Internal Memo for Thursday, 5/16/19

Good afternoon defense contractors,

Apologies for the delay in sending this week’s memo- we were busy diversifying our portfolio in anticipation of the forthcoming hostilities. We’ve already made a major investment in what is sure to be the hottest commodity to come out of a full-blown US-Iran conflict: Argo 2!

Business!

Britney Spears’ manager says she may never return to her Las Vegas residency, or to any sort of performance. He has released a video urging the public to leave his client alone.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers made a cameo appearance in last Sunday’s installment of Game of Thrones. Fans were disappointed he didn’t audible out of the show’s script.

Anna from our Moldovan office, good luck in the Eurovision Semifinal tonight! I promise to “Stay” with you all night long 😉

The House Ways & Means Committee has issued subpoenas to Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and IRS Commissioner Charles Rettig, instructing them to hand over Donald Trump’s tax returns by this Friday at the latest. Mnuchin and Rettig say they have already delivered the documents to the committee in an inconspicuous can labeled “MIXED NUTS.”

The US State Department has ordered all nonemergency personnel out of Iraq. The move takes the number of diplomats in the country from zero to zero.

Jerry, you are not Andrew Yang’s running mate.

According to the Social Security Administration, 11 children named “Cersei” were born in the United States in 2017. There was also one named “Harry Strickland,” but he quickly died.

In related news, three people were shot dead with a crossbow this week in Passau, Germany. The city has closed all bathrooms until further notice.

Congratulations to everyone who performed in our companywide talent show last night! Jasmine from IT, I didn’t know you could fit that many knives into your left nostril! Way to use that coke habit.

Andrew Munday, a British accountant who stole over $3 million from singer Rita Ora and other high-profile clients, has been sentenced to six years in prison. Munday is said to be seeking extradition to the United States, where Goldman Sachs has offered him the position of CFO.

The price of a single Bitcoin has climbed back up over $7,000, its highest mark this year. Experts predict it will reach $1 trillion by August.

Really looking forward to Gone with the Wind 2. That sequel is WAY overdue.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 2/22/16

At ease, loyal serfs.

It has come to my attention that we’ve hired some new blood here at the company, and I for one would like to say: washaatke!  For the uninitiated, that’s “welcome” in Balochi, a language spoken only in a small and very secretive province of Iran.  Many of our new hires hail from this region, as they will work for cheap and have expertise in one increasingly important area: weaponizing nuclear materials.  Business!

English scientists have developed a new technique that allows massive amounts of data to be stored in small quartz discs for up to 14 billion years.  “We’re humbled, really,” said lead researcher Donald Fezziwick, “that we’ve finally been able to perfect the grand English tradition of keeping everything inside forever.”

Russia is considering repurposing some of its Cold War missile arsenal in order to destroy asteroids headed for Earth.  Russian President Vladimir Putin said he got the idea from the film Armageddon, which arrives in Russian theaters this fall.

Anna from HR, was that you at the Grammys?  “The Weeknd” is a weird stage name, but congratulations!  Love the new ‘do.

A van filled with $350,000 worth of rare books was stolen last week in Oakland.  The van was returned some three hours later after the thief discovered books of any kind have no value in Oakland.

Starting next month, the Chinese government will ban all foreign media companies from publishing material of an “informational and thoughtful nature” online without state approval.  Buzzfeed’s operations will remain unaffected.

No, Jerry, Omarosa should not run for president.

Scientists believe that North Korean nuclear testing could cause the country’s largest volcano, Mount Paekdu, to erupt.  Those same scientists estimate that such an eruption would leave the country better off than it is now.

A Waffle House waitress in Georgia has been arrested and charged with spiking a coworker’s drink with meth.  The accused, Sonserea Dawn Evans, claims she misunderstood her coworker’s request for a “chunked” Diet Coke.

Free donuts in conference room 3B!

A Utah bar owner has apologized after one of his employees refused service to two men because they were Polynesian.  “In my bartender’s defense,” said Jeremy Cloyd, owner of Willie’s Lounge in Salt Lake City, “they were Polynesian.”

Harper Lee, the iconic and reclusive author behind the classic American novel To Kill a Mockingbird, passed away Friday at the age of 89.  Moments after her expiration, publisher HarperCollins released several thousand limited edition, hand-signed copies of Lee’s last words, “Don’t ever publish these.”

UPDATE: The donuts are gone.

-The Chairman

PS- Now that these memos are, as the kids say, “back in effect,” I’m going against my dictatorial nature and taking suggestions as to what day of the week they should be sent to the masses.  Please email chairofthebored@gmail.com with your thoughts.  But don’t spam me, unless you crave the sweet release of death!

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