Internal Memo for Wednesday, 5/29/19

Happy Memorial Day, ungrateful millennials! How did you celebrate? I marked the occasion by spitting on the graves of several prominent veterans, then exhuming the body of another and defecating in its mouth.

Business!

Burger King’s new Impossible Whopper, made with the meat-free Impossible Burger, will be available nationwide by the end of this year. It is expected to compete directly with McDonald’s chicken nuggets, which also contain no meat.

Since he has been in office, Donald Trump has spent $102 million of taxpayer money on extra travel, much of it to his corporation’s properties. The figure has riled even some conservative groups, who contend Hillary Clinton only would have spent about $100 million on covering up the multiple murders ordered by her and her husband.

Anna from Marketing, love the new hair color! I didn’t know it was safe to dye down there.

Teresa May was forced to step down as Britain’s prime minister last week after failing to negotiate a Brexit deal with the European Union. May said she was proud of her tumultuous tenure, believing it would bring about “peace in our time.”

Actor Kit Harington, who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones, reportedly checked himself into rehab to deal with the show’s conclusion. Following the final episode, he was joined by several thousand of the show’s devoted fans.

Jerry, that’s not the plot of Gorillas in the Mist.

A baby weighing just 8.6 ounces when she was born in a San Diego hospital several months ago has officially been released, making her the smallest surviving baby on record. The child’s parents remain worried about her future, as their insurance only covers babies born heavier than four pounds.

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Disneyland’s latest expansion, is set to open this Friday. According to leaked documents, the attraction will feature everyone’s favorite characters from the Star Wars universe, including Styron Dispassionate, Arkham Stan, and the notorious Corellian bounty hunter Wiernot Eventrying.

REMINDER: In the event of an evacuation, do not use the stairs. They haven’t been renovated in years and are NOT up to code.

In an extraordinary move, Robert Mueller held a press conference today to highlight some of the findings from his team’s investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “The Bears are who we thought they were,” Mueller said in the course of his profane and wide-ranging remarks, “and we let ’em off the hook.”

For the first time in the country’s history, Israel’s parliament has voted to dissolve and hold new elections after Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was unable to form a coalition government. “We will survive this,” Israeli MP Amir Peretz told reporters Monday, “And then talk about how we did for the next 2,000 years.”

Repeat after me:

YOU DON’T

WIN WARS

WITH AVOCADO TOAST.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Thursday, 7/5/18

My company tiiiiis of thee
Sweet land of P-R-O-F-I-T
My boss is kiiiiiiing
Job where my fathers died
Job of my swallowed pride
Whene’er my boss decides
Money I will briiiiiiing

Happy Fifth of July, (A)Un(t)cle Sam(ette)s! Just your friendly neighborhood freedom lover over here recovering from his right to beer arms! That’s right: Beer arms! Get it?? I had ‘em!

Now, I understand that some of you are distraught from the complete and utter lack of a memo last week. AND from not receiving your usual delivery this week. Well to that I say: Let’s make it a double! From the land that brought you PB & J, Sonny & Cher, and Diamond & Silk, not to mention two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, I give you: A DOUBLE MEMO.

It’s gonna be bloated, like the bureaucracy!

JUST as our forefathers intended…

BUSINESS.

Justice Anthony Kennedy has announced he will retire from the Supreme Court. During his tenure, Kennedy took part in several influential decisions that no American can name.

A new billboard in Texas tells liberals to keep driving until they’ve left the state. Several left-leaning groups have come out against the sign, saying, “We don’t need a billboard.”

Starbucks has announced that it will close 150 stores next year. Analysts say the chain is losing ground to competitors such as Dunkin Donuts, Argo Tea, and public restrooms.

Saturday Night Live actor Pete Davidson and pop star Ariana Grande, both 24, are engaged. The pair are said to have led “remarkably similar” lives, in that both have been short.

Anna from Nutrition, thanks for setting out those guidelines for yesterday’s barbeque! Nobody followed them!

Following a judging error at this year’s Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, Major League Eating is considering moving from human to digital judges. “We just think digital judges are more reliable,” Major League Eating President Rich Shea told ESPN, “and less likely to get eaten.”

Manila, Philippines tops the latest edition of Deutsche Bank’s annual list of cheapest destinations to buy a beer, with an average of price $1.50. As a bonus, the price includes dysentery.

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt has resigned. Sources say he saw a $10 bill outside his office and just bolted.

In further Pruitt news, the former Oklahoma Attorney General wrote in his resignation letter that Trump was serving because of “God’s providence.” Trump, whose staff reads all written material to him, excitedly replied, “He’s right- I have a prominent rod.”

Jerry, please stop saying the Revolutionary War was about states’ rights.

Several Los Angeles residents have been victimized by a scam involving three Russians and a Prius. I had always heard it as four Russians and a Prius, but same difference.

LeBron James is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for a second time and joining the Los Angeles Lakers. Those close to James say he wanted to finally put to rest the idea that he only cared about winning.

Explorers in Mexico have discovered that the country’s Sistema Huautla cave, one of the largest in the world, is even bigger than previously thought. Donald Trump has since vowed to send troops into the cave in the hopes of finding Hillary’s emails.

The woman who shouted “Fuck you” at Donald Trump last month has been identified as Congressional intern Caitlin Marriott. Marriott was later identified as three exceptionally gifted but starving migrant children in a trench coat.

Today is National Bikini Day! Let’s nuke those Q3 goals!!

The contestant pool on this season of The Bachelorette includes a sex offender and a conspiracy theorist. Considering the rest of the contestants, both are thought to be heavy favorites.

Delta Airlines has banned pit bulls as service dogs. The act is the result of a misunderstanding about why many Delta customers fear for their safety.

New York City saw a record 62.8 million tourists in 2017. Remarkably, not all were beloved.

A retired English teacher recently returned a letter from Donald Trump with edits. Before giving it to their boss, aides adapted the letter into a 15-minute video praising Trump for his handling of tariffs.

The memo is never late. Like freedom, it always comes right on time.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/23/18

Cherokee Nation presents: The Thanksgiving Memo!

They’ve assured me that all is forgiven.  Business!

Donald Trump says he believes Vladimir Putin when the Russian president says his country did not meddle in the 2016 presidential election.  Trump also says he believes that Hillary Clinton actually won the 2016 election, and that she should be impeached.

Elsewhere in election meddling, a new report has uncovered disinformation campaigns in 18 countries’ elections since last year.  That number is expected to fall next year, as more countries become part of Russia.

I’ll have the dark meat, Anna from the cafeteria!  That means you 😉

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has interviewed top White House aide Stephen Miller as part of his investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.  After the meeting, Mueller called Miller “cooperative” and “a complete sociopath.”

Ridesharing giant Uber reportedly paid hackers $100,000 not to release data stolen from 57 million of the app’s users in 2016.  The massive cover-up has been called the most ethical decision the company has ever made.

Jerry, it is not called “Brown Saturday.”

Facing an epidemic of deaths from hazing, many US colleges are suspending Greek life on campus.  “Just suspending, not disbanding,” Louisiana State University President F. King Alexander said in a statement.  “We’re not narcs.”

Rapper Sean “Diddy” Combs announced on Twitter that he has changed his name once again, this time to “Love A.K.A. Brother Love.”  He also revealed the name he really wanted, “Relevant Again,” was unavailable.

Did you know that a cornucopia is supposed to be made with a goat’s horn?  Neither did I, ‘til I spent Christmas with Ed from Accounting!  He’s a “Wiccan!”

Over 15,000 scientists have signed onto a new letter warning humanity of the disastrous effects of manmade climate change.  As a rebuttal, over 15,000 NRA members have signed onto a letter calling Barack Obama a Muslim.

Michael Oreskes, head of news at NPR, has resigned amidst allegations of sexual harassment.  Several women have accused Oreskes of “speaking in a soft, monotone voice” and “constantly soliciting donations.”

Without white people, the Indians would STILL be in jail in China.  Ungrateful fools!

-The Chairman

Standard

1/20/17- Congratulations, We’re Fucked!

Good Afternoon,

As you may have guessed from the subject, I am switching gears from my usual internal memoranda in order to address a subject that has been at the forefront of many Americans’ minds over the past couple of months.  I’m referring, of course, to the Indian government’s decision to “fight dark money” by taking 500 and 1,000 rupee bank notes out of circulation.

I can assure you that we are fighting this rash, impulsive action with every resource available to this company.  India has always been one of our greatest allies in business and oppression, and we resolve to continue the free flow of large sums of cash through the streets at any cost.  We will not rest until large currency is back in circulation, ensuring easier completion of DEFINITELY UN-corrupt deals of all kinds for years to come.

Sincerely,

The Chairman

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Psst- still there?  Now that the NSA has stopped reading, I can finally address the fake elephant in the room.

Yes, America, you’ve finally done it.  It’s distinctly possible, in fact, that some of you within this company have helped.  Throughout the recent election cycle I tried to remain impartial, only bothering to comment on how boring both VP candidates were or the necessity of hiring paramilitary operatives to aid in an inevitable coup (no matter the result).

Now, however, I can make my true feelings known on whatever the fuck just happened to this country and what it means for the future.

Simply put, I am a businessman.  My political preferences, like my penis, lean more right than left.  I am of course in favor of lower taxes across the board (but much more for the wealthy) and, otherwise, I believe government should stay out of people’s lives and uteri.  Now, some of you sheeple would take this to mean I am an unabashed supporter of the pro-capitalistic (maybe?) neo-conservative (sure!) Donald Trump and his Republican allies.

Wrong.  Loud wrong.  Please refrain from filing an HR complaint when I ask you holy SHIT how in god’s name did you get so fucking wrong?

As the rappers say, let me break it down for you.  As a businessman, my chief aim is always and only business, as in the free flow of goods and services between consenting adults and impressionable young children with a taste for tobacco.  For such business to continue and ultimately succeed, only one component is needed: stability.  You see, I can make money off of anything, and under any set of laws.  Tax me and I’ll put my money offshore.  Regulate me and I’ll charge higher prices.  Break up my monopoly and I’ll buy Pacific Avenue to form a new one.  No amount of government regulation or control short of Stalin-level nationalization can stop this company and its fearless leader from exploit- I mean, advancing the cause of a free and fair market.

At the beginning of this election cycle, there were ~1,000,000 choices of candidates.  On the left there was Bernie Sanders, who never had a shot in hell for many reasons, chief among them that America hates Jews.  There was also Hillary Clinton, giver of Wall Street speeches and arbiter of globalist, Euroliberal steadiness.  On the right there were, in no particular order, Marco Rubio, John Kasich, Chris Christie, Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina, Big Bird, Scrooge McDuck, David Duke, Jesus Christ, and Donald Trump.  Oh, did I forget Jeb Bush?  Didn’t we all.

The point is, America couldn’t distinguish between the policies of any of these assholes if it tried.  American politics has never been about policies (as 99% of all policy promises are broken as soon as a candidate takes office (Pew International, p. 5)), but this race was especially not about policies.  In nominating Hillary Clinton, the Democratic Party forced regurgitated Robotussin down voters’ throats and, in nominating Donald Trump, the Republicans dropped racist LSD.

Needless to say, American voters (that nebulous group that includes you and several thousand Macedonian teens) were not thrilled with their choices.  On the one hand, they had a woman who vowed to keep the status quo, which for many in middle America means Oxy and STDs, and on the other hand they had Max Greenfield’s character from The Big Short.  One was even-keeled and offered no easily understood solutions for improving the average person’s quality of life, and one was fucked up on gold Krylon fumes and offered a subprime mortgage on a little property known as “America.”

What would you choose?  Well, if you have no money, probably the latter.  If you have a lot of money, probably the latter as well.  Wait a second… how does that work?

Well, “friend,” I’m glad you asked.  It’s because that same subprime lender who promised you two high-flying months followed by a fucked up future also offered us folks at the top of the pyramid scheme a cut of your money.  Not a lot of your money of course (Ha- like you have any), but enough that, when combined with lower taxes and the obscene capital gains we already make (don’t worry, I don’t expect you to know what those are) it allows eight of us to amass more money than the rest of you combined.  It should be nine, but I just missed the cut.  And I mean just.

You see, in a free market, money flows to the top.  Rich people start banks, into which poorer people deposit their money, which is then used to make high-risk, high-reward investments that reward – you guessed it! – us rich people.  If those investments don’t work out… the government makes like Yankee Stadium’s gay grounds crew and rolls out the TARP.

Is this an oversimplification?  Yes.  Do I care?  No.  Am I a Bond villain carelessly explaining my master plan before you somehow get wise and escape just in time to take me down?  Maybe… but you’re no James Bond.  For starters, you’re far too ugly.

So what’s the problem with all this, you ask?  I mean, by all rights, I should be thrilled.

And I am.  A little.

But I’m also (and this takes a lot for a man with three Bentleys to admit) fuckin terrified.

You see, when I first started this company with nothing in my pocket and only a $1,000,000 loan from my father in the bank, I had a dream.  I dreamt that someday our widgets, foodstuffs, and personal care products would hold together machinery, stock shelves and fill bellies all over this great nation.  How was I able to make this dream a reality?

Oh yes, through “hard work,” sure, but also through the collective unconsciousness of a sedate populace.

By electing a megalomaniac with the serious potential to wage nuclear war on both friends and enemies over a perceived slight the size of his hands, we have awoken a sleeping giant.  There are protests in the streets.  I can’t afford protests!  If people are protesting, they’re not working, and therefore people like me don’t make money (oh, and, needless to say, if you protest you’re fired.  This isn’t Woodstock you fuckin hippie).  And, as I laid out earlier, I need to make money to survive.  One of those Bentleys is leased.

The point is that the old adage “the rich get richer and the poor get poorer” is no longer simply an adage, mostly because I don’t know what that word means.  It is a clear and present fact- or, in the words of Tom Clancy, a Rainbow Six.  It is entirely possible that this unbridled deepening of the wealth divide between the haves and the have-nots will spiral out of control and cause some real problems.  I mean, rich people area already taking advantage of their power and influence in horrible, sadistic, satanistic ways.  Hello, ever heard of a little thing called PIZZAGATE!!??FEHFBIESUHUEHHSERE>?!?!JiOJ_+(

So listen up intrepid, loyal, interchangeable members of this company: I’m not pleased.  I wanted America to hum along giving social carrots like gay marriage and gay bathrooms to all, blissfully unaware of the solid gold spur of capitalism crushing the 99% underfoot.  Sadly, that spur is now painfully obvious.  And worse, it’s only gold-plated.  But that will not stop me from continuing to amass pharaohic wealth while bringing you the greatest gift of all: employment.  This company will operate as it always has, without regard for who is in that big White House on Pennsylvania Avenue or the big 9-bedroom house 10 minutes north.  As long as everybody sits tight, does his or her job, and remembers that, above all, I’m the boss, we should be just fine.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish macraméing this life-sized vagina dentata…

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Monday, 11/7/16

‘Twas the night before this mess, and all through the House
Not a Speaker was stirring, not even his spouse
The jockeying was done without mercy or care
In hopes it would disappear soon like Trump’s hair
The voters were fretting all snug in their states
Divisions and frog cartoons stoking their hates
When down at Fox News there arose such a clatter
WikiLeaks emails of course were the matter
In a great orange flash Donald boarded his jet
Along with his servile army of pets
“Now Corey!  Now Comey!  Now Kushner and Conway!
On Christie!  On Ailes!  On Rudolph Giuliani!”
Their tiny minds racing with thoughts of election
They blissfully shunned any news of rejection
But try as they might, they could not shake the feeling
That tomorrow’s results just might send them all reeling
Certain that it would go down to the wire
They stayed up all night to see what would transpire…

According to a new study, New York is the second-most rat-infested city in America.  It is expected to drop to third on November 9th, when both presidential candidates leave.

Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley have expressed concern that Apple’s new Bluetooth-enabled AirPod headphones put users at risk for exposure to harmful radiation.  When asked for comment, company spokesperson Kim Doros replied, “According to our internal studies, when given the choice between an iPhone and their health, people always choose the iPhone.”

Congratulations to Anna from IT on successfully hacking into FiveThirtyEight.com!  Things are looking up for this “Evan McMullin”…

Scientists believe Tasmanian devil milk might be a breakthrough weapon in the fight against superbugs.  Unfortunately, the development has led to several researchers’ deaths in mini tornadoes.

This past June, popular porn site Pornhub launched a “described video” category aimed at users who are blind.  So far, the site’s most popular videos are those narrated by Joseph “Kinky Joe” Mahorn, known in industry circles as “the Shakespeare of anal.”

Jerry, there is no such thing as “late voting.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti T’eo will reportedly miss the rest of the season with an Achilles tendon injury.  Doctors performing an MRI to assess the damage were shocked to find that T’eo never had an Achilles tendon in the first place.

Members of the Harvard men’s soccer team have been punished after their “report” ranking members of the school’s women’s soccer team by attractiveness leaked.  Additionally, the players involved are being vetted for possible posts in President Donald Trump’s cabinet.

Look on the bright side, everyone: If Trump wins, we get another Sound of Music.

The FBI has announced that it found no criminality in its most recent batch of emails relating to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private server while Secretary of State.  However, the bureau has recommended a term of 3-5 years in prison for anyone who talks about the case ever again.

The James Webb Space Telescope, heir to the famed Hubble Space Telescope, is reportedly powerful enough to see far into the past.  Scientists say it can almost, but not quite, make out a time before this election.

And Wolf Blitzer cried, at the horrible sight
“It’s too close to call, we’ll be here all night!”

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Saturday, 11/5/16

Dear Potential Voters (sorry, janitorial and kitchen staffs),

In preparation for Tuesday’s chaos, I have decided to inundate you with four straight memos chock full of information regarding our country’s future and the policies that will affect your lives (over which you will have no control).  Now that we’re all in agreement that democracy is a farce and the only thing that should influence our votes is money, let’s get to something that will exist until the Earth is forever swallowed up by the sun: BUSINESS.

Federal authorities have alerted law enforcement in Texas, Florida, and New York about possible al Qaeda attacks in advance of election day.  “Please god,” said 53-year-old voter Helen Inman of Queens.  “Does that mean neither one wins?”

Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told advertising trade magazine Adweek that he would’ve run for president had he been born in the United States.  He later added that he wouldn’t have fathered an illegitimate child with his nanny had he been sober.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on making that balance sheet your own!  Remember, numbers are constructs and the laws of our physical world are built on relativity.

A Chinese blogger going by the name Proud Qiaoba recently published a story about a friend who she claims received 20 iPhone 7s from 20 different boyfriends, then sold the phones in order to buy a house.  Donald Trump has since cited the story as further evidence of corruption within the Clinton Foundation.

Some particularly vocal Donald Trump supporters are calling for a repeal of the 19th amendment, which grants women the right to vote.  As a corollary, those same supporters are calling for a 28th amendment which grants men the right to grab pussy.

Thanks for testifying, Jerry.  Big help.

On a recent trip to China, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte announced his country’s “separation” from the United States, calling US President Barack Obama a “son of a whore.”  Duterte has since been hired as a full-time correspondent for CNN.

Actress Susan Sarandon has said she will not vote for Hillary Clinton, stating she does “not vote with [her] vagina.”  “I will not be defined by my anatomy,” Sarandon continued, “I would much rather be defined by my willingness to push America to the brink of a fascist dictatorship followed by nuclear war.  BERNIE 2020.”

I admitted to the $5,000,000 loss several months ago, Your Honor.  Case dismissed?

Melania Trump, whose husband is running for president on an anti-illegal immigration platform, may have immigrated to (and worked in) the United States illegally.  “One of the lessons that I grew up with was to always stay true to yourself and never let what somebody else says distract you from your goals,” Melania said when confronted with the allegations, “Success is only meaningful and enjoyable if it feels like your own.

Islam Karimov, Uzbekistan’s first-ever president and one of Parade Magazine’s “World’s Worst Dictators,” has diedParade has announced that his replacement is uncertain and will be contingent on the outcome of the upcoming US presidential election.

If you think I’m releasing this late at night to avoid scrutiny related to the company’s recent financial missteps, you’re sorely mistaken.  And you’re fired!

That’ll teach you to read.

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/6/16

Happy belated, America!  You were the greatest country in the world for the better part of 200 years… quite the accomplishment.  Business!

FBI Director James Comey has called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton “extremely careless” with classified information during her time as Secretary of State, but has not recommended bringing charges against her.  “Listen, she’s no longer in a position of power, so who cares?” Comey said at a press conference.  “No further questions.”

A grizzly bear killed a mountain biker last week near Glacier National Park in Montana.  After the mauling, the bear hopped on the dead man’s bike and now has 5,000,000 views on YouTube.

“Started from the bottom now she’s here!”  Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on her promotion to “mail supervisor!”  Thirty years in the making!

The Taiwanese military accidentally fired a missile last week that killed a Chinese fisherman.  “We are furious that the Taiwanese military would mercilessly murder a Chinese citizen, accidentally or otherwise,” Chinese General Fan Changlong told reporters after the incident.  “Only we are allowed to do that.”

Virginia lawmakers have introduced new legislation to prevent 12 year-olds from getting married in the state.  “I like the law,” said Felix Hatfield, 53, whose fiancé is 12 year-old Ellie Mae Jensen.  “I’ve always wanted to move to Mississippi.”

Jerry, it’s called a piccolo, not a “sound phallus.”

A work featuring drifting Gabors took home first place in the Neural Correlate Society’s “Best Illusion of the Year” contest for 2016.  The work narrowly beat out the second place illusion: American democracy.

Notorious infidelity website Ashley Madison has admitted that some of the female “users” of its site are not actual women, but virtual computer programs.  “We decided to come clean, as we don’t want any of our users to feel cheated,” parent company Avid Life Media wrote in a statement.  “Just their spouses.”

Want to “Beat the Heat” this summer?  Why not stay at the office?  The AC is on and the work is reeeeaaaallll cooooooooooool.

Pilot Bertrand Piccard made history last month when he completed a 71-hour journey across the Atlantic Ocean in a solar powered plane.  The actual flight took 14 hours, but Piccard’s team built in an additional 57 hours for self-congratulation.

One of Donald Trump’s advisers told CNN that he expects the “candidate” to pick a running mate by next week.  “His choice will need to fit three main criteria,” the source said, “36-24-36.  And only if she’s 5’3”.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and as they age they sort themselves out into very rich and very poor.

-The Chairman

Standard