Internal Memo for Sunday, 8/2/20

Hello Human Robot Dogs,

Had to wait a day to confirm, but I have great news! Those extra $600/week unemployment benefits have officially gone the way of the dodo. That means more potential employees for our ever-growing company! Please disseminate our hiring advertisements far and wide. We pay up to $500/week (based on a 100-hour workweek at $5/hour), with the opportunity to make up to $10/hour after 3 years! Open positions include:

Short-order cook (Houston, Texas)
Nursing home aid (Boca Raton, Florida)
Human body collector (Rocinha, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil)
Crisis actor (various)
Masseuse (my home office)
Human shield (Idlib, Syria)

Don’t work to live, LIVE (or die) to WORK.

Who says Congress doesn’t have its finger on the pulse of the American people?

Business!

High school basketball recruit R.J. Keene recently revealed his college choice by donning a logo mask. Keene, who had declined to wear a mask before making the announcement, is reportedly “very, very sick.”

NFL player Malik Jackson is suing famed body shop West Coast Customs, alleging that they misquoted him prices for work done on two vehicles. Jackson claims rapper Xzibit appeared at his house last year begging to “pimp his rides,” adding, “for free, dawg- I need this.”

Anna from HR, who invited you into the NBA bubble?

An acquaintance of Ghislaine Maxwell claims the disgraced socialite “has tapes of two prominent US politicians having sex with minors.” When asked about the report, Representative Jim Jordan said, “I refuse to believe that there is only one other pedophile in Congress with me.”

Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton has introduced a bill to end federal funding for any public K-12 schools that teach The New York Times Magazine’s groundbreaking “1619 Project,” which reframes United States history around slavery. “We cannot allow our children to be taught anything that is not universally and verifiably true,” Cotton said, “like the Bible.”

Jerry, John Lewis is not an anagram of JonBenét Ramsey.

Beloved television icon Regis Philbin has passed away. Donald Trump has tweeted his condolences to Larry King’s family.

Oklahoma Governor Kevin Stitt has tested positive for coronavirus. “The Supreme Court ruled that half my state is owned by fucking Indians, and I got coronavirus,” Stitt told reporters Monday. “Not a coincidence.”

I would like to take a moment to address the recent coronavirus outbreaks at several of our meat processing plants in North Carolina. I am truly, madly, deeply sorry that our robust supply chain has been disrupted. This has been a difficult, meatless time for many, not least of whom are those who have been forced to celebrate the funerals of their relatives who worked at various meat processing plants in North Carolina without the product to which the deceased devoted their lives. Thank you for your patience and understanding as we speed up the transition from human to automated labor.

White House adviser Stephen Miller has been labeled an “extremist” by the Southern Poverty Law Center. When asked to comment on the designation, Miller replied, “I am not a virgin. How could you possibly even insinuate that? I have a wife. A beautiful, human wife.”

Los Angeles Clippers guard Lou Williams is in quarantine for 10 days after telling the NBA he was leaving the league’s Orlando bubble to attend a funeral in Atlanta, only to show up on a rapper’s Instagram story taken at the Magic City strip club. “To be clear: it was a funeral,” Williams wrote on Twitter, “for DEEZ NUTS, cause they been worked to DEATH.”

Oh, and I’m also hiring a food taster. When the revolution comes, you’ll be killing one of your own!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/8/20

Dear Online,

I would have sent memos these past two weeks, but I was afraid of getting canceled.

Business!

Students in Tuscaloosa, Alabama have reportedly taken to throwing “COVID parties” in a race to see who can become infected with the virus first. Local teen Sam Duggan called the parties “sick.”

Princeton University is removing former university and United States President Woodrow Wilson’s name from its school of public policy. Princeton, which as of 2019 had a $26.1 billion endowment, said it was “proud to have now done all that we can to combat systemic racism and inequality in America.”

Anna from Sales, congratulations on publishing your latest book, Mulungu, Muluku, and Mungu: The Presence and Power of a Common God in Disparate Bantu Mythologies. You look SUPER hot on the back cover.

An Italian boy who started a website for chronicling miracles before dying at the age of 15 is on track to become the Catholic Church’s “patron saint of the Internet.” The child’s family reportedly objected to the church’s initial title suggestion, “patron saint of young boys.”

Mississippi lawmakers have voted to remove the Confederate “Stars and Bars” from the state flag. The state has yet to decide on a replacement image, but Governor Tate Reeves has said he is considering “anything white.”

Jerry, you were not a student of Mary Kay Letourneau.

Northwestern University researchers have discovered a COVID-19 strain that they believe to be unique to the city of Chicago. Donald Trump has since vowed to send National Guard troops to the city.

The president of the Central Asian nation of Uzbekistan recently signed a “Safe Travel GUARANTEED” decree that promises the equivalent of 3,000 USD to any tourist who gets coronavirus while visiting the country. Travel to Uzbekistan is currently restricted to citizens of New Zealand, Vatican City, and North Korea.

Due to the coronavirus pandemic, Broadway theaters will remain closed through the end of 2020. As a result, Disney Theatrical Group has announced that it will make each of its recent Broadway musicals available to stream on its new service Disney++ for the price of a typical orchestra ticket ($250).

In advance of November’s enormously consequential presidential election, I am pleased to announce our very first company candidate town hall! We will be welcoming Independent candidate Kanye West, who will speak to us about the dangers of vaccines, his on-again, off-again friendship with Donald Trump, and what it was like to  collaborate with God. This event will be held in person on Friday, 7/8 in Conference Room DD, as Mr. West says he already contracted the coronavirus and is immune.

Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver DeSean Jackson has apologized for posting an antisemitic quote from Adolf Hitler on his Instagram story. “I now understand that Hitler represents different things to different people,” Jackson said in a follow-up post. “To me, he’ll always be the adorable goofball from Jojo Rabbit.”

The Indian government has banned TikTok and other Chinese-made smartphone apps after recent clashes between the two countries’ militaries near their disputed border in the Himalayas. TikTok’s creators have since urged Indian teenagers to partake in the “Ghandi Challenge,” for which they starve themselves until the app is reinstated.


From now on I promise to fight, alongside my brothers and sisters who were born into their respective genders, to eliminate any possible instances of hatred, intolerance, and/or bigotry towards me and/or them anywhere on the Internet and/or anywhere else, although where else is there? Nowhere that matters.

-The Chairman

And

Elliot Ackerman
Saladin Ambar, Rutgers University
Martin Amis
Anne Applebaum
Marie Arana, author
Margaret Atwood
John Banville
Mia Bay, historian
Louis Begley, writer
Roger Berkowitz, Bard College
Paul Berman, writer
Sheri Berman, Barnard College
Reginald Dwayne Betts, poet
Neil Blair, agent
David W. Blight, Yale University
Jennifer Finney Boylan, author
David Bromwich
David Brooks, columnist
Ian Buruma, Bard College
Lea Carpenter
Noam Chomsky, MIT (emeritus)
Nicholas A. Christakis, Yale University
Roger Cohen, writer
Ambassador Frances D. Cook, ret.
Drucilla Cornell, Founder, uBuntu Project
Kamel Daoud
Meghan Daum, writer
Gerald Early, Washington University-St. Louis
Jeffrey Eugenides, writer
Dexter Filkins
Federico Finchelstein, The New School
Caitlin Flanagan
Richard T. Ford, Stanford Law School
Kmele Foster
David Frum, journalist
Francis Fukuyama, Stanford University
Atul Gawande, Harvard University
Todd Gitlin, Columbia University
Kim Ghattas
Malcolm Gladwell
Michelle Goldberg, columnist
Rebecca Goldstein, writer
Anthony Grafton, Princeton University
David Greenberg, Rutgers University
Linda Greenhouse
Rinne B. Groff, playwright
Sarah Haider, activist
Jonathan Haidt, NYU-Stern
Roya Hakakian, writer
Shadi Hamid, Brookings Institution
Jeet Heer, The Nation
Katie Herzog, podcast host
Susannah Heschel, Dartmouth College
Adam Hochschild, author
Arlie Russell Hochschild, author
Eva Hoffman, writer
Coleman Hughes, writer/Manhattan Institute
Hussein Ibish, Arab Gulf States Institute
Michael Ignatieff
Zaid Jilani, journalist
Bill T. Jones, New York Live Arts
Wendy Kaminer, writer
Matthew Karp, Princeton University
Garry Kasparov, Renew Democracy Initiative
Daniel Kehlmann, writer
Randall Kennedy
Khaled Khalifa, writer
Parag Khanna, author
Laura Kipnis, Northwestern University
Frances Kissling, Center for Health, Ethics, Social Policy
Enrique Krauze, historian
Anthony Kronman, Yale University
Joy Ladin, Yeshiva University
Nicholas Lemann, Columbia University
Mark Lilla, Columbia University
Susie Linfield, New York University
Damon Linker, writer
Dahlia Lithwick, Slate
Steven Lukes, New York University
John R. MacArthur, publisher, writer

 
Susan Madrak, writer
Phoebe Maltz Bovy, writer
Greil Marcus
Wynton Marsalis, Jazz at Lincoln Center
Kati Marton, author
Debra Mashek, scholar
Deirdre McCloskey, University of Illinois at Chicago
John McWhorter, Columbia University
Uday Mehta, City University of New York
Andrew Moravcsik, Princeton University
Yascha Mounk, Persuasion
Samuel Moyn, Yale University
Meera Nanda, writer and teacher
Cary Nelson, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
Olivia Nuzzi, New York Magazine
Mark Oppenheimer, Yale University
Dael Orlandersmith, writer/performer
George Packer
Nell Irvin Painter, Princeton University (emerita)
Greg Pardlo, Rutgers University – Camden
Orlando Patterson, Harvard University
Steven Pinker, Harvard University
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
Katha Pollitt
, writer
Claire Bond Potter, The New School
Taufiq Rahim, New America Foundation
Zia Haider Rahman, writer
Jennifer Ratner-Rosenhagen, University of Wisconsin
Jonathan Rauch, Brookings Institution/The Atlantic
Neil Roberts, political theorist
Melvin Rogers, Brown University
Kat Rosenfield, writer
Loretta J. Ross, Smith College
J.K. Rowling
Salman Rushdie, New York University
Karim Sadjadpour, Carnegie Endowment
Daryl Michael Scott, Howard University
Diana Senechal, teacher and writer
Jennifer Senior, columnist
Judith Shulevitz, writer
Jesse Singal, journalist
Anne-Marie Slaughter
Andrew Solomon, writer
Deborah Solomon, critic and biographer
Allison Stanger, Middlebury College
Paul Starr, American Prospect/Princeton University
Wendell Steavenson, writer
Gloria Steinem, writer and activist
Nadine Strossen, New York Law School
Ronald S. Sullivan Jr., Harvard Law School
Kian Tajbakhsh, Columbia University
Zephyr Teachout, Fordham University
Cynthia Tucker, University of South Alabama
Adaner Usmani, Harvard University
Chloe Valdary
Lucía Martínez Valdivia, Reed College
Helen Vendler, Harvard University
Judy B. Walzer
Michael Walzer
Eric K. Washington, historian
Caroline Weber, historian
Randi Weingarten, American Federation of Teachers
Bari Weiss
Sean Wilentz, Princeton University
Garry Wills
Thomas Chatterton Williams, writer
Robert F. Worth, journalist and author
Molly Worthen, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Matthew Yglesias
Emily Yoffe, journalist
Cathy Young, journalist
Fareed Zakaria
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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/30/20

We’re still doin this, huh?

#LIBERATENONESSENTIALEXTREMELYLOWWAGEWORKERS

#BUSINESS

Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Mishustin has contracted coronavirus. Russian President Vladimir Putin said Mishustin has been relieved of his duties effective immediately and will be replaced by a lifelike ficus.

The state of Utah has begun offering masks to any residents who request them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called the decision “long overdue” and “necessary for the annihilation of temptation.”

Speaking of temptation: Anna from Development!

A vaccine developed by the University of Oxford has proven effective at inoculating rhesus monkeys against coronavirus. Radio host Rush Limbaugh addressed the news on his show Tuesday, saying, “Monkeys?! They made a vaccine for monkeys?! This is what’s wrong with the ivory tower liberal elites, they take YOUR money and use it on a vaccine for MONKEYS.”

The Pentagon this week released three previously classified videos featuring UFOs. Officials called the decision “necessary” in order to show people “how dangerous it is to go outside.”

No, Jerry, nobody has “checked on” Edward Snowden.

In a Fox News appearance last month, Donald Trump asserted that, if voting access were expanded in America, “you’d never have a Republican elected in this country again.” He then added, “See, the landowners – very fine people, real estate people – and their slaves, who they vote for by the way, really, I mean, really they’re voting with their slaves in mind… did I say slaves? I meant black- not just black, I meant every, I mean, every group, the people who have to work, you know, who have to work or they don’t eat, which is a lot of very fine people, my people, the best people, the “deplorables,” did you see Hillary Clinton the other day? I mean the woman is crazy, just crazy, and nobody voted for her… except dead people, really, truly dead, beautifully dead, voter fraud and voting and- some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education – like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as and – I believe that they should- our education over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

A new study shows that Fox News host Sean Hannity may have played a significant role in spreading coronavirus. The same study determined that Hannity’s actions were the most responsible of his career.

My sincere apologies for the typo in my last mass email. “Furloughed” was supposed to read “fired.” Stupid autocorrect!

A Colorado man recently won two $1 million Powerball jackpots in one day after playing the same numbers for 30 years. “I never thought this day would come,” the man, known only as “Joe B” said. “It feels good to finally break even.”

In the hours following a press conference in which Donald Trump suggested that injecting disinfectants could help treat coronavirus, there was a notable increase in calls to New York City’s Poison Control Center. One such call was from Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, who told an operator she was afraid she had “drunk the Kool-Aid.”

Isn’t this what the robots are for?

Or the Mexicans?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 10/14/16

Loyal minions, oh so much has happened since our last correspondence.  Tapes were leaked, pussies were grabbed, and America finally came to terms with the fact that it is an unrepentantly sexist gloryhole that can only be reborn in fire.

I’ll light the first match!  BUSINESS.

British insurance company More Than has commissioned artist Dominic Wilcox to create the first-ever contemporary art exhibition for dogs.  The installation has caused much consternation in the British academy, as many critics have deemed it, dismissively, “pup art.”

Last month, Russian hackers infiltrated the World Anti-Doping Agency database and published medical records for Olympic athletes such as Simone Biles and Venus and Serena Williams.  After the WADA attack and a similar one on the Democratic National Committee, the only thing Russian hackers still haven’t been able to get into is a vagina.

Let’s all welcome Anna from HR back from her long, productive stint in rehab!  Sometimes to truly understand the rules, you have to break them repeatedly.

Reddit users have discovered that Internet sensation Ken Bone, who gained fame for asking a question about energy policy at the second presidential debate, admitted on the site to committing insurance fraud and believing the shooting of Trayvon Martin was justified.  User Rand0mzz281 expressed frustration with Bone on the subreddit r/SexWithDeadDogs, stating “Yo, this dude is sic.”  He later added, “dat sweater doe.”

The most expensive flight in the world is now Etihad Airlines first-class trip from New York City to Mumbai, India, checking in at $38,000 one-way.  Of course, the fare is only available to Kshatriyas and above.

Jerry, it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again.

For the first time in recorded history, atmospheric carbon levels have reached 400 parts per million at their annual minimum, a measurement that some scientists are calling the planet’s “point of no return.”  Director Michael Bay has already optioned a film with that title, starring Scarlett Johansson as sexy scientist May Bescrewed and Vin Diesel as carbon.

On the heels of her husband’s recently leaked comments regarding women’s genitalia, Melania Trump wore a “pussy-bow” shirt to the second presidential debate.  The act represents the only moment of genuine self-awareness in the entire 2016 campaign.

Whatever you do, don’t read this!  Or this!

Russian state television cut a recent weather report during which it referenced a possible nuclear attack on America.  “We’re very sorry,” a network executive said in a statement, “for tipping our hand.”

A new study suggests that human beings may only be able to live to 115 years old.  This comes as a relief to many millennials, who can now target 2035 as the year they no longer have to hear about “The Greatest Generation.”

Smell that?

That’s Bill Cosby.  He was the first to go.

-The Chairman

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