Internal Memo for Tuesday, 12/2/14

It’s #givingtuesday!  Do you know what that means?  Neither do I!  Business!

American Joey Chestnut won a turkey-eating contest in Connecticut over the Thanksgiving holiday, eating an entire 20-pound bird.  He received $5,000 for the feat, which will be put towards a new pyloric sphincter.

West Virginia has elected America’s youngest state legislator, 18-year-old Saira Blair, a freshman at West Virginia University.  “She seems like a fine choice,” said voter Wilhelmina Pauling, 87.  “To be honest… there aren’t many people left in this state.”

Let’s all take a second to acknowledge Anna from PR, who successfully orchestrated a military coup in Burkina Faso!  And she still made it back in time to carve the turkey… bravo!

According to recent reports, a Hungarian researcher noticed a lost work of art while watching the 1999 children’s movie Stuart Little.  The masterpiece, seen on the movie’s living room set at various points, is titled Jonathan Lipnicki’s face.

Attorney General Eric Holder forgave protesters who interrupted his recent speech with chants about Ferguson, Missouri, telling them “I ain’t mad at cha.”  He then added, “See what I did there?  Tupac was killed by a gun.  Get it?  Don’t worry, I’ll see myself out.”

And you call yourself a journalist… Jerry, you should be ashamed.

The FBI has warned the US military of impending attacks by ISIS.  In a series of leaked memos, the FBI also warned against “the possible rise of fascism in Weimar Germany” and “Soviet aggression in the sovereign state of Vietnam.”

“Cyber Monday” deals extended to the so-called “Dark Web” this year, with criminals offering discounts on everything from narcotics to stolen credit card information.  “Yup, just come on down to Bill’s Discount Assault Weapons, located in the abandoned water tower off State Highway 3 in Watonga, Oklahoma to claim your deal!” wrote one merchant, known only as “Sid.”  He later added, “Shit.”

A Florida man claims he shot his mother full of arrows because she “gave [his] father cancer.”  Florida and Nevada remain the only states in the US where it is legal to marry a cigarette.

It’s deer hunting season on the company campus!  But please… don’t shoot the interns.  We don’t need a repeat of last year.

The combined cost of all the items in the holiday carol “The 12 Days of Christmas” has risen an estimated 1% from last year.  Experts attribute the rise to an uptick in the price of cocaine, which is necessary to keep the pipers piping and the lords a-leaping.

The NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been accused of holding stadium employees in “indentured servitude.”  “Look at it this way,” explained Commissioner Roger Goodell in a recent press conference, “they sell fans hot dogs and, in exchange, we don’t punch them in elevators or drive drunk with them in the car.  It’s a win-win.”

It’s getting dark early these days!  Stock up on vitamin D… before it’s too late.

-The Chairma

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Internal Memo for 6/4/14

Good Evening,

You didn’t think I’d let a single day go by this week without a memo, did you?  Oh, you did?  You’re fired!  Business!

A US man has been diagnosed with Middle East Respiratory Syndrome, or MERS.  The virus has killed 282 people in Saudi Arabia since 2012, making it the deadliest thing to come out of the region since religion.

A South Carolina woman was arrested Saturday for stealing a bible from a Wal-Mart.  “What?” Said Frances Thomas, 33, “I just had to see how it ends!”

Don’t forget to check out Anna the intern on the season premiere of Suits– next Wednesday at 9/8c on USA!  Characters are welcome in this office!

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre.  To mark the occasion, China is planning another.

Scientists have named an ancient giant crocodile after JRR Tolkien’s mythical beast, the Balrog.  Nerds.

Jerry, there is no such thing as “casual Wednesday.”
 
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling has agreed to drop his lawsuit against the NBA and sell the team to former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer.  “He’s not black, right?”  Sterling said in a statement.  “Then yeah whatever fine.”

A Japanese woman is seeking a divorce from her husband because he doesn’t like the movie Frozen.  “She asked me if I wanted to build a snowman,” said the husband, who prefers to remain anonymous, “next thing I know, my clothes are on the street.”

If you are the owner of a 1984 light purple Datsun automobile, your lights are on.  Also, please move it immediately- you are devaluing the image of the company.

Alaska officials suspect that a low-level eruption at the state’s Pavlof volcano may be intensifying, following reports of ash plumes over 22,000 feet high.  “Somebody rang the bell,” said park ranger Dean Jacobs at a press conference, “WHO RANG THE DAMN BELL?”
 
In the logo for Super Bowl 50, the NFL is replacing the Roman numeral “L” with the number “50.”  “It’s already called the ‘Super Bowl,’” said Commissioner Roger Goodell in a statement, “the last thing we need is another weed reference.”

Well… that’s one more hump day on our march towards the grave!

-The Chairman

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