Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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Internal Memo for Friday, 3/11/16

Sup Berniebros?  Don’t forget to mansplain to some feminazis today.  Michigan!

The US Department of Labor has filed suit against New York electronics superstore B&H Photo Video, alleging the retailer made Hispanic workers use separate bathrooms from other employees.  In a countersuit, B&H alleges the Department of Labor is run by a bunch of “filthy Hispanics.”

Subway has promised to make sure its “Footlong” sandwiches are actually a foot long after a recent lawsuit.  The suit represents the most egregious case of footlong false advertising since the last Republican debate.

Who knew human beings could live without food or water?  Anna from Accounts Payable did, when she started her monthlong stillness meditation two weeks ago!  Has anybody checked on her?

Newly uncovered medical records indicate that Adolf Hitler had a severely deformed micro-penis.  “I used to recommend that people go back in time and kill baby Hitler,” said researcher Thomas Bonn in a statement.  “Now, I would at least wait til he hits puberty.”

A suburban Chicago high school has apologized after its students staged a skit about a slave auction at a recent conference.  “We didn’t mean to offend anyone,” school spokesman Morgan Delack said in an interview, “we were simply trying prepare our kids for a possible Trump presidency.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “causal Fridays.”

A British woman who lives like it’s 1939 is seeking a husband.  “He must be charming, capable,“ her recent newspaper ad read, “and support Prime Minister Chamberlain’s ideas of appeasement.”

The University of Virginia has unearthed a hearth from the days of founder Thomas Jefferson while undertaking renovations.  Forensic analysis has revealed the hearth to be the only place on campus free of Jefferson’s semen.

Phil from Accounting left the lights on in the men’s bathroom again last night.  Phil, don’t ask how I know this, ask why you haven’t been fired yet.

The nanny with whom Gavin Rossdale cheated on Gwen Stefani is pregnant.  The father’s identity is as yet unknown, but a recent sonogram has revealed the fetus looks like a washed-up D-list 90s rock singer.

The Guinness Book of World Records has certified Holocaust survivor Israel Kristal as the World’s Oldest Man.  “I’d like to dedicate this great honor to Adolf Hitler,” Kristal said in an interview, “and his disgusting, terrifying, tiny, tiny, microscopic baby penis.”

Enjoy the weekend, superdelegates!  Remember, you’re the real stars of democracy.

-The Chairman

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