Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/4/18

Blessed Day Jesii,

How was your weekend? Did you get enough sleep? Maybe in a cave? Three days-worth? Then you woke up and showed your cool scars to some friends who told some other friends and suddenly you’re like, hella famous?

That’s nice. It’s also heresy.

Business!

Win Myint has been elected president of Myanmar. Myint ran on an enormously popular platform of economic improvement and swift execution of ethnic minorities.

Donald Trump has blamed violent video games and movies for recent mass shootings, suggesting a rating system for such content. When told such a system already exists, Trump suggested a rating system for such content.

Kudos, Anna from Operations! THAT was the sweet yet sensible candy bar I was thinking of.

Donald Trump has tapped his personal physician, Ronny Jackson, to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs. It will be Jackson’s first time dealing with any kind of veteran in at least two years.

Rapper DMX has been ordered to serve one year in prison for tax fraud. He pled bark to all charges.

Jerry, did you sign me up for a Gap card?

A team from Weill Cornell Medical College recently mapped the DNA found in New York’s subway system, finding samples from 15,152 different species. Researchers were able to map every line but the G, which never came.

In a controversial new interview, Pope Francis reportedly said that hell does not exist. “In these uncertain times,” the Pope told an Italian journalist, “it’s comforting to know that there cannot possibly be any worse place than the world we live in.”

Gooooo tell it on the mouuuun-tain
Over the hills and everywhere
Goooooo tell it on the mouuunnn-tain
Frozen yogurt’s back at the cafeteria!

Following a lengthy investigation, Israeli police have uncovered “sufficient evidence” to charge Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu with corruption. The police refused to recommend charges of murder as well, as they do not consider Palestinians people.

18-year-old Charlie Lagarde of Quebec will receive $1,000 a week for life after the first lottery ticket she ever bought turned out to be a winner. As a bonus, lottery officials will also give Lagarde a lifetime’s supply of cigarettes.

Jesus was my nickname in college. But instead of loaves and fishes…

… I slung hos and bitches.

HIGH FIVE ME GODDAMMIT.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/9/16

Good midweek, mine gentle servitudes.  Today’s memo begins with some BUSINESS!

No, not the usual kind of business… something else entirely.  An honest-to-goodness UPDATE on the future of the MEMO.

From now on, the memo will be delivered (and posted on https://tcotb.wordpress.com/)at precisely 10 AM EST (or EDT) every Wednesday morning.  How will I assure such German punctuality?  The old fashioned way… illegal immigrant manual child labor!

As always, please direct any comments or concerns to chairofthebored@gmail.com, where I will take a cursory look before utterly disregarding them.  Now… THE REAL BUSINESS.

The CEO of the Democratic National Committee has resigned following the party’s recent email leak.  As is customary for all American CEOs, she leaves with a $20 million tax-free severance and first refusal on the financial ruin of up to three other companies.

On August 31st, JetBlue will become the first US airline to fly commercial to Cuba.  To make Cubans feel more at home, the airline will be replacing its usual planes with 1955 Ford Fairlane convertibles.

We’ve been hacked!  Nice job, Anna from Childcare- you earned those Bitcoins.

A veteran supporter recently gifted Donald Trump a purple heart, to which the “presidential candidate” replied that he’d “always wanted” one, and that this way of receiving it was “much easier” than serving in combat.  The veteran then replied, “Fuck you,” and punched Trump in the face.  Just kidding, he’s a Trump supporter.

The “Impossible Burger,” a meatless hamburger made up of plant proteins, made its debut recently at New York City’s Refinery Hotel.  The burger has been hailed as “a possible solution to global warming” and “a great way to find out which of your friends suck.”

Jerry, that’s a different kind of skeet.

Verizon has purchased Yahoo! for $4.8 billion, much less than the $44.6 billion Microsoft reportedly offered for the company in 2008.  “We’re very happy with the deal,” CEO Marissa Mayer replied when asked about the difference between the two proposals.  “We here at Yahoo! are very comfortable with declining numbers.”

Uber has officially pulled out of China.  Remarkably, the country has still become pregnant with the company’s child: capitalist greed.

The results of our annual office morale study are in!  And they are confidential.

Italy’s parliament has begun debating a law that would legalize growing, cultivating, and selling marijuana.  The bill’s greatest proponents are Italian mothers, who are in favor of anything that will make their children “Mangia!  Mangia!”

Eminem’s former bodyguard claims rap mogul Suge Knight tried to have the Grammy-winning emcee killed in 2001.  Knight, whom many believe had a hand in killing Tupac Shakur in 1996, reportedly “didn’t want people to think [he] was racist.”

Hector, put down that lollipop.  Don’t make me deport you!

-The Chairman

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