Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/6/19

Good afternoon, Ridiculous Partisan Investigators! How can you help destroy our democracy today?

My preferred method… is BUSINESS.

During a recent Twitter exchange with rapper Nicki Minaj, conservative pundit Tomi Lahren, who has previously used the platform to feud with rapper Cardi B, claimed that her ancestors “discovered America.” “To clarify,” Lahren later tweeted, “I am descended from smallpox.”

Japan has started a program to give away abandoned houses for free. After new residents move in, they have seven days.

Anna from Accounting, are you Imagine Dragons? Cause I try really hard not to think about you but you keep getting stuck in my head 😉

ICE agents arrested rapper 21 Savage last Sunday, claiming that he is a British citizen living in America illegally. Many in the national media believe the arrest was politically motivated, as one of the agents was heard shouting “This for real hip-hop!” before tackling Savage to the ground.

In further ICE news, the agency has been operating a fake university in Michigan as a means of entrapping undocumented immigrants. Students reportedly became suspicious when the school lowered its prices to $30,000 a semester.

Jerry, you are not “the straight Sam Smith.”

Academy Award-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence is engaged to boyfriend of 6 months Cooke Maroney. She is expected to adorably stumble down the aisle sometime next year.

US intelligence officials recently told Time Magazine that, during a briefing on South Asia, Donald Trump asserted that the independent nation of Nepal and the independent kingdom of Bhutan were parts of India. “Honestly, it was a step in the right direction,” one senior official said. “He used to think they were parts of a woman’s body.”

How did you celebrate Monday’s National Poop Day? I couldn’t 😟.

The US Postal Service suspended deliveries in six states last week as brutal cold gripped parts of the Midwest. In response to the announcement, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh issued a statement reading, “Their drivers should have delivered because, according to the Constitution, if they had frozen to death USPS wouldn’t have been liable.”

Virginia Attorney General Mark Herring on Wednesday joined Governor Ralph Northam in becoming the second high-ranking state official to admit to wearing blackface in college. “I’m definitely not racist- I have a lot of black friends,” Herring told reporters after revealing the incident. “Actually, some of them could be white… I only knew them in college.”

The state of our union* is strong.

*my dick

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/30/19

Hello, fellow rightful leaders of Venezuela! It’s like a real-life Game of Thrones, but with less sex and food.

Business!

Embattled Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro last week gave American diplomats 72 hours to leave the country after Donald Trump recognized opposition leader Juan Guaido as Venezuela’s lawful president. The Trump administration responded with a statement reading, “What’s a diplomat?”

In response to the high price of Super Bowl commercials, Mars, Inc. will stage a fully realized, 30-minute Broadway musical about Skittles starring Michael C. Hall on Sunday, February 3rdNew York Times theater critic Ben Brantley has hailed the show as “the perfect marriage of Hamilton and Yellow No. 5.”

Anna from HR, shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Yes, in that you’re both hot!

A new report in the Irish Medical Journal details how a Dublin man attempted to cure his chronic back pain by injecting himself with his own semen every month for 18 months. When asked how he produced so much semen, he replied, “Why do you think I have a bad back?”

Officials in parts of the American Midwest where wind chill temperatures reached -60 degrees this week have warned of the potential for almost instant frostbite upon going outside. As a response, Donald Trump has ordered National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you are not seeking the Democratic nomination for president.

The White House has announced that a second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un will occur in February. Trump has said now is a good time to reach out to adversaries like Kim, because “relations with all our allies are going so well.”

Billionaire hedge fund manager Ken Griffin has bought a penthouse apartment in New York City for $238 million, the most ever paid for an American home. Just 7 years ago, Griffin told the Chicago Tribune “I think there are a lot of things about ’08 that are worth discussing. Every time there’s been a bubble in asset prices, people get hurt. I think it’s very unfortunate that as a culture we were so encouraged by both the past stability of home prices and a litany of government programs to buy homes, to view them as a safe place to put a significant amount of our net worth, so that as a society we pushed home prices way above where they should have been. When that bubble burst, a lot of people got hurt.”

This Sunday, come watch the Super Bowl in Conference Room XX! When Alex Guerrero wins, we all win.

Parts of Rent, Jonathan Larson’s seminal 1996 musical that was performed live (sort of) last Sunday on FOX, may have been plagiarized from a 1990 novel by lesbian writer Sarah Schulman called “People in Trouble.” If true, it would mark the only known instance of appropriation of any aspect of gay culture by any straight person ever.

Singer Ariana Grande recently tried to get a tattoo of the Japanese characters representing the name of her new song “7 Rings,” but instead got a tattoo of characters meaning “barbeque grill.” Grande has since defended her decision by saying, “To be fair, I didn’t know what I was getting with Pete, either.”

Venezuela should just build a wall. THEY WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/23/19

Good day, fellow protestors! Remember, you’re either the kid (good) or the toothless voodoo shaman (evil). There is no in between.

BUSINESS.

Vice President Mike Pence‘s wife Karen (Mother) is returning to teaching at a Christian school where she previously spent 12 years, one that has banned openly gay students, parents, and teachers. Ironically, Mrs. Pence will be teaching art.

Elsewhere in institutional homophobia, actor Chris Pratt, who recently became engaged to girlfriend Katherine Schwarzenegger two years after divorcing fellow actor Anna Faris, reportedly attends a church with a history of child molestation and gay conversion therapy. When asked for comment, Pratt insisted he was actually Chris Evans.

Anna from Travel, thanks for booking me into that sexy little chalet in Davos! Where’s your ticket 😉?

Singer Chris Brown has been arrested in Paris on charges of rape. “What’s the big deal?” Brown has since said in a statement, “I’ve done worse.”

The IRS has given hundreds of employees permission to skip work during the extended government shutdown. Experts have praised the IRS for extending such a courtesy, which they liken to the permission the bureau has long given the superrich to skip paying taxes.

Jerry, it was pass interference.

In response to Democratic Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s plan to raise the marginal tax rate on assets over $10 million to 70%, Fox News host Sean Hannity has warned that such a measure would stop rich people from remodeling their homes. “And when rich people stop remodeling their homes, who gets hurt?” Hannity told listeners to his radio show, “That’s right: rich people! She’s so young and dumb.”

Novelist MacKenzie Bezos, currently in the process of divorcing Amazon CEO and founder Jeff Bezos in the wake of the latter’s affair with news anchor Lauren Sanchez, stands to get up to half of her husband’s wealth, or $69 billion. Such a windfall would make her the richest woman in the world, and the 78th-richest country.

Did you know National Handwriting Day (today, January 23rdwas established by the Writing Instrument Manufacturers Association in 1977? And that “their motive is to promote the consumption of pens, pencils and writing paper”? I like their style.

Various videos and accounts of the now-famous standoff between boys from a Catholic prep school in Kentucky and a Native American elder last week continue to emerge, sparking fierce debate about the nature of the interaction in which no physical contact was made by either side. When asked for comment on the student protestors’ actions, Covington Catholic’s principal Bob Rowe said, “Both the school’s and the church’s views on this are pretty clear: the students, like many great Catholic explorers before them, could have gone further with the natives.”

In other Covington Catholic news, the school’s openly gay valedictorian was barred from speaking at graduation last spring because his speech was “inconsistent with the teaching of the Catholic Church.” The speech reportedly contained such statements as, “Love thy neighbor, no matter whom he loves,” and, “Nobody should molest children.”

Which would you rather fight for: the right to life or the right to drum?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/16/19

Hello commercial detritus!

Mark your calendars: this Monday is Martin Luther King Day! Amidst all this talk of “civil rights,” let’s not forget what the man did best: fuck.

BUSINESS.

Brothel owner Dennis Hof, a Republican accused of sexual assault by multiple women, recently won a spot on the Nevada state assembly despite having died in October. Hof becomes the second-ever posthumously elected politician in Nevada’s history, behind current governor Elvis Presley.

Netflix is raising its prices in the US. The move is said to be part of the “Bird Box challenge,” where a person or company exhibits willful blindness.

Congratulations to Anna from Corp Dev on completing her EMS training! I can confirm she’s already an expert in mouth-to-mouth.

The Turkish government is seeking an arrest warrant for New York Knicks center Enes Kanter, accusing him of membership in a terrorist organization. Several experts in international law have said the Knicks, at 10-33, qualify.

A judge has granted the families of children killed in the Sandy Hook massacre access to conspiracy theory network InfoWars’ financial documents as part of their suit against its founder, Alex Jones. Jones has refused to hand over any materials, saying, “Those documents, along with any evidence of the Holocaust, don’t exist.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “winter Tuesdays.”

An endangered Pacific bluefin tuna recently sold for $3 million at a Tokyo fish market. The high sale price is expected to bring about the species’ extinction by next year.

Indonesian national airline Garuda is experimenting with live music on some of its flights. The move is expected to set Garuda apart from Indonesian competitor Lion Air, which is experimenting with landing.

This Saturday, join us 7 AM in Conference Room G for the annual company Christmas tree lighting! We finally found the perfect one.

Scientists have discovered an ancient termite colony in Brazil that is as large as the United Kingdom. The find represents the second UK-sized piece of land where inhabitants eat food that tastes like wood.

Italian Prime Minister Matteo Salvini has drafted a proposal to force what he calls “little ethnic shops” in the country to close at 9 PM. Salvini told reporters he made his decision after seeing a production of Italy’s newest hit musical, Little Ethnic Shop of Horrors.

I have a dream… and it is wet.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/31/18

Back from the dead… IT’S THE HALLOWEEN MEMO.

👻🎃🧟‍♀️

The pumpkins are carved, the children are costumed, and the candies are razorbladed, so LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

SPOOKY BUSINESS.

A new survey of millennials found that 57% would rather travel than have sex. 30% said they would rather have sex than travel, while 13% wrote that they “will work for food.”

The entirety of Lake Waitaki, an abandoned town in New Zealand, is for sale for $2.8 million. The remote town is being advertised as “the perfect location to hunt man for sport.”

And the winner of our 16th annual costume contest is… Anna from Maintenance! You ARE a slutty janitor!

British low-cost carrier EasyJet plans on introducing a fleet of battery-powered airplanes by 2030. Experts say EasyJet is the perfect airline to experiment with the high-risk aircraft, as many of its passengers “wouldn’t be missed.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has referred a plot to pay a woman to make false claims of sexual assault against him to the FBI for investigation. Mueller got out in front of the potential claims this week, saying that the only person he’s ever wanted to fuck is Donald Trump.

For the love of god, Jerry, at least lose the bone saw.

A Florida woman who says she is Jewish has received death threats after decorating her lawn with a Halloween display depicting skeletons in a concentration camp as a means of protesting her homeowners association. “I know my history,” Susan Lamerton told local reporters Tuesday, “and Hitler’s HOA eventually caved.”

In other Florida news, the state’s Commission on Ethics has found that the mayor of a town near West Palm Beach promised a constituent he would erect speed bumps in exchange for sex. “This is nothing,” Mayor David Stewart said in a deposition. “You should see the price for a stoplight.”

BOO! Our Q3 numbers are SCAAAAARRRYYYY!! And that’s not a good thing.

Senator Lindsey Graham has said he will introduce legislation aimed at banning birthright citizenship after Donald Trump suggested drafting an executive order with the same goal. “The only thing that should determine your citizenship is your race,” Graham said in a recent statement. “Whoops.”

British scientists have taught dogs to diagnose malaria in patients by smelling their socks. “This is a very exciting development,” professor Steve Lindsay of Durham University told reporters, “one that will greatly increase diagnosis rates in areas with access to quality footwear and specially-bred dogs with hours upon hours of vigorous training by highly-skilled professionals.”

This Halloween, let us remember the less fortunate: the dead.

-The Chairman

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