Internal Memo for Friday, 9/9/16

Smell that?

The grass, the cleats, the America

Oh, yes… it’s football season.

So grab a girl, lock the bathroom door, and get ready for the most exciting game of all…

BUSINESS.

North Korea claims to have completed its fifth nuclear weapons test Friday morning, the country’s largest yet.  Experts say the powerful warning to the international community was designed to coincide with the annual release of Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte.

An Australian school has apologized after awarding one of its students a “best-dressed” prize for his Adolf Hitler costume.  The school has declined to comment on the boy’s subsequent award-winning science project.

Great job last night, Anna from the infirmary!  It’s hard to figure out when to examine an NFL player for a concussion, and you exercised appropriate restraint.

Hickeys and wasps are two of the stranger things now known by doctors to cause strokes.  So far this year, hickeys by WASPs have resulted in 15 fatalities in Greenwich, CT alone.

A Canadian man was recently barred from entering the US after admitting he had smoked marijuana in the past.  The man claims he was unfairly profiled, as he is Canadian and thus forbidden to lie.

No, Jerry, you may not request that your quarterly reports be published posthumously.

More than 3 million honeybees are dead after officials in South Carolina utilized aerial insecticide spraying to combat the Zika virus.  “Three million?” South Carolina’s Republican governor Nikki Haley said after hearing the news.  “I told you they weren’t going extinct.”

Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo has named its newest baby camel “Alexander Camelton.”  The newborn has already written 51 of the zoo’s wildly popular “Fodderalist Papers,” while the other animals still can’t read.

As summer winds down, don’t forget to get some sun!  We’ve installed grow lights on floors 1-3 to compensate for the lack of windows.

Police officers chasing a Brooklyn robbery suspect Thursday came upon several 8-foot tall marijuana plants in an East New York apartment building.  The officers then seized the plants, indefinitely postponing the release of the much anticipated film Cheech & Chong’s Little Shop of Horrors.

Star Wars: Episode VIII is set to be released in May of 2017.  The script is not yet finished, but Star Wars rights holder Disney is already calling the film, “By far the greatest toy commercial in history.”

Man… nothin like tossin that pigskin.  Isn’t that right, new company spokesperson Peyton Manning?  He’ll endorse anything.

-The Chairman

PS- Miss a recent memo?  SHAME ON YOU.

Catch up here or here.

NOW.

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Internal Memo for Friday, 9/2/16

Can you serfs believe it’s already SEPTEMBER??  I mean, where does the time go?  It seems like only yesterday I was making my first million selling frozen concentrated orange juice futures, and now I own a man-made island the size of Turkey.  Anybody who says America isn’t the greatest country on Earth can just HAVE a SEAT.

BUSINESS.

UN health officials are concerned that common STD gonorrhea is becoming untreatable.  As a result, certain sections of Queens, NY have been closed to the public.

A printing error in an early edition Harry Potter book may be worth thousands of dollars, making it the costliest typo since a 2003 White House memo killed 1,500 Iraqi civilians.

Man, Anna from the cafeteria has got a butt.  And she’ll be cooking it up all week special just for us!  Pork butt from our company farm in Mexico.  That’s Mexico, New York, of course.  Crooked Hillary!

Speaking of Mexico (the country), authorities there have discovered a tunnel that leads from the Mexican state of Sonora to the American state of Arizona.  The Arizona side of the tunnel is reportedly unfinished, however, due to lack of Mexican labor.

Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko recently told CNN he believes Russian President Vladmir Putin wants to take over all of Ukraine.  When informed of the comments, Putin replied, “I think he means Russia.”

Jerry, it’s pronounced “SHE-eye-t.”

Singer and convicted domestic abuser Chris Brown is facing up to 14 years in prison after allegedly threatening a woman with a gun.  “I don’t think Chris hates women,” Brown’s friend Ray J said when asked about the incident, “I just think he gets mad at how they react to his microscopic penis.”

On his final trip to China as President of the United States, Barack Obama plans to ask the Asian nation to practice “restraint” in future international dealings.  When asked how he will phrase the request, Obama replied, “Please?  Pretty please?  Pretty pretty please?  C’mon, guys- please?  Don’t hurt us- we’ll do whatever you want.”

Ever wondered where coffee comes from?  If so, check out our upcoming seminar, “Get Down with that Brown,” this Sunday at 8 AM in Conference Room B.  Hint: It’s a bean!

Niantic, the company behind Pokémon Go, has threatened to ban for life those who cheat at the game using tactics such as GPS manipulation and bots.  In related news, several thousand parents of middle schoolers have recently learned how to manipulate GPS signals and install bots.

Four survivors of the deadly 2012 movie theater shooting in Aurora, CO have been ordered to pay almost $700,000 to Cinemark, the owner of the theater in which the shooting occurred, after a failed suit against the company.  Rather than pay the exorbitant sum, the four have reportedly killed themselves.

Friendly reminder that this coming Monday is Labor Day!  Or, as I like to call it, “Monday.”  What better way to celebrate than with labor?!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/26/16

What do we want?

BUSINESS!

When do we want it?

ALWAYS!  But especially RIGHT NOW.

Methamphetamine residue has been found in various streams in and around Baltimore.  The discovery has led to rampant speculation that the Baltimore PD planted drugs in the bodies of water in order to railroad them.  Some activists have also warned that, depending on where the waters originate, it could represent an egregious case of glacial profiling.

A man in Neubrandenburg, Germany recently attacked another man’s car with an extra-long sausage.  Local authorities are calling the incident “very authentic.”

Congratulations to Anna from Sales on winning the gold medal in the 25-meter pistol!  Try not to turn that gun on the Greek government!

A Japanese truck driver playing Pokémon Go hit two women on Tuesday, killing one.  In memoriam, app creator Niantic has made the site of the accident a Pokéstop.

The US federal government has declared a public health emergency in Puerto Rico due to the Zika virus.  The territory has subsequently added the disease to its list of things to spend other people’s money on.

Jerry, some men would like to speak to you about a “gas station incident.”

Mounting evidence suggests that the 2013 Oscar-nominated film The Wolf of Wall Street, about a stockbroker misappropriating funds, may have been financed by embezzled money.  It is the most high-profile case of life imitating art since Albanian sex traffickers kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter in June.

In related Wolf of Wall Street news, the film’s star Leonardo DiCaprio and his 24-year-old model girlfriend Nina Agdal were involved in a car crash in the Hamptons this past week.  Agdal reportedly suffered a minor cut on her left cheek, leading DiCaprio to immediately replace her with a different 24-year-old model.

Now that the Olympics are over, the testosterone station in the cafeteria is back in action!  I know I missed it.

Stanford University has become the latest college to ban hard alcohol at campus parties.  Students are apparently “distraught,” as they’ve been left with nowhere to turn when their school inevitably chokes away the Rose Bowl.

The NFL reportedly has plans to open its 2018 season in China.  “We think China is a great place to grow our global brand,” Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a statement.  “There’s no Chinese word for ‘concussion.’”

Say it with me now: TPP IS ALRIGHT WITH ME.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/29/16

Good afternoon, flying monkeys!  A bit of wisdom from yours truly to jump start your day:

Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on.  Being successful means that you’re working hard and walking your walk every day.  You can only live your dream by working hard towards it.  That’s living your dream.

Amen, me.  Business!

Music legend Prince, found dead last week at his home in suburban Minneapolis, reportedly left no will.  His sister said that the singer, a devout Jehovah’s Witness, requested to be buried in his house along with all of his belongings, and that the house be left untouched until he saw fit to resurrect himself and, quote, “Show y’all motherfuckers what I learned in the afterlife.”

Archaeologists in Mongolia have unearthed a 1,500-year-old mummy that appears to be wearing Adidas sneakers.  “We’ve finally found him,” lead researcher Enkhtuya Enkhjargal said of the discovery, “the real O.G.”

Y’all GOTSTA give it up for Anna from the maaaaaiiiilllroooooooooom!  She just won the company freestyle battle (sponsored by Warner Bros. new movie Barbershop: The Next Cut– now playing in select cities) for the fourth year in a row!  Girl can spit, yanahmean?  I don’t!

A tiger was seen wandering the streets of suburban Houston last week.  “I certainly did not purchase, train, and release a tiger in the hopes that it would maul Dwight Howard in retaliation for all of the pain and suffering he has caused this great city over the past three years,” Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey said at a recent press conference.  “I’m sorry, what was the question again?”

Scientists have discovered a giant coral reef off the coast of Brazil.  The reef is expected to disappear in 2-3 months, as the coral is harvested and mixed with elephant ivory and rainforest wood to create an expensive Chinese medicine used to treat occasional dandruff.

Jerry, please refrain from calling him “Bob Barker: Pet Eugenicist.”

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin was recently photographed walking on the beach in Los Angeles with actress Heather Graham.  Coincidentally, this week’s Goop newsletter includes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recipe for “Heather Graham crackers,” which calls for two non-GMO graham crackers covered in organic human shit.

Bernie Sanders’ campaign launched a special Snapchat filter on the day of the New York Democratic primary earlier this month, irritating some voters.  The filter reportedly employed facial recognition to identify people making more than $35,000 a year and branded them with the words “CORPORATE FUCKING SCUM.”

The NFL Draft continues tonight!  Or, as brain doctors call it, “Christmas.”

Speaking of the draft, former #1 overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell says he would play for free to get another shot at the NFL.  Russell, who made $36.4 million during his 3 years in the league, is being hailed as “the Mother Teresa of football.”

Pictures have been posted online of a group of high school students in Princeton, New Jersey playing a Holocaust-themed game of beer pong.  “Those pictures are definitely fake,” said junior Jon Hansen, one of the students allegedly involved in the game.  “Just like the events it’s based on, that game never happened.  Am I still suspended?”

I have just been informed that, quite RIDICULOUSLY, some people thought I plagiarized my earlier inspirational quote.  I would like to assure you that, like my brotha in arms, the ever-vigilant Shaun King, I have been misrepresented.  You see, in the first draft of this memo, I had properly attributed the above words to their source, the inimitable Marlon Wayans.  Unfortunately for all involved, my editor inexplicably removed the attribution after the piece had left my hands.  Utterly preposterous.  And I don’t even have an editor.  If I did, he would have been fired.

Disgusting.

Stay strong, Shaun.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/22/16

Wow, what a day!  I’m soooooooooooooooooo “high.”  Business!

New York magazine alleges that professional buffoon Donald Trump has an “arsenal” of secrets about Fox News chairman Roger Ailes with which he could blackmail the network head.  According to the magazine, Trump is one of the few people to have visited Ailes at his home office: Hell.

Personal care giant Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $72 million as part of a lawsuit linking its baby powder to ovarian cancer.  As part of the settlement, the company will also change its slogan from “No More Tears” to “Lots More Tumors.”

Anna, that is one fat “spliff!”  And your butt’s not bad, either!

A 3-year-old Chinese boy was rescued recently after he fell down a 295-foot well.  The dog who rescued him, known as the “Chinese Lassie,” was subsequently eaten as part of the Yulin dog-meat festival, the world’s foremost birthplace of pernicious stereotypes.

A Russian billionaire is attempting to achieve immortality by uploading his brain to a computer.  “With this procedure,” businessman Dmitry Itskov said in a statement, “I will finally be able to see the day when Russia will again be a major player on the world stage.”

Jerry, stop being such a “narc!”

Hilary Clinton’s campaign chairman hinted at a government cover up of UFOs in a recent interview with CNN.  “I looked into it after Bernie won Michigan,” John Podesta told “The Lead.”  “I thought ‘who’s believes this shit?’  Low and behold: aliens.”

Two actors’ necks were slit during the opening night performance of Sweeney Todd at a New Zealand high school.  It was the school’s worst accident since last fall, when two actors contracted AIDS during the opening night of Rent.

Whoa, like… is the floor moving?  Charles?  Jackie?  Prudence Hopefeather?  I’m “freakin out” “dudes!”

During a surprise appearance at Comic Con, director James Cameron announced plans for four Avatar sequels.  “Don’t worry,” Cameron told the stunned audience, “there’s nowhere to go but up!  Four times!”

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer garnered praise recently when he saved a young girl from being trampled after a Justin Bieber concert.  When asked why he was at the concert in the first place, Hosmer replied, “I knew I shouldn’t have saved her.”

Wait what?

When was it?

Really?

Then what’s that smell?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/15/16

It’s a beautiful day in the gig economy!  Health insurance is soooooo 1998.  Business!

A Minnesota company has created a gun that looks exactly like a cell phone.  Though merely a prototype, the weapon is said to have a longer range than both T-Mobile and Sprint.

Louisiana Tech Women’s Basketball coach Tyler Summitt, son of legendary Tennessee Women’s Basketball coach Pat Summitt, has resigned following reports that he impregnated one of his players.  When informed of the situation, the Louisiana Tech athletic department was reportedly “shocked and disappointed” to learn that one of the team’s players was interested in men.

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on finally beating cancer!  She’s in a better place now.  A memorial service will be held next Tuesday in the second floor break room (next to the water cooler).

An extremely rare copy of Shakespeare’s first folio has been found on the Scottish Isle of Bute.  The discovery is a major boon for Scottish literacy, which the English had previously asserted began around 1993.

In other Shakespeare news, marijuana residue has been found on pipes unearthed from the legendary playwright’s garden.  “This discovery explains the greatest mystery of Shakespeare’s life:” researcher Edward Rathbone told reporters, “The Tempest.”

Jerry, calling you by your name does not “insult your German heritage.”

Russian President Vladimir Putin has declared that the leak of the recent “Panama Papers” is an American attempt to destabilize Russia in advance of the country’s September elections.  “If you thought Chernobyl was bad, wait til you see how many people this leak kills!” Putin said in his annual press conference.  “Too soon?”

The Golden State Warriors beat the Minnesota Timberwolves Wednesday night to become the first team in NBA history to win 73 games during a single regular season.  The Warriors broke the previous record of 72 wins set by the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, which stopped at that number because Michael Jordan bet on it.

It’s been a long week.  Need a drink?  Head to the monthly AA meeting in conference room B.  For your family’s sake!

Cloud analysis suggests that global warming could be much worse than previously thought.  To those who don’t believe the phenomenon exists, it remains about the same.

The first trailer for the upcoming Star Wars spinoff film, Rogue One, was released last week.  It features an opening shot of Jawas riding banthas on the planet Tatooine, followed by two minutes of George Lucas masturbating with a $100 bill.

What is with you people and Snapchat?  Keep it in your pants, teens!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/7/16

Good Afternoon,

Today, I am racked with guilt.  I had no idea that my April Fool’s prank last week would cause any suicides…

And it didn’t!  April Fools AGAIN.  Ba-ZING.  Killed it.  Nailed it.  To the cross.  Put it on Gesthemane with two thieves.  Took it down and put it in a cave.  Came back and it was gone.  Wrote the Bible.  The rest is history.  JESUS CHRIST I’m good.  BUSINESS!

The Inspector General’s Office of the US Department of Justice has revealed that the Drug Enforcement Administration spent $86 million on a plane that was never used.  The plane was intended for use in Afghanistan, a country that cost $1 trillion and will also likely never be used.

Pritzker Prize-winning architect Zaha Hadid has died at the age of 65.  As a woman in the male-dominated field of architecture, she was most famous for reasons which will soon be forgotten.

Congratulations to Anna from our Chile office on becoming a grandmother for the third time, just shy of her 35th birthday!  Things sure are different down there.

For the second year in a row, a student from Long Island’s Elmont Memorial High School has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seventeen year-old Augusta Uwamanzu-Nna has requested that she be killed very soon in a “carefully orchestrated accident,” so as not to risk further tarnishing her legacy.

Microsoft was quickly forced to delete its latest foray into Artificial Intelligence, a Twitter bot modeled after a teenage girl, after it proclaimed its love for Hitler and incest.  “We here at Microsoft would like to apologize,” the company said in a statement.  “This has been our biggest failure since… what version of Windows are we on?”

Jerry, please stop referring to it as “Old Mexico.”

General Hospital stars Brandon Barash and Kristen Storms are divorcing.  Who?

Bernie Sanders supporter Susan Sarandon recently stopped by MSNBC to declare that she would vote for Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton because Trump would “bring the revolution immediately” if elected.  When asked if she would be a target of said revolution, Sarandon replied, “Me?  Please.  I’m far too rich.”

How about that March, huh?  Who knew both lions and lambs laid off their workers?

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has banned all non-essential state travel to North Carolina after the southern state passed a bill discriminatory towards transgender individuals.  In response, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory released a statement reading, “Suck a dick, fag.”

Bernie Sanders has questioned whether fellow Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton is “qualified” to be president.  “She’s simply not in touch with the average American,” Sanders said at a recent rally.  “If she walked down Main Street in Burlington tomorrow, would she accept a puff off a one-hitter offered by the local organic spelt farmer?  Would she peruse the Crow Bookshop for tips on cosleeping with a recently adopted African child?  Would she have a threesome with Ben & Jerry?  Break up the banks!”

“Enjoy” the “weekend,” minions!  What Panama Papers?

-The Chairman

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