Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

Standard