Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/13/19

Good evening Boeing shareholders,

You’re fucked!

Business!

When Walmart US CEO Greg Foran recently asked employees to email him with complaints, he received about 2,700 responses. Foran said he initially expected to receive more before remembering that most Walmart employees are too poor to own a computer.

A new bill introduced in the California state legislature aims to allow residents to salvage and eat roadkill. The state is desperately seeking a use for the Los Angeles Lakers.

Anna from Accounts Payable, you really should smile more.

UFC fighter Conor McGregor was arrested in Miami Beach on Monday for allegedly smashing the cell phone of someone who was trying to take his picture. The phone was the 15th-ranked middleweight in the UFC, and a rematch has already been scheduled for later this year.

An Arizona woman was attacked by a jaguar after crossing a zoo barrier in an attempt to take a selfie. Luckily, Blake Bortles was intercepted before he could cause serious harm.

Jerry, I knew you didn’t get into Yale for women’s soccer.

A high school jersey of Kobe Bryant’s that was stolen several years ago was returned to the superstar by a Chinese man who thought he had purchased it legally. “I don’t know who initially stole it,” Bryant told reporters Tuesday, “but it has the distinct taste of Shaq’s ass.”

In recently resurfaced audio from the Bubba The Love Sponge radio show, Fox News host Tucker Carlson calls Iraq “a crappy place filled with a bunch of, you know, semiliterate, primitive monkeys.” A majority of Republicans have since condemned Carlson for his blatant disrespect of US troops.

Join us this Friday at 3 AM in Conference Room B5 for our semiannual staff enrichment lecture! See if you can guess our guest speaker! (Hint: She definitely didn’t kill her roommate.)

Health care costs for an unvaccinated Oregon boy who almost died of tetanus in 2017 totaled almost $1 million. The boy’s parents say it was a small price to pay for not having autism.

China is planning to introduce a new fleet of driverless magnetic levitation trains by 2020. Authorities say the trains will be able to shuttle some 10,000 Uyghurs a day to concentration camps at speeds of up to 600 MPH.

Hang on…

Yup, still fucked.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/20/14

Guess who’s back?
 
Back again?
 
The Chairman’s back.
 
Tell a friend.
 
“Shouts out” to my homeboy Eminem for fashioning such a poignant and timeless reintroduction.  After enjoying a luxurious summer vacation aboard this (to scale) with these (not to scale), I’m back to bring you the latest goings on at the company and around the world.  Now, without further ado… your only reason for living: THE BUSINESS.
 
Five months after his high profile divorce, Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly dating actress Jennifer Lawrence.  “They have a lot in common,” said a source close to Martin, “for instance, they both hate Gwyneth Paltrow.”

A Michigan girl who was mauled by a raccoon is getting a new ear molded from cartilage in her rib cage.  The girl originally wanted a wife, but same-sex marriage is currently illegal in the state.

Congratulations to Aña from marketing on being named one of Forbes magazine’s “30 Under 30”!  That Cuban birth certificate is like gold!

Former President Bill Clinton was reportedly so angry when FIFA awarded Qatar the 2022 World Cup over the US that he broke a mirror in his hotel room.  Luckily, none of the five women in the room with him were hurt.

Earlier this summer, a Virginia man declared his daughter princess of an 800-square-mile expanse of African desert, calling it “The Kingdom of North Sudan.”  Last week, the six year-old was deposed in a bloodless coup and is currently awaiting trial for mass genocide.

Jerry, nobody nominated you.

A Japanese woman has released a YouTube video in which she tries to grow her breasts by massaging them with fresh summer vegetables.  YouTube has removed the woman’s other videos in which she attempts to grow her labia in the same manner.

Girls actress Allison Williams has been cast as Peter Pan in NBC’s upcoming telecast of Peter Pan Live!  As a result, the show’s title has been changed to Peter Pan: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Grow Up but Then Suddenly Did and Everybody Realized He Was Actually a Smokin’ Hot Lady Live!

Lorin Maazel, former music director of the New York Philharmonic, has died.  The New York Times called his death “coolly fastidious and emotionally distant,” adding that his “staccato breaths” towards the end were “a subtle yet winning touch.”

Go tell it on the mountain!  Shlomo Horowitz from accounting will be presenting his solo performance piece, The Unsung History of The Negro Spiritual, this Friday afternoon at 2:30 in the third floor conference room.  A change HAS come, oh lawd!

True Detective creator Nic Pizzolatto has been accused of plagiarism.  “He stole everything,” said Jimmy “Fat Stacks” Dalton, 36, of Hampton, Florida, during a press conference in his mother’s basement.  “I’ve been saying for years that life is shit, people are sheep, and Lone Star is the best goddamn beer in the world.”
 
Former President George W. Bush has had his second partial knee replacement.  Bush has said he feels “great” and “could invade Iraq again tomorrow.”

Watch out for those cops!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 7/4/14

Happy Friday!  What’s a “holiday”?
 
Whitney Wolfe, co-founder of the popular dating app “Tinder,” has filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company.  “In three years of working there,” Wolfe told reporters, “not one employee swiped me forward.”

Al Qaeda splinter group ISIL has declared an Islamic Caliphate in the Middle East, eliciting several groans from Ms. Peabody’s eighth grade government class.

Welcome back, Anna from HR!  We all knew you were innocent.

Louis Zamperini, World War II hero and subject of the book “Unbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption,” died Wednesday at the age of 97.  Or at least that’s what the Nazis think.

A Delta Airlines supervisor stands accused of defrauding the company of $22 million.  If found guilty, he will be forced to fly Delta the rest of his life.

Jerry, Betsy Ross died in 1836.

Sunday’s Pride March in Toronto ended with a natural rainbow appearing in the sky, proving once again that Canadian gays are the luckiest people on Earth.

Facebook is in hot water over its involvement in an experiment designed to manipulate people’s emotional states.  The experiment, called “Facebook,” is believed to still be occurring.
 
Celebrate America today with James from marketing!  Please… his wife left him.

Gary Oldman has apologized for making anti-Semitic remarks in a recent Playboy interview.  “I am deeply sorry,” Oldman said in a statement, “for those of you who read Playboy for the interviews.”

Hurricane Arthur briefly made landfall in North Carolina today, but was quickly blown northwards by millions of residents taking their shirts off and twisting them ‘round their heads, spinning them like helicopters.

George Washington was a racist!

-The Chairman

PS- Thanks, Jon from digital, for this HILARIOUS video!

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