Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/6/19

Good afternoon, Ridiculous Partisan Investigators! How can you help destroy our democracy today?

My preferred method… is BUSINESS.

During a recent Twitter exchange with rapper Nicki Minaj, conservative pundit Tomi Lahren, who has previously used the platform to feud with rapper Cardi B, claimed that her ancestors “discovered America.” “To clarify,” Lahren later tweeted, “I am descended from smallpox.”

Japan has started a program to give away abandoned houses for free. After new residents move in, they have seven days.

Anna from Accounting, are you Imagine Dragons? Cause I try really hard not to think about you but you keep getting stuck in my head 😉

ICE agents arrested rapper 21 Savage last Sunday, claiming that he is a British citizen living in America illegally. Many in the national media believe the arrest was politically motivated, as one of the agents was heard shouting “This for real hip-hop!” before tackling Savage to the ground.

In further ICE news, the agency has been operating a fake university in Michigan as a means of entrapping undocumented immigrants. Students reportedly became suspicious when the school lowered its prices to $30,000 a semester.

Jerry, you are not “the straight Sam Smith.”

Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence is engaged to boyfriend of 6 months Cooke Maroney. She is expected to adorably stumble down the aisle sometime next year.

US intelligence officials recently told Time Magazine that, during a briefing on South Asia, Donald Trump asserted that the independent nation of Nepal and the independent kingdom of Bhutan were parts of India. “Honestly, it was a step in the right direction,” one senior official said. “He used to think they were parts of a woman’s body.”

How did you celebrate Monday’s National Poop Day? I couldn’t 😟.

The US Postal Service suspended deliveries in six states last week as brutal cold gripped parts of the Midwest. In response to the announcement, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh issued a statement reading, “Their drivers should have delivered because, according to the Constitution, if they had frozen to death USPS wouldn’t have been liable.”

Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring on Wednesday joined Governor Ralph Northam in becoming the second high-ranking state official to admit to wearing blackface in college. “I’m definitely not racist- I have a lot of black friends,” Herring told reporters after revealing the incident. “Actually, some of them could be white… I only knew them in college.”

The state of our union* is strong.

*my dick

-The Chairman

Advertisements
Standard

KavaYES – Wednesday, 9/19/18

OH.

MY.

FRIENDS.

WAIT.

YOU’RE NOT MY FRIENDS.

YOU.

ARE MY EMPLOYEES.

AND I.

LOVE.

AND BY LOVE I MEAN TOLERATE.

YOU.

You know that song? “It’s been a cruel, cruel summer”? Well never was that song more true than right here in the year of our lord 2018. Not for me, of course – I made a record $296 million in total compensation along the length and breadth of all my companies – but for my dear, dear friend, and your friend too…

… the honorable justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Now wait, wait, wait – before you all jump down my throat for being “anti-choice” or “misogynistic” or “a fuccboi,” hear me out.

Brett Kavanaugh sucks.

He does! He sucks! I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers and he always be tryin to rape!  I mean, his name is Brett for god’s sake. Is there a name that more loudly screams STRAIGHT WHITE DOUCHE than BRETT???!?!!!

But here, gentle weaklings, is where you and I differ. Greatly. And not just monetarily. Here is where I – educated, landowning kingmaker – and you – impotent, necessarily stupid vassal – prove why I have risen to my lofty station and the highlight of your week is masturbating to the voice of Jon Lovett.

I know who Brett Kavanaugh is. I know what he allegedly* did. And guess what?

I love it.

That’s right. Not the act itself, mind you- I find that reprehensible, I’ve donated to several prominent charities, I’ve listened to Kanye’s song about his daughter, blah blah blah. But the intention? Oh, the sweet, sweet intention…

Presuming you’ve made it this far, and thus can read, I urge you to Google “The Supreme Court.” Keep scrolling, past the pages and pages of material on the homonymous German electro-industrial band, and you’ll find a little-known American judicial institution that’s been home to notorious racistsanti-Semites and, worst of all, straight white men.

Now that you’re back from rage-puking all of your quinoa, click on any old story concerning The Nation’s Highest Court©. I guarantee that, no matter which you choose, you’ll find something you don’t want to see: the law. As Jack Nicholson would say, “You can’t handle the law**!” That’s because the law hurts. The law is evil. And the law doesn’t care if you’re gay or straight, black or white, gay or straight or black or white. All it knows is how to make itself heard. And the way it makes itself heard… is by swingin its dick.

What I’m trying to say, and what is the Chekhovian subtext of any article about the Supreme Court, is that it’s a veritable cadre of big ole dick swingers. Samuel Alito? Dick swinger. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Dick swinger. Clarence Thomas? Literal dick swinger. In fact, the only historical exception was John Paul Stevens. May he, and his bowtie, rest in peace.

Say, hypothetically, you were allowed to address me directly without being fired. I know, I know, it’s a stretch, but bear with me. In this unrealistic scenario, let’s say you even more unrealistically dared to ask me a personal question. And let’s say that question was, “What do you look for in a Supreme Court Justice?”

I would respond as any red-blooded, Jordan Peterson-reading American and/or Canadian would: “I look for an attempted rapist.”

Face it: The act of deciding on the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of certain laws necessitates a certain je ne sais quois***. It requires a certain sense of “Fuck it, I know what’s best, not only for me but for other people, be they fellow US citizens or prudish teenage girls who need to just lighten up and fuck me already.”

You think Sonia Sotomayor doesn’t have skeletons in her closet? Aside from very probably being an illegal immigrant (hello – “Sotomayor”????), I have it on good authority she once entered the body of a Catholic priest and violated several young boys. And then did it again, and again, and again, resulting in the crisis we are dealing with now. Absolutely disgusting. But is anybody reporting it? Only our generation’s Cronkite, and he just got banned from Twitter.

My (very obvious) point in all this is, if you wanna rescind a few laws regarding reproductive freedom, you’ve gotta break a few eggs. Uterine eggs. The kind of eggs that were (and are) only good for birthing upright, morally unterpitudinous, thoroughly masculine men like Brett Kavanaugh. And Les Moonves. And Kevin Spacey. Except not Kevin Spacey cause he’s gay, and ew.

And so, my various and sundry debt-bound servants, I urge you to follow your heart, to follow your dick, and to get out there and vote for Brett Kavanaugh for the next royal justice of God’s own Supreme Court.

Oh wait- you already did.

… nice.

-The Chairman

*I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I left that party early to fuck. Consensually. I told you, I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers ( ~ 2 years before his first attempted rape).

** truth

*** French for “disregard of rape.”

PS- The memo returns next week.

… or does it?

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/2/16

Happy Super Tuesday, Trumpophiles!  Hope you enjoyed yesterday’s zenith of xenophobia as much as I did.  I celebrated in the grand old Washingtonian tradition: campaign-expensed hookers.  Business!

The Church of Latter-day Saints has been instructing members to complete “online missionary work” by giving the Book of Mormon five stars on Amazon.com.  The initiative is part of the church’s controversial new campaign, “Amazon is the new the Amazon!”

In a recent interview with Vanity Fair, Jennifer Garner calls Ben Affleck “the love of my life.”  In a companion interview, Affleck calls Garner “the love of my life’s former boss.”

Let’s all congratulate Anna from Maintenance on 25 years at the company!  That woman sure knows how to polish a knob.

A recent UK study shows that drinking coffee may undo liver damage caused by excessive alcohol consumption.  The study has already led to the deaths of three Bank of America first year analysts, with a fourth in critical condition.

Rapper T.I. has apologized after a radio interview in which he said he could not vote for a woman to be president because women make “rash” decisions.  He later clarified that he meant he would not vote for a woman to be president because several women have given him rashes, in the form of permanent and untreatable sexually transmitted diseases.

Jerry, your grandmother was not “the original Bernie Sanders.”

An Ohio man who fatally shot his roommate and ate part of his brain is up for parole.  His parole is expected to be denied at the present time, but granted next year in Donald Trump’s America! ©

Norwegian teenager Alexandra Andresen has become the world’s youngest billionaire, with a net worth of $1.2 billion.  In a related story, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was seen wandering the streets of Burlington, Vermont late Tuesday night, quietly muttering to himself, “I thought it was a socialist utopia.”

In case you missed it, February was Black History Month!  I know I did.

In the hopes of evening out attendance numbers, Disneyland is introducing surge pricing.  “This is just one more thing we have in common with Uber,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a statement, “another company known for its Mickey Mouse practices and arbitrarily high prices.”

Much like last year’s viral phenomenon “the dress,” an Adidas jacket has caused mass disagreement over its color in a picture posted on the blogging site Tumblr.  “I don’t know what you see,” presidential candidate Donald Trump weighed in, “but I see a Muslim Mexican illegal raping an American manufacturing job.”

Aaaaaaaaaaand the polls are officially closed!  Get out of here, minorities!

-The Chairman

Standard