Internal Memo for Monday, 11/7/16

‘Twas the night before this mess, and all through the House
Not a Speaker was stirring, not even his spouse
The jockeying was done without mercy or care
In hopes it would disappear soon like Trump’s hair
The voters were fretting all snug in their states
Divisions and frog cartoons stoking their hates
When down at Fox News there arose such a clatter
WikiLeaks emails of course were the matter
In a great orange flash Donald boarded his jet
Along with his servile army of pets
“Now Corey!  Now Comey!  Now Kushner and Conway!
On Christie!  On Ailes!  On Rudolph Giuliani!”
Their tiny minds racing with thoughts of election
They blissfully shunned any news of rejection
But try as they might, they could not shake the feeling
That tomorrow’s results just might send them all reeling
Certain that it would go down to the wire
They stayed up all night to see what would transpire…

According to a new study, New York is the second-most rat-infested city in America.  It is expected to drop to third on November 9th, when both presidential candidates leave.

Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley have expressed concern that Apple’s new Bluetooth-enabled AirPod headphones put users at risk for exposure to harmful radiation.  When asked for comment, company spokesperson Kim Doros replied, “According to our internal studies, when given the choice between an iPhone and their health, people always choose the iPhone.”

Congratulations to Anna from IT on successfully hacking into FiveThirtyEight.com!  Things are looking up for this “Evan McMullin”…

Scientists believe Tasmanian devil milk might be a breakthrough weapon in the fight against superbugs.  Unfortunately, the development has led to several researchers’ deaths in mini tornadoes.

This past June, popular porn site Pornhub launched a “described video” category aimed at users who are blind.  So far, the site’s most popular videos are those narrated by Joseph “Kinky Joe” Mahorn, known in industry circles as “the Shakespeare of anal.”

Jerry, there is no such thing as “late voting.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti T’eo will reportedly miss the rest of the season with an Achilles tendon injury.  Doctors performing an MRI to assess the damage were shocked to find that T’eo never had an Achilles tendon in the first place.

Members of the Harvard men’s soccer team have been punished after their “report” ranking members of the school’s women’s soccer team by attractiveness leaked.  Additionally, the players involved are being vetted for possible posts in President Donald Trump’s cabinet.

Look on the bright side, everyone: If Trump wins, we get another Sound of Music.

The FBI has announced that it found no criminality in its most recent batch of emails relating to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private server while Secretary of State.  However, the bureau has recommended a term of 3-5 years in prison for anyone who talks about the case ever again.

The James Webb Space Telescope, heir to the famed Hubble Space Telescope, is reportedly powerful enough to see far into the past.  Scientists say it can almost, but not quite, make out a time before this election.

And Wolf Blitzer cried, at the horrible sight
“It’s too close to call, we’ll be here all night!”

-The Chairman

Standard

Internal Memo for Wednesday, 7/6/16

Happy belated, America!  You were the greatest country in the world for the better part of 200 years… quite the accomplishment.  Business!

FBI Director James Comey has called presidential candidate Hillary Clinton “extremely careless” with classified information during her time as Secretary of State, but has not recommended bringing charges against her.  “Listen, she’s no longer in a position of power, so who cares?” Comey said at a press conference.  “No further questions.”

A grizzly bear killed a mountain biker last week near Glacier National Park in Montana.  After the mauling, the bear hopped on the dead man’s bike and now has 5,000,000 views on YouTube.

“Started from the bottom now she’s here!”  Congratulations to Anna from the mailroom on her promotion to “mail supervisor!”  Thirty years in the making!

The Taiwanese military accidentally fired a missile last week that killed a Chinese fisherman.  “We are furious that the Taiwanese military would mercilessly murder a Chinese citizen, accidentally or otherwise,” Chinese General Fan Changlong told reporters after the incident.  “Only we are allowed to do that.”

Virginia lawmakers have introduced new legislation to prevent 12 year-olds from getting married in the state.  “I like the law,” said Felix Hatfield, 53, whose fiancé is 12 year-old Ellie Mae Jensen.  “I’ve always wanted to move to Mississippi.”

Jerry, it’s called a piccolo, not a “sound phallus.”

A work featuring drifting Gabors took home first place in the Neural Correlate Society’s “Best Illusion of the Year” contest for 2016.  The work narrowly beat out the second place illusion: American democracy.

Notorious infidelity website Ashley Madison has admitted that some of the female “users” of its site are not actual women, but virtual computer programs.  “We decided to come clean, as we don’t want any of our users to feel cheated,” parent company Avid Life Media wrote in a statement.  “Just their spouses.”

Want to “Beat the Heat” this summer?  Why not stay at the office?  The AC is on and the work is reeeeaaaallll cooooooooooool.

Pilot Bertrand Piccard made history last month when he completed a 71-hour journey across the Atlantic Ocean in a solar powered plane.  The actual flight took 14 hours, but Piccard’s team built in an additional 57 hours for self-congratulation.

One of Donald Trump’s advisers told CNN that he expects the “candidate” to pick a running mate by next week.  “His choice will need to fit three main criteria,” the source said, “36-24-36.  And only if she’s 5’3”.”

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, and as they age they sort themselves out into very rich and very poor.

-The Chairman

Standard