Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/11/20

Ooh, my little pretty one, 
My pretty one
When you gonna give me some time, corona
Ooh, you make my motor run,
My motor run
Got it coming offa the line, corona

Never gonna stop
Give it up
Such a dirty mind
Always get it up
For the touch
Of the younger kind
My my my my my WOO

M-m-m-myyyy corona
M-m-m-myyyy corona

Am I the only one who can’t get that classic (and prescient) 70s anthem out of my head? It even mentions touch! I don’t know about you, but I’ve been missing our usual officewide hugs and gooses most of all. But don’t worry, several of my highly paid friends in the medical profession assure me that the weak will be culled soon enough and we can get back to what we do best…

Business.

Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases Dr. Anthony Fauci told lawmakers Wednesday that the NBA should consider playing its games without fans due to coronavirus concerns. “We’re merely suggesting that the NBA’s fans take a cue from its players,” Fauci said, “and take a lot of games off.”

In a related story, the Ivy League has canceled its conference basketball tournament in the interest of public health. Many fans of the league have expressed excitement to have discovered a new way to feel superior to everybody else.

Anna from Maintenance, I’ll need you to start disinfecting my office hourly. Because of the virus and… yeah, because of the virus.

The Exorcist star Max von Sydow has died. Maybe.

A biotech firm in London is seeking 24 volunteers to be injected with coronavirus for over $4,500 each. The volunteers will then be placed together in a 14-day quarantine where they will be filmed for the new ITV series Love Island: Coronavirus.

Jerry, do not distribute any more of your “hand sanitizer.”

A female Komodo dragon in a Tennessee zoo has given birth to three hatchlings without a male partner. Twelve other Komodo dragons have since begun work on a 66-book collection centering on the virgin birth that they expect to last well over 2,000 years and inform the most personal and consequential decisions of countless other Komodo dragons around the world.

In further Tennessee news, a 94-year-old ex-Nazi concentration camp guard living in the state will be deported after the US government found evidence of his past on a sunken World War II ship. Since arriving in the United States the man, Friedrich Karl Berger, has reportedly been living quietly in the Memphis area posting pro-Donald Trump memes on Facebook.

Do you find yourself touching your face a lot at work? Well don’t, ya perv!

In response to the coronavirus outbreak in the country, China has banned sale and consumption of the endangered pangolin. Experts fear the ban may lead to China’s losing its identity as the world’s foremost originator of novel coronaviruses.

Nik Wallenda, who angered some by wearing a safety harness while traversing an active volcano by tightrope last week, has said that the extra safety precaution was added by broadcaster ABC. “We couldn’t have Nik fall flat on his face and then burst into flames,” ABC spokesperson Manfred Gonzalez wrote in a statement, “we have enough of that with our Thursday night lineup.”

Come a little closer, huh,
A-will ya, huh?
Close enough to look in my eyes, corona
Keeping it a mystery,
It gets to me
Running down the length of my thigh, corona

That is how it feels, apparently! Just like pneumonia running down your thigh!

The Knack, man.

The Knack.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 3/4/20

Greetings Pledged Delegates.

Apologies for the delay- I don’t know about you, but I am HUNGOVER from Super Tuesday. Frankly, I haven’t had that much coconut rum since the South Carolina primary. In case you were wondering, here’s a recap of our spending for the occasion:

$2,000,000 to the Biden campaign in the form of a 12.5% APR loan to be repaid in full and with decreased tariffs on our imports from China within two years of election.

$5 to the Gabbard campaign to satisfy federal workplace diversity requirements.

$1,000,000 to the Sanders campaign in the form of an in-kind donation of man hours to proactively engage or respond to anyone who has ever said anything negative about Bernie, or anything at all about politics, on Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Reddit, Marco Polo, TikTok, Macy’s.com, and in-person.

$10,0000,000 to the Warren campaign in the form of ad spending from the intentionally opaque Super PACs we set up last week to camoflauge her genuine respect for the American people and the rule of law and get that fucking anti-corporate changemaking bitch out of the race altogether.

$48,000/year for the past 12 years to the Bloomberg campaign for our two beautiful terminals.

Mission accomplished!

BUSINESS.

Scientists have discovered the first known organism that does not need oxygen to live. The parasite, dubbed “Ben Shapiro,” subsists only on the adoration of incels.

Rhode Island has reported its first confirmed case of coronavirus. It is also the nation’s smallest.

Anna from Marketing, have you been tested yet? Cause I have an in-home kit… 

Italy has announced it will close schools nationwide for the next 10 days in response to the country’s coronavirus outbreak. At the time of the announcement, schools in the south of the country had already been closed for five years due to “Why bother?”

James Lipton, longtime host of “Inside the Actors Studio,” has died. When asked on his deathbed what he would like Saint Peter to say to him when he reaches heaven, Lipton replied, “I’ll be asking the questions.”

Jerry, coronavirus is not spread by hijabs.

Businessman Michael Bloomberg has officially suspended his campaign for president. The former New York City Mayor spent over $500 million dollars on advertising during his brief run, $499 million of which went to American Samoa.

The past week also saw the departures of billionaire Tom Steyer, Mayor Pete Buttigieg, and Senator Amy Klobuchar from the presidential race. Buttigieg and Klobuchar have since endorsed former Vice President Joe Biden, while Steyer is considering buying a different public office.

I’ve been asked by a lot of people this week how the company will be handling the growing threat posed by coronavirus.

The NFL’s Los Angeles Chargers are reportedly considering a move to London, England amid financial troubles in their new home city. “It’s tough out here,” wide receiver Keenan Allen told Sports Illustrated Tuesday. “Nobody’s booked a gig in months and we’re really struggling.”

Pioneering hip-hop group Public Enemy has cut ties with hype man Flavor Flav after Flav took issue with the group’s endorsement of Bernie Sanders. Flav reportedly disagreed with the rest of the group over Bernie’s plan to place a moratorium on vertical integration of large agribusiness corporations, which Flav has called “YEAAAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEE.”

she’s out, right?

… right?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/20

Laissez les bons temps rouler, fellow revelers! Instead of my customary Mardi Gras dick pic, I’ve decided to send… a memo!

This should not preclude you replying with abundant, tasteful boudoir photos.

… except you, Jerry.

BUSINESS.

Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak died on Tuesday. Donald Trump tweeted his condolences to the nations of Egypt, Syria, and Guatemala, just in case.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down. “Some people around the office had started calling Bob ‘Star Wars,’” an anonymous source told Forbes of the move, “cause of diminishing returns.”

Anna from Biz Dev, can I get a mission critical leveraged synergy of your elevator pitch for the recapitalization of our core disruptors in your sector by EOD? Then let’s circle back at my place at 21:00 for FUCKING (Focused Unity-Conscious Knowledge Inception Notarized Granularly).

Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone has been sentenced to 40 months in prison. In granting Stone leniency, Judge Amy Berman Jackson cited the fact that he is already serving the life sentence of being Roger Stone.

Tennis great Maria Sharapova, winner of five Grand Slam titles, is retiring. When asked about the news, Serena Williams replied, “Who?”

Jerry, I mean it.

Business website Glassdoor has named Raleigh, North Carolina the best place to find a job in 2020. Washington, D.C. was named the worst.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped over 2,000 points in the past week amid fears of further coronavirus outbreaks around the world. As a result, Mike Bloomberg has been forced to pull two 15-second TV ads from the Pullman, Washington market.

If you are the owner of a White Nissan Leaf, license plate REW-472, your car has been impounded. There will be none of that weak electric shit in my parking lot.

Michelle Janavs, heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune, was sentenced to five months in prison for her involvement in the college admissions scandal dubbed “Operation Varsity Blues.” Prosecutors had previously recommended that she stay in a little longer, or her middle would still be cold.

In his annual Ash Wednesday address, Pope Francis urged his followers to disconnect from their televisions and phones and give up insulting one another for Lent. “It’s not as if I’m asking you to give up something essential,” the Pope said to an assembly in Vatican City, “like molesting children.”

In lieu of my customary Ash Wednesday ass pic… I haven’t decided what to send yet. Check your inboxes later!

(Your physical inboxes. Just because I haven’t decided doesn’t mean it won’t be EXTREMELY large and EXTRAORDINARILY tactile.)

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/19/20

Thaaaaaaat’s riiiiiiiiight: I’m BACK, BABAY. Fresh off my extended quarantine on the Diamond Princess, I’m here to bring you all up to speed on the myriad happenings of the past couple of months. After a battery of tests, I can officially say that I am now virus-free, though there’s a high probability I infected several hundred persons with whom I came into contact while contagious. The global economy, am I right? Can’t beat it.

But seriously: I’d like to honor the brave men and women lost in our Wuhan office due to massive layoffs. This is another reminder that working from home is never a viable option, and threatens to erode company culture and office morale if practiced for even a day. Just say no (to remote work).

BUSINESS.

Division II Grand Valley State University has suspended the offensive coordinator of its football team after he told the campus newspaper he would like to have dinner with Hitler because, “the way he was able to lead was second-to-none.” Coach Berger has since issued a statement of apology reading, “I clearly meant to say second to our head football coach Mr. Matt Mitchell.”

Ben & Jerry’s has released three new flavors of non-dairy ice cream made with sunflower butter. The company says the flavors are designed for those with “severe taste allergies.”

Anna, I can’t wait to be in you tomorrow!

Since my last missive to you all, Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang have dropped out of the presidential race. Many Democrats are left wondering which of the remaining candidates will advocate for important ideas like universal basic income and cupping.

Greece is threatening to demand the repatriation of the Elgin Marbles from England as part of Brexit negotiations. British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said he is open to the idea, “as long as they take the Poles, too.” 

Jerry, you did not star in Parasite.

Among Donald Trump’s recent controversial pardons and commutations was that of Rudy Giuliani’s former bodyguard (and former NYPD commissioner) Bernard Kerik. “Bernie’s a great man,” Trump told reporters Tuesday, “and I couldn’t pardon Rudy yet.”

Right-wing calls for a second Civil War revolving around the term “boogaloo” are gaining traction on some online platforms. Many self-identified members of the “movement” say they’re happy to have online friends.

In honor of the Democratic debate tonight, there’s free candy in Conference Room C! It’s free, but it’ll slowly kill you- just like universal healthcare!

A French amateur soccer player has been banned from competition for five years after biting an opponent’s penis. The victim has said that he blames himself, and that he wishes he’d regarded his opponent’s postgame offer of fellatio with “more suspicion.”

Burger King is announcing the removal of artificial preservatives from its hamburgers with a new ad campaign showing a Whopper growing mold over the course of 34 days. In response, Wendy’s has released an ad based on their longtime slogan “fresh, never frozen” that depicts two cows fucking.

WU-HAN! Got you all in check.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 10/11/19

Sorry for the delay, plebeians- fighting a subpoena.

OK… a few subpoenas.

BUSINESS. 

Sources say Elizabeth Warren is discussing former Florida gubernatorial candidate Andrew Gillum as a potential 2020 running mate. Upon hearing of Warren’s strategy, Beto O’Rourke sent Warren an email marked “URGENT” reading, “But I lost, too!”

A pitcher in the San Diego Padres farm system has been arrested and charged with criminal trespassing after breaking into a stranger’s home through a doggie door. Major League Baseball has since come to Jacob James Nix’s defense, citing its current slogan, “Let the kids play.”

Anna from Litigation, are you ready for your blind date tonight? I’ll be the one with the red rose and no pants.

A new study shows that, for the first time in US history, the nation’s 400 richest families paid a lower effective tax rate than the bottom 50% of households. “I’m fine with it,” 52-year-old Thomas Manley, currently homeless, said of the findings, “because that’ll be me someday.”

Alexei Leonov, who as a Russian cosmonaut in 1965 became the first man to walk in space, has died at the age of 85. Authorities are still trying to determine the type of nerve agent used.

Jerry, nobody calls you “The Irish Backstop.”

Turkey has moved its military into northern Syria just days after Donald Trump withdrew American forces from the region. Despite bipartisan uproar, Trump is expected to pardon the country around Thanksgiving.

The largest power outage in California’s history has plunged millions around the state into darkness. Donald Trump has blamed the incident on California’s “billions of homeless, chewing through the wires with their pointy little teeth.”

If you’ve been feeling worn out lately, you might be a candidate for our first-of-its-kind sleep study! We’re partnering with The Mayo Clinic to give 57 lucky volunteers the opportunity to work for 31 days straight without sleeping to see how it affects productivity. Grab some coffee and sign up today!

According to a new study in the International Journal of Environmental Research, the effects of cooking meth in a home can be felt for years afterwards. The news has led to a massive spike in home values in Opa-locka, Florida.

The Washington Mystics were crowned WNBA champions Thursday night after defeating the Connecticut Sun in Game 5 of the Finals. The game drew the league’s highest-ever international rating, thanks in large part to a tweet by Mystics star Elena Delle Donne before the game that read “HONG KONG PROTESTORS ARE SCUM, CHINA WILL ROOT THEM OUT AND HANG THEM BY THEIR ENTRAILS #standwithChina #killthemall.”

You want me to show up in COURT?

At least take me out to dinner first.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/2/19

Hello Long Lost Lovers,

It is I, Rip Van Chairman, awakening once again from my long slumber! During my time away I was able to free myself of any and all associations with Jeffrey Epstein (including flight logs) while maintaining my place in his will! Don’t worry, as with the proceeds from the recent changes to the tax code, I will be reinvesting the money I’ll soon be receiving from his tax-free trust in the Virgin Islands into workforce development. Yeah, “workforce development.” And guess what? I’m the workforce!

BUSINESS.

The Trump administration has announced that the children of some service members serving overseas will no longer receive automatic citizenship. “Each and every able bodied adult serving the United States of America both at home and abroad is a true hero,” White House adviser Stephen Miller said of the policy change, “and their kids haven’t done shit.”

Despite protests from the NCAA, California has become the first state to allow college athletes to profit from their names and likenesses. Several members of the USC women’s soccer team have since signed an endorsement deal with William Singer’s Edge College and Career Network, Inc.

Anna from Reception, I wanna light you up like a switchboard.

New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand has officially dropped out of the 2020 presidential race. She has demanded that Al Franken do the same.

Another New York politician, Mayor Bill de Blasio, has also dropped out of the race. “It just goes to show you,” de Blasio said in a somber press conference, “Americans will never vote for someone in the least bit associated with New York City.”

Jerry, please stop appearing on talk shows as “Rudy Giuliani.”

England’s Supreme Court last month ruled that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s suspension of Parliament over Brexit negotiations was unlawful. The court also called the ruling “most unpleasant,” writing that it “went down like a stiff cup of overbrewed PG Tips with no milk, completely boffing the crown roast at dear old Blighty’s stag do dinner.”

The first same-sex proposal in the history of ABC’s “Bachelor” franchise occurred last month when Demi Burnett proposed to girlfriend Kristian Haggerty. The engagement episode is being hailed as “the white trash Ellen.”

Need a little privacy? Head to the bathroom! Our transition to an open plan office is complete! 

Saturday Night Live recently fired new cast member Shane Gillis after clips of him using racist, sexist, and homophobic language just last year resurfaced. “My only regret,” series creator Lorne Michaels said of Gillis’ firing, “was that we didn’t hire him in the 90s.”

An international tribunal has determined that China may be harvesting organs from political prisoners and detainees from marginalized groups to sell on the black market. In response to the news, Alibaba has shut down its “Muslim organs” section.

Oh no, we’ve never had a controlling interest in Purdue Pharma.

At least not since last week.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/21/19

Good Day Danish Prime Ministers,

I, too, would like to buy Greenland.

BUSINESS.

Representative Steve King of Iowa wondered aloud last week at a breakfast meeting at the Westside Conservative Club whether there would “be any population left” without rape and incest. King later clarified that by “population” he meant “Game of Thrones.”

A Texas brewery is in hot water after naming a beer “Bikini Atoll” after the US nuclear testing site devastated by radiation in the 1940s and 50s. The brewery has said it is actually paying homage to the islands by using radioactive yeast.

Anna from Legal, that outfit should be ILLEGAL.

The newest James Bond film, slated for release in 2020, is titled “No Time to Die.” In a controversial leaked scene, the secret agent fucks an Audemars Piguet.

On his podcast “Hotboxin with Mike Tyson,” the former heavyweight champ said he smokes $40,000 worth of marijuana every month. Experts worry that the habit may lead to the death and consumption of some 10,000 children.

Jerry, I am not a “public charge.”

Former Major Leaguer Roger Clemens has dismissed rumors that he may run for Congress in Texas as a Republican. “I understand the confusion, but I am not a politician,” Clemens told reporters recently, “just a douchebag.”

In a new paper published in Science, three scientists propose massive reforestation around the globe as a solution for climate change. The proposal is expected to be adopted by the governments of Monaco, Vatican City, and Sealand.

You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about, you sign a comprehensive liability waiver if you work in the warehouse, that’s what it’s all about!

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has clarified that its rules prohibit vaping and the consumption of green tea. The church considers both to be “gateway drugs” to realizing a religion founded by a failed supernaturalist con man from Vermont less than 200 years ago is bullshit.

Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov has agreed to sell the Brooklyn Nets to Joseph Tsai, co-founder of Chinese e-commerce giant Alibaba. Power forward Rodions Kurucs, who averaged just 8.5 points per game last season, has since been listed on Alibaba for $30 plus shipping.



OK, OK, OK… $4,000.





IT’S JUST ICE.






Well… it used to be.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/14/19

Hello Summertime Sadlets,

I, The Chairman, am BACK after a much-needed 2-week vacation. After all, writing the memo isn’t all I do for this company- I also schedule it, send it out, admonish you for not reading it, and, of course, PROFIT.

I had a lot on my mind during my little “summer” “break”: unnecessary protests in Hong Kong, unnecessary deaths in America, unnecessary remakes of Home Alone… but what consumed my consciousness more than anything else was Dustin Diamond. Yeah, Screech. Does he still work here? I hired him a while back to do some sexual harassment training videos for our Thailand office and I heard he was still hanging around? Are we paying him or what? Don’t get me wrong, I like a celebrity boxer as much as the next guy, but if we can no longer write off his per diems as a compliance expense he’s gotta go.

Dustin, if you’re reading this, thank you for your service. Now GTFO.

BUSINESS.

An asteroid large enough to destroy a city came within 44,000 miles of Earth last month. NASA has released a statement promising they will redirect the next one to Washington, DC.

A new study links anticholinergics, a widely-used class of drugs, to a much higher risk of dementia. The study’s publishers have admitted their findings may be unreliable, as many subjects kept forgetting to take their pills.

Anna from Maintenance, I had no idea you were a Juggalo! Wasn’t that sex tent great?

A jury has ruled that singer Katy Perry’s 2013 hit “Dark Horse” copied parts of a 2009 Christian rap song called “Joyful Noise.” The jury ruled that the former song’s lyrics were eerily similar to the original, “So you wanna play with Jesus, boy you should know what you’re fighting for, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jeeesssssuuuus, Jesus you’re a dark horse.”
 
An Iranian cargo ship sank off the Azerbaijani coast late last month. The vessel was reportedly carrying a shipment of tiles that the Iranian government has called “weapons-grade.”

Jerry, we all know you do CrossFit.

A proposed merger between T-Mobile and Sprint has been given the go-ahead by the United States Justice Department. Should the deal finally be consummated, it would mark the first successful connection for either company.

Singer Wayne Newton is being sued after a monkey bit a girl who was visiting his Las Vegas home in 2017. Newton is said to be “surprised and grateful” that the suit was not related to sexual assault.

Have you ever dreamed of owning your own home? Well, now you can with our company-sponsored friends and family mortgages! They have a low introductory rate of .0001% APR for the first year, and only 50% every year thereafter! Inquire with HR today!

Amsterdam is planning to ban all fossil fuel-powered cars from the city by 2030. “There’s really no need for them,” Mayor Femke Halsema said on Tuesday, “you can go just as fast cycling on mushrooms.”

Kim Kardashian has trademarked the name “Kimono” for her new shapewear line. The act has angered many of her Japanese fans, who wish she would make another sex tape where she fucks an octopus.

UPDATE: If you do come into contact with Dustin at any point, exercise extreme caution. He may be armed.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/24/19

Members of the House Judiciary Committee,

It is I, Roberto Muellero! Yo soy Robert Mueller’s evil twin, sent here to deceive you with unsatisfying answers to your carefully thought out questions! I am evil because I am IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY. And you will never catch me, not until I get FREE HEALTHCARE. Oh, and I have 12-15 ANCHOR BABIES. Es perfecto!

Buisenesso!

An Iowa state official was forced to resign last week after emailing Tupac quotes to his colleagues. The man’s colleagues are white.

The Pentagon accidentally revealed that it has been conducting a secret mission in and around Washington, D.C. In acknowledging the mission’s existence, the Department of Defense said it had already fulfilled its primary objective of wasting millions of taxpayer dollars.

Anna from HR, thank you for curating our outdoor summer film series! Debbie Does Dallas was QUITE the opener.

Mike Pence’s daughter Charlotte is engaged. The vice president is said to be “relieved” that her fiancé’s conversion therapy worked.

Great Britain says three Iranian ships tried to block a British oil tanker as it navigated the Straits of Hormuz last month. Iran has vehemently denied the report, saying all of its ships have been in port being fitted with nuclear weapons.

Jerry, you did not color correct Alita: Battle Angel.

The United States government has fined Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations. The company responded by recommending several other entities for the government to fine, making a short video montage commemorating the decision, and determining FTC Commissioner Rohit Chopra is a Slytherin.

France is instituting an 18€ tax on plane flights emanating from the country and plans to use the proceeds to fund green transportation initiatives. Many of the country’s citizens are worried about the levy’s effect on tourism, in that it may not do enough to prevent it. 

I’d like to take a moment to recognize our Tokyo office. Is that… no, it can’t be. Is it? Wait a second… yup, that’s it!

A chess grandmaster has admitted to cheating by using his phone in the toilet during a recent match. “I never could have anticipated that I would be caught,” 58-year-old Igors Rausis said after the incident, “but then I remembered everyone who plays chess at this level is a pervert.”

Legendary computer scientist Alan Turing will soon appear on the British 50 pound note. The Bank of England is encouraging people to use the bill for everything except government-mandated sterilization of gay people.

Ha, you fools! It was I, Robert Mueller, all along! I have no evil twin (unless you count Ken Starr), just an unwavering desire to be seen as above the political fray, even if it undermines the credibility of myself and my team! And I will be victorious! LOOK ON MY WORKS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR.






These preguntas are loco.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/17/19

The memo: one small step for man, one giant leap… for business.

Fifty years ago this Saturday, man first set foot on the moon. The richest 1% of Americans’ share of the national income has more than doubled in the years since, leading many never to learn what the moon is.

German defense minister Ursula von der Leyden has been confirmed as the first female president of the European Commission. Donald Trump responded to the news by masturbating.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounting, on paying off your student loans! And Happy Birthday! The big 7-0.

New research shows that a paste made of bananas, chickpeas, soy, peanuts, and several oils and micronutrients can help to reestablish a healthy microbiome in malnourished children. In children with severe peanut allergies, the effects are short-lived.

A federal judge has ruled that rapper Ja Rule did not commit fraud relating to his participation in 2017’s infamous Fyre Festival. Mr. Rule responded to the verdict by removing his shirt in the courtroom and asking the judge “WHERE WOULD I BE WITHOUT MY BABAY?”

Jerry, I was born here.

Retired Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens has died at the age of 99. While serving on the court, Stevens was known for his flamboyant bowties and for never guessing how far it would fall.

Actress Lashana Lynch will reportedly portray the first ever black, female 007 in the next James Bond film. Bond’s famous nemesis Jaws will reportedly appear in the film as well, played by institutional racism.

It’s World Emoji Day! Reminder: eggplants are sexual harassment.

Wolf of Wall Street producer Joey McFarland has agreed to return $14 million worth of cash and gifts tied to a money laundering scandal involving the Malaysian government’s strategic development fund. He is expected to recoup the money in a sequel to the film starring Leonardo DiCaprio as himself and Scarlett Johansson as the Malaysian Prime Minister.

A Brazilian woman this week threw a priest to the ground during his sermon after he said, “fat women don’t go to heaven.” The woman said she was just trying to get some exercise.

Houston, we have a problem.

And it is the ubiquitous threat of unionization.

-The Chairman

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