Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/3/19

Hello Loyal Patriots,

Happy Fourth of July! It’s like the Purge, but with more tanks.

Business!

IKEA’s “Design Your Own Sofa” feature has spawned a new font: sofa sans. Users have been slow to adopt the font as it is missing every third letter.

Netflix series Stranger Things is taking over New York’s Coney Island this coming weekend. The promotion comes on the heels of last year’s takeover of Rikers Island by Orange is the New Black, which left three dead.

Anna from the cafeteria, are you making hot dogs tomorrow? Cause I might need a new one after last night 😉

A package possibly containing the highly toxic chemical sarin was found in the mail facility of Facebook’s corporate offices in California Monday. Authorities say their chief suspect is Tom.

The avowed neo-Nazi who ran over protester Heather D. Heyer at a Charlottesville rally in 2017 has been sentenced to life in prison, which he requested for recruitment purposes.

Jerry, you are not “the office Radio Raheem.”

The weather was so hot in Germany last week that a man was arrested for driving his motorbike naked. 32-year-old Hans Grausman said he was actually fucking it.

In Paris, which experienced the same record heat, a bicycle melted. Its rider went on to win that day’s stage of the Tour De France, as he was too doped up to notice.

If you’re headed to the beach this week, be sure to stock up on our Goop-branded “natural” sunscreen! Juuuuuuuuuuust kidding- it’s coconut oil. We’re making a killing!

An Alabama man recently discovered a wasp “supernest” consisting of 15,000-18,000 bugs on his property, the fourth such nest reported this year. Bret Stephens has since written a column praising the colony for its “good governance” and “adherence to traditional moral standards.”

In further Alabama news, a woman in the state has been charged with manslaughter after her fetus was shot during an altercation earlier this year. As the fetus was the subject of the argument that provoked the incident, she has also been charged with harboring a fugitive and conspiracy to commit manslaughter.

Gas up.

We ride at dawn.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/13/19

Happy Post-Summit Day, starving peasants! I wish I could say that I had attended yesterday’s lavish festivities in Singapore (complete with stuffed cucumber!), but alas, I was not invited. I can’t imagine why

BUSINESS.

The United States has returned to Spain a letter by Christopher Columbus that had been stolen. This marks the first instance of something Columbus-related ever being returned.

Furniture giant IKEA has announced it will stop using single-use plastic in its stores by 2020. It will continue to stock single-use furniture.

Anna from Marketing, are you dating again? Cause that dress you wore to your husband’s wake was 👌

A 38-year-old man who had his foot amputated in 2016 has gone public with his story of feeding it to ten of his friends. All ten have since died from foot-and-mouth disease.

Approximately 22,000 women marched in Seoul, South Korea on Saturday to protest the country’s epidemic of “spycam porn,” where men take pornographic pictures and videos of women without their consent. Based on the number of women in attendance, the march proved once and for all that Donald Trump is 189 times worse than spycam porn.

Jerry, for the last time, you cannot be “our Jared.” Also, ew.

Prominent Democratic donor George Soros has said he will not endorse Senator Kirsten Gillibrand to be the party’s next presidential nominee because of her role in former Senator Al Franken’s resignation. Many Republicans have since reversed course on Soros, saying all of the conspiracies they have long accused him of leading were actually orchestrated by “all the other Jews.”

Vermont is paying people $10,000 to move there and work remotely. The policy is part of the state’s wildly popular new campaign, “Stimulate another state’s economy, live in Vermont!”

Due to the growing number of employees avoiding gluten, the cafeteria has informed me that we will henceforth be making all of our dishes with cassava flour! And man, does it taste terrible.

Actor Vince Vaughn was arrested for DUI last weekend in California. The actor had reportedly been drinking to forget True Detective Season 2.

A federal judge has approved the long-anticipated $85 billion merger between AT&T and Time Warner. The deal is expected to finally end the debate over which company is worse.

FUN FACT: The world ended yesterday.

We’re just 12 hours behind.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/31/18

My Fellow Gerrymanderers,

I have heard your calls – on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Slack, Reddit, The Daily Caller, The Daily Stormer, Buzzfeed, etc. – and so it is with great pleasure (and no hesitation whatsoever about its impact on national security) that I will finally…

#RELEASETHEMEMO

#BUSINESS

Legendary French chef Paul Bocuse has died.  He will be served sous-vide with a shallot beurre blanc and candied parsnips.

Later this year, Disneyland will unveil its first-ever brewery.  To discourage underage drinking, the establishment will have a strict height requirement.

Congratulations, Anna from Customer Service, on getting a shoutout during last night’s speech!  I didn’t know you singlehandedly killed all of MS-13!

In a related story, a typo on tickets to last night’s event invited guests to the “State of the Uniom.”  The invite was apparently supposed to read “State of the Unisom,” CAUSE THAT WAS BORING AS HELL AM I RIGHT??!

Tonight, Wednesday, January 31st, will feature a rare astronomical phenomenon: a super blue blood moon.  Beginning at approximately 5 PM GMT, spectators from Australia to Russia will be able to look to the skies and see a large holographic projection of Tom Selleck’s mustache.

Jerry, we will not be holding our offsite at the Wynn.

LPGA golfer Suzann Pettersen told a Norwegian newspaper that she often plays golf with Donald Trump, and that he “cheats like hell.”  She later added, “And also at golf.”

Ingvar Kamprad, founder of Swedish furniture giant IKEA, passed away Sunday at the age of 91.  “Congratulations, Ingvar,” his family said in a statement.  “Somehow, you made it through the entire store of life.”

BREAKING NEWS: Amazon has named our “Montgomery County” office one of 20 finalists for its second corporate headquarters!  I’m not sure where it is either, but they can have it!

The emergency management worker responsible for a false ballistic missile alarm in Hawaii earlier this month has been fired.  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

In a recently unearthed 2016 interview, current EPA head Scott Pruitt said Donald Trump, if elected president, would be “more abusive to the Constitution” than Barack Obama.  “What I meant by that is,” Pruitt said Tuesday, “Barack Obama is a Muslim.”

#RELEASETHEHOUNDS.

Let’s make that a thing.

-The Chairman

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