Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/17/18

Good morning discomfort pioneers,

Great news!  In the wake of the recent MAJOR TAX CUT, I have decided to give everyone a 401K!  AND I will match your first contribution up to $.3.  THAT IS NOT A TYPO!  You know what they say, a penny saved is a penny… BUSINESS.

Paula White, Pentecostal televangelist and spiritual adviser to Donald Trump, has encouraged people to send her their January salary or face punishment from God.  White claims the money will go directly to the almighty creator himself, who incurred massive debt last month fighting the war on Christmas.

Minnesota has been named the happiest state in America by personal finance website WalletHub.  In related news, Mississippi has been named the wealthiest state in America by Civil War blogger Beauregard Johnson III.

Congratulations to Anna from HR on opening the office’s first ever meditation room!  I’ve already “christened” it… twice 😉

JetBlue has begun hiring pilots with no experience necessary.  And it shows.

Lena Dunham has split from her boyfriend of five years, Bleachers lead singer Jack Antonoff.  Antonoff is reportedly “heartbroken,” while Dunham is reportedly “naked.”

Jerry, you did not just win HQ.

Former Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has registered her disdain for the #MeToo movement, saying, “Let’s not turn women into snowflakes.”  “Women should be viewed the same way as men,” Rice added. “They should be free to grope, to rape, and to fight in endless wars propagated by administrations captured by defense contractors and private security forces.”

Alana Evans, friend of pornographic actress Stormy Daniels – whom Donald Trump reportedly paid $130,000 for her silence regarding a 2006 sexual encounter – claims Trump chased Daniels around a hotel room “in his tighty-whities.”  Experts say Evans was referring to Trump’s underwear, though “tighty-whities” is also Trump’s nickname for his cabinet.

Tomorrow is our sixth annual office pun-off!  Or should I say, “office pun-off-ice”?  I’M-A GONNA WIN.

The same day that Walmart announced that it would be raising employees’ wages by $1 an hour due to the recent tax overhaul, the company also announced it would be closing 63 of its Sam’s Club locations.  Going forward, workers at those locations are expected to make almost as much as when they were employed.

Senator Lindsey Graham says he no longer believes Donald Trump is a “xenophobic, race-baiting religious bigot.”  “I now realize,” Graham added, “that he is so much worse.”

Find a penny, pick it up… and turn it in to Accounting IMMEDIATELY.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/9/16

Good midweek, mine gentle servitudes.  Today’s memo begins with some BUSINESS!

No, not the usual kind of business… something else entirely.  An honest-to-goodness UPDATE on the future of the MEMO.

From now on, the memo will be delivered (and posted on https://tcotb.wordpress.com/)at precisely 10 AM EST (or EDT) every Wednesday morning.  How will I assure such German punctuality?  The old fashioned way… illegal immigrant manual child labor!

As always, please direct any comments or concerns to chairofthebored@gmail.com, where I will take a cursory look before utterly disregarding them.  Now… THE REAL BUSINESS.

The CEO of the Democratic National Committee has resigned following the party’s recent email leak.  As is customary for all American CEOs, she leaves with a $20 million tax-free severance and first refusal on the financial ruin of up to three other companies.

On August 31st, JetBlue will become the first US airline to fly commercial to Cuba.  To make Cubans feel more at home, the airline will be replacing its usual planes with 1955 Ford Fairlane convertibles.

We’ve been hacked!  Nice job, Anna from Childcare- you earned those Bitcoins.

A veteran supporter recently gifted Donald Trump a purple heart, to which the “presidential candidate” replied that he’d “always wanted” one, and that this way of receiving it was “much easier” than serving in combat.  The veteran then replied, “Fuck you,” and punched Trump in the face.  Just kidding, he’s a Trump supporter.

The “Impossible Burger,” a meatless hamburger made up of plant proteins, made its debut recently at New York City’s Refinery Hotel.  The burger has been hailed as “a possible solution to global warming” and “a great way to find out which of your friends suck.”

Jerry, that’s a different kind of skeet.

Verizon has purchased Yahoo! for $4.8 billion, much less than the $44.6 billion Microsoft reportedly offered for the company in 2008.  “We’re very happy with the deal,” CEO Marissa Mayer replied when asked about the difference between the two proposals.  “We here at Yahoo! are very comfortable with declining numbers.”

Uber has officially pulled out of China.  Remarkably, the country has still become pregnant with the company’s child: capitalist greed.

The results of our annual office morale study are in!  And they are confidential.

Italy’s parliament has begun debating a law that would legalize growing, cultivating, and selling marijuana.  The bill’s greatest proponents are Italian mothers, who are in favor of anything that will make their children “Mangia!  Mangia!”

Eminem’s former bodyguard claims rap mogul Suge Knight tried to have the Grammy-winning emcee killed in 2001.  Knight, whom many believe had a hand in killing Tupac Shakur in 1996, reportedly “didn’t want people to think [he] was racist.”

Hector, put down that lollipop.  Don’t make me deport you!

-The Chairman

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