Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!

Business!

A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 10/31/18

Back from the dead… IT’S THE HALLOWEEN MEMO.

👻🎃🧟‍♀️

The pumpkins are carved, the children are costumed, and the candies are razorbladed, so LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

SPOOKY BUSINESS.

A new survey of millennials found that 57% would rather travel than have sex. 30% said they would rather have sex than travel, while 13% wrote that they “will work for food.”

The entirety of Lake Waitaki, an abandoned town in New Zealand, is for sale for $2.8 million. The remote town is being advertised as “the perfect location to hunt man for sport.”

And the winner of our 16th annual costume contest is… Anna from Maintenance! You ARE a slutty janitor!

British low-cost carrier EasyJet plans on introducing a fleet of battery-powered airplanes by 2030. Experts say EasyJet is the perfect airline to experiment with the high-risk aircraft, as many of its passengers “wouldn’t be missed.”

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has referred a plot to pay a woman to make false claims of sexual assault against him to the FBI for investigation. Mueller got out in front of the potential claims this week, saying that the only person he’s ever wanted to fuck is Donald Trump.

For the love of god, Jerry, at least lose the bone saw.

A Florida woman who says she is Jewish has received death threats after decorating her lawn with a Halloween display depicting skeletons in a concentration camp as a means of protesting her homeowners association. “I know my history,” Susan Lamerton told local reporters Tuesday, “and Hitler’s HOA eventually caved.”

In other Florida news, the state’s Commission on Ethics has found that the mayor of a town near West Palm Beach promised a constituent he would erect speed bumps in exchange for sex. “This is nothing,” Mayor David Stewart said in a deposition. “You should see the price for a stoplight.”

BOO! Our Q3 numbers are SCAAAAARRRYYYY!! And that’s not a good thing.

Senator Lindsey Graham has said he will introduce legislation aimed at banning birthright citizenship after Donald Trump suggested drafting an executive order with the same goal. “The only thing that should determine your citizenship is your race,” Graham said in a recent statement. “Whoops.”

British scientists have taught dogs to diagnose malaria in patients by smelling their socks. “This is a very exciting development,” professor Steve Lindsay of Durham University told reporters, “one that will greatly increase diagnosis rates in areas with access to quality footwear and specially-bred dogs with hours upon hours of vigorous training by highly-skilled professionals.”

This Halloween, let us remember the less fortunate: the dead.

-The Chairman

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