go extinct due to climate change. Donald Trump has since released a statement asserting the animal never existed.

Anna from Reception, are you Portugal? Because when I was last in you, you were FULL of cheap wine.

Navy veteran George Mendonsa, the man depicted in the iconic “kissing sailor” photo from the end of World War II, has died. “It’s a real shame- there will never be another photo like it,” Mendonsa said in an interview last year, “because now our wars don’t end.”

Despite having only 5% of the world’s population, the United States consumes 80% of the world’s supply of prescription opioids. Upon hearing of the statistic, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tweeted, “Who says we don’t have universal healthcare?”

Jerry, you were not the inspiration behind Bohemian Rhapsody.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has been released from federal prison. “I’m just so grateful,” Weiner told reporters on his way out of the facility, “that she’s almost of age.”

Prominent New York real estate developer David Lichtenstein called the day Amazon announced it would cancel plans to build its “HQ2” in New York “the worst day for NYC since 9/11.” In the wake of the insensitive comment, many are calling Lichtenstein the second-worst developer in New York’s history.

The Oscars are this Sunday! Has anybody seen Green Book? That’s the one with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as Mao, right?

A man pretended to be stood up by his date at Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day in an attempt to get a free meal. The restaurant became suspicious when the man chose to dine at an Outback Steakhouse on Valentine’s Day.

Despite posting a profit of over $11 billion last year, Amazon is expected to pay $0 in federal taxes. In exchange, all IRS workers will receive free two-day shopping on purchases for the next year.

Presidents — they’re just like us. They eat, sleep, and breathe amoral profit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/5/17

Good Morning,

Well, fuck it, I tried.  I did absolutely everything I could to make this company profitable and give back to the shareholders and fuck over everyone who doesn’t work for us and enrich myself greatly by quasi-legal means.  And what did I get in return?  The Syrian government is killing children with chemical weapons and North Korea is firing ballistic missiles at Japan.  Meanwhile, the United States has a real estate shyster and the head of a fossil fuel company doing diplomacy.  Oh, and did I mention that at least one of those two DIDN’T WANT THE FUCKING JOB IN THE FIRST PLACE?  Now it’s only a matter of time before every single one of us is incinerated in the greatest extinction event since the dinosaurs.  WHICH EXISTED, MIKE PENCE.  JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

It is with a heavy heart that I present to you what may very well be the last business of our lives.

A new study indicates that playing a single game of Tetris can reduce the effects of PTSD.  And increase the effects of TSD.

New York design firm Clouds Architecture Office has drafted plans for a skyscraper that would orbit the Earth while hanging from an asteroid.  The structure is being marketed as the perfect place for those who “don’t want to close their eyes, don’t want to fall asleep.”

Congratulations, Anna from HR.  I’m glad you finally graduated from community college in time to die.

A missing Indonesian man was recently found dead in the belly of a giant python.  To clarify, the man was Chinese, but the python’s name was Donesia.

The number of heroin users in the United States has increased fivefold.  And that’s just since November.

Jerry, do whatever the fuck you want.

A new company is matching up people with opposite political views over free Starbucks coffee, in the hopes that they can at least agree it tastes burnt.

Following its successful launch of a recycled rocket booster, Elon Musk’s company SpaceX is currently hiring 473 positions.  The only necessary qualification is an ability to be talked down to.

Who wants scones?  Enjoy your last indulgence before our fiery apocalypse- Conference Room C.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has vowed to close famed prison complex Rikers Island.  In response, HBO is suspending original content development indefinitely.

The Coastal Carolina University cheerleading squad has been suspended pending an investigation into alleged prostitution.  Some of the school’s sports teams reportedly became suspicious when the cheerleaders’ only chant was “Give me a D!”

You know what I’ll miss most?  Apples.

Bet you didn’t see that one coming.

-The Chairman

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