Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/21/18

Good morning, Thoughts & Prayers!

Truly, you’re all we need.

Business!

Olympics broadcaster NBC has apologized to South Korea after one of its commentators implied the nation had modeled itself after Japan, which occupied the country for a number of years. The network also apologized to France, as the same commentator referred to its representatives as “Olympic Athletes from Vichy.”

Fox News is planning to launch a streaming service aimed at “superfans” of the network. The platform will reportedly feature a 24-hour live feed of Guantanamo Bay

Thank you, Anna from Business Development, for finally explaining to me how ice dancing is judged! But… I still think they should just fuck.

In Q4 of last year, Facebook saw its first ever decline in users in the United States and Canada. The platform continued to grow, however, thanks to an influx of approximately 7 billion users from Macedonia.

According to a recent study, Americans born in the 1980s are 40% less upwardly mobile than those born in the 1940s. Experts attribute the drop to Americans born in the 1940s.

Jerry, please stop referring to the Olympic Village as “Gonorrheaville.”

Rapper Jay-Z celebrated a close friend’s birthday Monday night in New York City by racking up a $90,000 bar tab and leaving an $11,000 tip. When asked why he only tipped 12% on the bill, Jay replied, “I got 99 problems and math is two.”

Moscow saw record snowfall earlier this month, receiving 18.5 inches over two days. The occurrence has been nicknamed the “Trump blizzard,” as it combined both Russia and anecdotal evidence against global warming.

Ever wonder who really killed Laci Peterson? Join us Friday night in Conference Room A for a special program entitled “Clearing My Name: An Evening with Scott Peterson.” Scott will be taking questions via Cisco© Telepresence from San Quentin State Prison, where he is currently on death row for… well, maybe nothing? You decide!

Darts has reached the second stage of consideration for becoming an Olympic sport and could debut at the 2024 games. “We think the sport of darts perfectly fits the Olympic motto,” IOC President Thomas Bach said in a statement. “Faster, higher, drunker.”

Inspired by the Oscar-nominated film Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. an activist group has placed three billboards outside Senator Marco Rubio’s office in Miami encouraging him to support gun control in the wake of the recent school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Rubio has since assured his constituents that, just like in the movie, nothing will really happen.

I don’t know about you, but I sleep just fine.

Juuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiine.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/23/14

Good Afternoon,
 
I hope you all survived a week of no correspondence due to our office renovations.  I can assure you the Internet is now back up and running and we’ve upgraded to a new fleet of CISCO® 891W-AGN-A-K9 Gigabit Ethernet Wireless Security Routers.  I’m as giddy as a little schoolgirl!  It’s like Christmas come early!  I have to change my pants!  BUSINESS!!

Authorities in Belize have apprehended a suspect in the largest gold heist in Florida history.  Alleged thief Raonel Valdez-Valhuerdis is said to be disappointed he was caught, but thrilled to have escaped Florida.

Solange Knowles recent elevator attack on her sister’s husband, Jay-Z, reportedly stemmed from the rapper’s association with fashion designer Rachel Roy.  Jay-Z has since released a statement acknowledging that he now has 101 problems.
 
Let’s all gather for cupcakes in the cafeteria today as our little journalist Anna from operations goes off to Syria to document the horrors of war!  We’re gonna miss you, sweetheart, but you’ll always have a home here if and when you get Hepatitis A!
 
Former NFL safety Tyler Sash was arrested last week after leading police on a drunken scooter chase.  Or, as the NFL calls it, “Something wholly unrelated to the former player’s health and well being and certainly not having anything to do with concussions.”
 
Ryan Gosling caused an Internet stir recently by wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin wearing a T-shirt of Ryan Gosling wearing a T-shirt of Macaulay Culkin.  It is unclear as of yet what the pair is selling.

Jerry, have you ever even seen Schindler’s List?

Oregon State has fired men’s basketball coach Craig Robinson.  Much like his brother-in-law, President Barack Obama, Robinson served since 2008 and had only one winning season.

Golfer Rory McIlroy has called off his engagement to tennis player Caroline Wozniacki.  The two reportedly remain European.

This is a friendly reminder that the company day care is for employees only.  And for children only.  And for humans only.  And it is not a restroom.  Thank you.

An underwater explorer claims he has found the remains of Christopher Columbus’ ship the Santa Maria.  “The ship is in extremely good condition,” says explorer Barry Clifford, “it looks like she could still wipe out an entire native population today.”

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin recently revealed that he writes the hit series on a DOS computer with no Internet connection.  “It keeps things pure,” said Martin.  “All the porn is on the page.”

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

GET BACK TO WORK.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/26/14

Good evening, True Detectives.  Who is the Yellow King?

Jason Collins made his season debut with the Brooklyn Nets on Sunday, becoming the first openly gay player in NBA history.  “Good for him,” said former Nets owner Sean Carter, AKA Jay-Z, “Big day for faggots.”

Whole Foods Market is negotiating a deal to “coexist” with infamous purveyor of genetically engineered crops, Monsanto.  As part of the agreement, Monsanto is free to plant all of the soybeans it wants in Czechoslovakia.

A California couple found $10 million in buried treasure while walking their dog last year.  According to California law, the couple must pay 2/3rds of the money in taxes, and the rest to their dog.

Anna’s gone viral!  Anna from legal, that is- she’s contracted a rare strain of bird flu so we’ve quarantined her on the fifth floor.  Steer clear!

“Ghostbusters” star and “Animal House” writer Harold Ramis has died at 69.  He would’ve wanted it this way.

New York Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long said the team had to beg recently departed second baseman Robinson Cano to hustle.  This story is over a week old, but Cano delivered it to me himself.

First Lady Michelle Obama is under fire for wearing a $12,000 dress to a recent White House dinner.  “$12,000?” said political commentator Catherine Riviera, “that’s almost 12 minutes of taxpayer funded campaign advertising!”

Jerry, the cafeteria is not the place for “casual encounters.”

An eighth-grade quarterback has committed to LSU.  “It’s always been a dream of mine to play at LSU,” said Zadock Dinkelmann, 14, “plus it’s the only school whose name I could spell.”

A federal judge in San Antonio has struck down a Texas law banning same-sex marriage.  “I think it’s the right decision,” said Texas governor Rick Perry, “all Texans should be allowed to get married, same as all Texans should be allowed to kill judges.”

San Diego State running back Adam Muema said God told him to leave the NFL scouting combine early, possibly impacting his draft stock.  “Yup, you heard right,” said God, the Supreme Ruler of the Universe, “I chose the guy from San Diego State.”

And the winner of our Olympic pool is… drumroll please… Sam Schneiderman in accounts payable!  He correctly predicted that bear would shed just one tear during the closing ceremonies.  Enjoy your trip to Pennsylvania Dutch Country!

“Avatar” star Sam Worthington was arrested Sunday in New York for allegedly punching a photographer.  “Sorry,” Worthington said in a statement, “I’m Australian.”

General Motors is recalling 1.37 million vehicles due to a dangerous ignition problem that has killed 13 people.  For those keeping score at home, that’s one death for every $777 million in federal bailout money given to the company.

Former heavyweight boxing champion Vitali Klitschko is expected to run for president of Ukraine this May.  When asked about his plans for the country, Klitschko simply replied, “Pain.”
 
Do you ever feel like the moon is both waxing and waning?  No?  Just me?  GET BACK TO WORK.
 
-The Chairman

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