Internal Memo for Sunday, 3/27/16

Good Evening,

Let me start by apologizing for the incident with the Easter Bunny we hired for yesterday’s party.  I can assure you we had no idea he was a registered sex offender, or that his costume could do that.

Otherwise, the party was a success!  Business!

A recently released video shows a worker at a Kellogg’s factory in Tennessee urinating on a batch of Rice Krispies Treats cereal.  The company is said to be “furious” that the video leaked, as it showed how the product was given its “snap” and “crackle.”

Pope Francis has joined Instagram, prompting outrage from church officials who believe he already has no filter.

Congratulations to Anna from Inventory on receiving her first communion!  Steve, thanks again for taking advantage of Bring Your Daughter to Work Day two years ago.

A new study shows that many popular brands of chocolate contain unhealthy amounts of heavy metals.  In addition to chocolate, the study found excessive toxins in chicken, water, and American politics.

Speaking of “politics,” a Breitbart reporter has accused Donald Trump’s campaign manager of grabbing and bruising her arm at a rally in Florida.  “Yeah, I did that,” the accused, Corey Lewandowski, told reporters.  “It’s called flirting.”

Jerry, Easter has never been a day of ritual sacrifice.

Actor and philanderer Ben Affleck’s infamous back tattoo of a phoenix is apparently fake.  Surprisingly, his latest film, Batman v Superman, is not.

The LA County Coroner’s Office has not ruled out reopening its six-year-old investigation into Brittany Murphy’s death.  “It appears we may no longer be…” new Chief Coroner David Caruso told reporters while slowly donning a pair of sunglasses, “clueless.”

Please join us in the tenth floor cafeteria this Tuesday night for “Easter?  I hardly know her!”, an evening of standup comedy inspired by sexual miscommunication!  Ages 4 and up, please.

California is raising its minimum wage to $15/hour.  “The more people who think they can make it in this state, the better,” Governor Jerry Brown announced on Friday, “plus, after taxes, it’s more like $3.”

For the first time, an NFL official has acknowledged the link between football and the degenerative brain condition CTE.  “Oh yeah, the evidence is there,” admitted the league’s senior vice president for health, Jeff Miller, “and it’s just another in a long line of compelling storylines that make watching our fair sport great.”

Jesus, we know you’re in there… come out with your hands up!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 10/13/15

School’s back in session!

After an extended hiatus during our emotionally difficult (and financially lucrative!) restructuring process, I am back to hit you with some news of the world… like Queen!  But without the AIDS… last I checked.  Business!

A recent report on mysteriously downed Malaysia Airlines flight MH17 has concluded that the plane was destroyed by a missile fired from pro-Russian eastern Ukraine.  Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to the report by releasing a statement reading, “Ukraine?  I’ve never even heard of this ‘Ukraine!’  I want whoever wrote that report killed.”

Game of Thrones’ Emilia Clarke was named Esquire Magazine’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.”  The Esquire Network is currently developing an hour-long special on the actress, but will wait to air the program until after the Emmys, where its flagship shows Car Matchmaker and How I Rock It are expected to contend for “Best Unintentional Comedy Series.”

Speaking of “Sexiest Woman Alive,” nice hot pants, Anna from marketing!  Ah-OOO-gah!  Hubba hubba!  Boy, would I like to “get into” those things… get it?  “Get into”?  Yowza.

In the largest beer merger ever, Anheuser Busch InBev is buying SABMiller for $104 billion.  To celebrate the deal, the new megaconglomerate will be brewing a limited edition “Monopoly Lager,” an American-style light lager that will combine the unique types of urine found in both Miller Lite and Bud Lite.

Guy Pearce has taken to Twitter to confirm his split with his wife of 18 years, Kate Mestitz.  It is still unconfirmed, however, whether Pearce is the Guy who tried to blow up the British Parliament or the one who directed Snatch.

Fugitive actor Randy Quaid was arrested last Friday when he and his wife were caught trying to cross the Vermont border into Canada.  “Ahhhhh… a jail in Vermont,” Quaid was quoted as saying after the arrest.  “This is where Randy Quaid belongs.”

Yes, Jerry, I know he is now a “free agent,” and no, we will not be employing Jared as our spokesman.

Leonardo DiCaprio has agreed to produce an upcoming movie on Volkswagen’s emissions debacle, a scandal that could cost the company up to $18 billion in fines.  “It is my sincere hope,” DiCaprio said at his press conference, “that this movie can do justice to what can only be described as the worst thing the Germans have done in the past 100 years: cheated clean diesel fuel emissions tests.”

Playboy has announced that it will remove fully nude pictures from its print magazine.  “We’re doing what?” said founder Hugh Hefner, 89, when informed of the decision.  “What’s ‘the Internet’?”

Don’t forget to watch the first Democratic debate tonight!  We’re sponsoring it, so we’re counting on plenty of product placement.  And tell your friends to vote Bernie!  He is toooooootally serious about “redistribution.”

Archaeologists believe they have discovered the remains of the Biblical city of Sodom in eastern Jordan.  Information on the find has been scarce, as thus far all frontline researchers have turned into pillars of salt.

Reality TV personality-cum-presidential candidate Donald Trump will host Saturday Night Live on November 7th.  He has reportedly spent months preparing the show’s cold open: his campaign.

Iran’s conservative parliament approved the country’s nuclear deal Tuesday, opening the door for better relations with the West.  The Iranian government celebrated the news in its typical fashion, by killing a couple of gays.

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for my earlier comments regarding Anna from marketing.  I would like to express my deepest apologies to anyone I may have offended- I was unaware at the time that the term “hot pants” could be a trigger for people who may have seen a very disturbing scene from the otherwise classic arthouse comedy Grown Ups 2.  Please accept my sincerest condolences and do not bring this matter to HR, as they are overburdened with all the layoffs.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Anna, you exude a very sexual energy.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for 6/4/14

Good Evening,

You didn’t think I’d let a single day go by this week without a memo, did you?  Oh, you did?  You’re fired!  Business!

A US man has been diagnosed with Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS.  The virus has killed 282 people in Saudi Arabia since 2012, making it the deadliest thing to come out of the region since religion.

A South Carolina woman was arrested Saturday for stealing a bible from a Wal-Mart.  “What?” Said Frances Thomas, 33, “I just had to see how it ends!”

Don’t forget to check out Anna the intern on the season premiere of Suits– next Wednesday at 9/8c on USA!  Characters are welcome in this office!

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.  To mark the occasion, China is planning another.

Scientists have named an ancient giant crocodile after JRR Tolkien’s mythical beast, the Balrog.  Nerds.

Jerry, there is no such thing as “casual Wednesday.”
 
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has agreed to drop his lawsuit against the NBA and sell the team to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.  “He’s not black, right?”  Sterling said in a statement.  “Then yeah whatever fine.”

A Japanese woman is seeking a divorce from her husband because he doesn’t like the movie Frozen.  “She asked me if I wanted to build a snowman,” said the husband, who prefers to remain anonymous, “next thing I know, my clothes are on the street.”

If you are the owner of a 1984 light purple Datsun automobile, your lights are on.  Also, please move it immediately- you are devaluing the image of the company.

Alaska officials suspect that a low-level eruption at the state’s Pavlof volcano may be intensifying, following reports of ash plumes over 22,000 feet high.  “Somebody rang the bell,” said park ranger Dean Jacobs at a press conference, “WHO RANG THE DAMN BELL?”
 
In the logo for Super Bowl 50, the NFL is replacing the Roman numeral “L” with the number “50.”  “It’s already called the ‘Super Bowl,’” said Commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, “the last thing we need is another weed reference.”

Well… that’s one more hump day on our march towards the grave!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 6/3/14

Good Evening,

Holy CRAP.  The first back-to-back memos in HISTORY.  When I founded this company 150-someodd years ago, I never thought I’d see the day when… excuse me, I’m just… no, no, it’s nothing… it’s just… something in my eye… ohhhh… I’d better get on with the business…
 
A German museum is displaying a live replica of Vincent Van Gogh’s ear.  The ear is part of a uniquely German exhibition called “This Could Be Kinky.”
 
The US federal government recently seized over $138,000 in cash at a Minnesota airport because the money smelled like marijuana.  In related news, Colorado has preemptively filed for bankruptcy.

112 and still kicking- literally!  Happy Birthday to Anna from maintenance, who celebrated by scoring the winning goal in our corporate soccer league championship!  See you at the World Cup!
 
Nic Pizzolatto, creator of the hit HBO series True Detective, has announced that the show’s second season will feature three new leads and a California setting.  It is tentatively titled Two Guys, a Girl, and a Taco Place.

Under Obamacare, prostitutes at Nevada’s legal brothels are now entitled to group health insurance.  However, it costs extra.

Jerry, I’m pretty sure those are not the words to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Ann B. Davis, most famous for playing housekeeper Alice on The Brady Bunch, has died.  And still, all anyone wants to talk about is Marcia.

Scientists have discovered a so-called “mega-Earth,” a planet with 17 times the mass of ours.  “Yes, it is bloated, distant, and inhospitable,” said astronomer Jans Bjornson, “but enough about Kanye West.”

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak caused a stir on Twitter recently when he called global warming alarmists “unpatriotic racists.”  In a subsequent poll of Wheel of Fortune fans, 11% agreed with Sajak, 4% disagreed, and 85% said, “What’s Twitter?”

As part of our recent naming rights deal, the sixth floor conference room will henceforth be known as the Nabisco Ritz Fresh Stacks Everything Crackers conference room.  Please plan accordingly.

Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o has been cast in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII.  “After those last three films,” said Star Wars creator George Lucas after the announcement, “I decided to try real actors.”

The “Godfather of Ecstasy,” Dr. Alexander Shulgin, has died.  His widow, Ann, has released a statement reading, “In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to raving your goddamn face off.”

This is the most regular I’ve been in years!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 6/2/14

Good Afternoon,

Thaaaaaat’s right!  There was no memo last week in preparation for a WEEK STRAIGHT OF MEMOS!  This new pilot program is aimed at getting you more news about the company and the world more often.  Will it work?  Who knows?  But when have I ever been wrong?  Business!

Harry Potter star Emma Watson graduated from Brown University last week, accompanied by an undercover bodyguard in full cap and gown.  At the end of the ceremony, the bodyguard received a degree in celebrity management with a minor in postmodern feminist literature.
 
Veterans Affairs secretary Eric Shinseki has stepped down amidst a rash of scandals at VA hospitals around the country.  Or was it a scandal of rashes?  Find out at 11!

Here’s to you, Anna from PR!  Five years sober!  Everybody raise your glass!

A water main broke in Manhattan last week, creating a massive sinkhole and flooding the legendary Katz’s Deli.  “Not to worry,” said Katz’s owner Jake Dell, “We Jews know how to handle a flood.”

Authorities in India are debating whether one of the country’s wealthiest spiritual leaders is dead or in a deep meditative state.  In related news, Lululemon has begun offering classes in “Death Yoga.”

Jerry, “gay” is not an ethnicity.

At time of writing, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are officially married.

Billionaire Petro Poroshenko has declared victory in Ukraine’s presidential race.  When informed of the election, Russian President Vladimir Putin replied, “That’s cute.”

Are you a psychopath?  Take this test!
 
Surgeons in Slovakia have removed a 13-pound tumor from a man’s face.  The tumor represents the largest sustained growth in Slovakia’s history.

Singer Chris Brown has been released from jail.  No woman is safe.

Wow- that’s a lot of news for one day!  WHAT could POSSIBLY happen TOMORROW?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/23/14

Good Afternoon,
 
I hope you all survived a week of no correspondence due to our office renovations.  I can assure you the Internet is now back up and running and we’ve upgraded to a new fleet of CISCO® 891W-AGN-A-K9 Gigabit Ethernet Wireless Security Routers.  I’m as giddy as a little schoolgirl!  It’s like Christmas come early!  I have to change my pants!  BUSINESS!!

Authorities in Belize have apprehended a suspect in the largest gold heist in Florida history.  Alleged thief Raonel Valdez-Valhuerdis is said to be disappointed he was caught, but thrilled to have escaped Florida.

Solange Knowles recent elevator attack on her sister’s husband, Jay-Z, reportedly stemmed from the rapper’s association with fashion designer Rachel Roy.  Jay-Z has since released a statement acknowledging that he now has 101 problems.
 
Let’s all gather for cupcakes in the cafeteria today as our little journalist Anna from operations goes off to Syria to document the horrors of war!  We’re gonna miss you, sweetheart, but you’ll always have a home here if and when you get Hepatitis A!
 
Former NFL safety Tyler Sash was arrested last week after leading police on a drunken scooter chase.  Or, as the NFL calls it, “Something wholly unrelated to the former player’s health and well being and certainly not having anything to do with concussions.”
 
Ryan Gosling caused an Internet stir recently by wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin.  It is unclear as of yet what the pair is selling.

Jerry, have you ever even seen Schindler’s List?

Oregon State has fired men’s basketball coach Craig Robinson.  Much like his brother-in-law, President Barack Obama, Robinson served since 2008 and had only one winning season.

Golfer Rory McIlroy has called off his engagement to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki.  The two reportedly remain European.

This is a friendly reminder that the company day care is for employees only.  And for children only.  And for humans only.  And it is not a restroom.  Thank you.

An underwater explorer claims he has found the remains of Christopher Columbus’ ship the Santa Maria.  “The ship is in extremely good condition,” says explorer Barry Clifford, “it looks like she could still wipe out an entire native population today.”

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin recently revealed that he writes the hit series on a DOS computer with no Internet connection.  “It keeps things pure,” said Martin.  “All the porn is on the page.”

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

GET BACK TO WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/8/14

Whew… back on schedule.  And just in time!  With the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select… BUSINESS.

Controversial photos emerged this week of 13 year-old Willow Smith lying in bed with shirtless actor Moises Arias.  Arias, 20, is probably a pedophile.

Actor Mekhi Phifer has filed for bankruptcy, proving once and for all that man these goddamn food stamps don’t buy diapers, and, in the end, there’s no movie, there’s no Mekhi Phifer.

With the second pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select… Anna from legal, running back, University of Cincinnati.  Anna has solid hip swivel and above-average elusiveness.  Trust me, I would know.

An Australian man has been charged with disorderly behavior and resisting police after getting so drunk on his wedding day that the minister called off the ceremony.  Jacob Francis Brookes, 41, says he plans to fight the charges and, if necessary, the judge.

Center Andrew Bynum has left the Indiana Pacers.  The team wishes him well in his quest to ever give a shit about anything at all.

With the third pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select… Tim from the mailroom, quarterback, Florida.  Tim had a brief stint in the NFL before working in our mailroom.  He has worked his way back into the draft thanks to his faith and an obscure loophole in the league’s collective bargaining agreement.

A 6.8 magnitude earthquake hit southern Mexico on Thursday, damaging buildings and delaying cocaine shipments to the United States by 2-3 hours.

A sunken ship off the coast of South Carolina could hold as much as $1 billion in gold.  No word on whether or not the clipper’s owner intends to sell.
 
With the fourth pick in the 2014 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Michael Sam, defensive end, Missouri.
 
A West Virginia woman has found a kidney donor on Craigslist.  Herself.

A new book quotes Michael Jordan as saying that he once considered himself a racist.  Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling has since released a statement reading, “SEE?  SEE????”

Well, Jerry… there’s always next year.

-The Chairman

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