Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/21/17

GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM.

Whoops, sorry, still America.  Close enough these days.

Did you domestic servants miss me?  Over the last couple of months, your old friend The Chairman has been in the kitchen, cookin up some bigtime deals.  He’s also spent some time in the bathroom, flushing the competition.  AND he’s been in the laundry room, laundering money.  Don’t look in the basement…

BUSINESS.

Uber CEO (and noted asshole) Travis Kalanick has resigned.  He will be replaced by the world’s first ever self-driving CEO.

Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner has been named a “person of interest” in the ongoing investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia in last year’s presidential election.  Kushner has responded by selling several million dollars in real estate to the Russian government.

Boy, am I glad you installed that dashcam, Anna from security!  You’re a real Tawny Kitaen on that hood.

Roger Moore, star of seven James Bond films, has died.  He will be replaced by Daniel Craig.

In comedian Bill Cosby’s high-profile sexual assault case that ended in a mistrial last week, Cosby’s defense team stunned everyone by resting after just six minutes.  The decision shocked even Cosby himself, who told reporters, “I didn’t expect the pills to work that quickly.”

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “My Super Sharia Sweet Sixteen.”

A new study shows that drinking non-dairy instead of dairy milk may stunt children’s growth.  The study is based on the fact that there are zero professional basketball players from Park Slope.

The California state senate recently passed a bill that would give all of the state’s citizens access to public healthcare, as well as 1% of the gross.

Today is the longest (work)day of the year!  Doesn’t the sun just make everything better?  ESPECIALLY being inside.

Tiger Woods says he’s seeking “professional help” after being arrested last month for driving under the influence.  In the process, Woods has coined the greatest euphemism for prostitution in history.

Bloomberg News is reporting that, during the 2016 US election, Russian hackers were able to breach the voting systems of 39 separate states.  Experts worry that attacks could continue into the future, and may even influence who is elected president.

Who wants to join me in the bedroom?  It’s not harassment if it’s a metaphor!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/29/17

Good morning full-time temps,

It has come to my attention that Donald Trump began this week by eliminating many of his predecessor’s safeguards against climate change. Rest assured we’re responding accordingly, by relocating our Miami office to Mumbai and getting into the lucrative sandbag market.

As for how we will make these “pro-business” measures work for us, I have some ideas. First off, Trump’s EO removes protections on public lands. And since he’s proven that everything public is also private, it should remove protections on private land, too. We intend to take full advantage.

First step: strip mining Mar-A-Lago.

Business!

Following reports that Donald Trump would defund Meals on Wheels, controversial NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick has donated $50,000 to the organization. Critics of the decision say the unsigned quarterback can’t stop throwing things away.

A Mexican newspaper is reporting that American students on a recent spring break trip to Cancun could be heard chanting, “Build that wall!,” to which locals replied, “Please.”

Anna from Transportation, five stars! That was the first Uber I’ve been in that didn’t smell like a public pool.

Last week, several women wore robes from the book (and upcoming TV series) The Handmaid’s Tale to the Texas Senate to oppose proposed abortion laws. Another woman was not allowed in the chamber, as she brought a gun from John Wick.

A new report alleges that Michael Flynn, former National Security Advisor to Donald Trump who was found to be working as a foreign agent, did not to sign Trump’s ethics pledge. This is likely because such a pledge doesn’t exist.

Jerry, it is not “Sir Hippopotamus Boar’s Zootopia.”

Donald Trump has announced the creation of a task force, headed by his son-in-law Jared Kushner, to make the government run more like a business. That business is Enron.

Despite asking for an increase of $54 billion in defense spending as part of his proposed budget, Donald Trump has included major cuts to both TSA and the Coast Guard. “Not worried, not worried,” he said at a recent press conference. “Nobody’s ever attacked America with a plane, and last I checked we didn’t have a coast.”

Baseball season’s just around the corner. Get ready by stealing a home!

A group of scientists has created the first-ever stable helium compound. The discovery has given researchers around the world hope that they may someday create the first-ever stable Courtney Love.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has said that Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election could be considered an act of war. “Trust me,” he added, “I would know.”

Bring in the jackhammers!  All that oil under Trump Tower ain’t gonna pump itself…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 11/7/16

‘Twas the night before this mess, and all through the House
Not a Speaker was stirring, not even his spouse
The jockeying was done without mercy or care
In hopes it would disappear soon like Trump’s hair
The voters were fretting all snug in their states
Divisions and frog cartoons stoking their hates
When down at Fox News there arose such a clatter
WikiLeaks emails of course were the matter
In a great orange flash Donald boarded his jet
Along with his servile army of pets
“Now Corey!  Now Comey!  Now Kushner and Conway!
On Christie!  On Ailes!  On Rudolph Giuliani!”
Their tiny minds racing with thoughts of election
They blissfully shunned any news of rejection
But try as they might, they could not shake the feeling
That tomorrow’s results just might send them all reeling
Certain that it would go down to the wire
They stayed up all night to see what would transpire…

According to a new study, New York is the second-most rat-infested city in America.  It is expected to drop to third on November 9th, when both presidential candidates leave.

Researchers at the University of California-Berkeley have expressed concern that Apple’s new Bluetooth-enabled AirPod headphones put users at risk for exposure to harmful radiation.  When asked for comment, company spokesperson Kim Doros replied, “According to our internal studies, when given the choice between an iPhone and their health, people always choose the iPhone.”

Congratulations to Anna from IT on successfully hacking into FiveThirtyEight.com!  Things are looking up for this “Evan McMullin”…

Scientists believe Tasmanian devil milk might be a breakthrough weapon in the fight against superbugs.  Unfortunately, the development has led to several researchers’ deaths in mini tornadoes.

This past June, popular porn site Pornhub launched a “described video” category aimed at users who are blind.  So far, the site’s most popular videos are those narrated by Joseph “Kinky Joe” Mahorn, known in industry circles as “the Shakespeare of anal.”

Jerry, there is no such thing as “late voting.”

San Diego Chargers linebacker Manti T’eo will reportedly miss the rest of the season with an Achilles tendon injury.  Doctors performing an MRI to assess the damage were shocked to find that T’eo never had an Achilles tendon in the first place.

Members of the Harvard men’s soccer team have been punished after their “report” ranking members of the school’s women’s soccer team by attractiveness leaked.  Additionally, the players involved are being vetted for possible posts in President Donald Trump’s cabinet.

Look on the bright side, everyone: If Trump wins, we get another Sound of Music.

The FBI has announced that it found no criminality in its most recent batch of emails relating to Hillary Clinton’s use of a private server while Secretary of State.  However, the bureau has recommended a term of 3-5 years in prison for anyone who talks about the case ever again.

The James Webb Space Telescope, heir to the famed Hubble Space Telescope, is reportedly powerful enough to see far into the past.  Scientists say it can almost, but not quite, make out a time before this election.

And Wolf Blitzer cried, at the horrible sight
“It’s too close to call, we’ll be here all night!”

-The Chairman

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