Internal Memo for Wednesday, 6/12/19

Hello Rich White Theatergoers,

Whoops, that’s redundant.

Who watched the Tonys on Sunday?! Those musical numbers were even more electrifying on TV… and that is sad.

BUSINESS.

Bradley Cooper has broken up with girlfriend Irina Shayk, just four months after his A Star Is Born co-star Lady Gaga broke off her engagement to Christian Carino. The two are reportedly looking for a piano.

As her mother awaits sentencing in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, the daughter of Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy has graduated from high school. In lieu of gifts, she has asked that friends and family fuck off and die.

Anna from Legal, good luck defending Comcast against claims of racial discrimination in front of the Supreme Court! You always did like a challenge.

Justin Bieber tweeted Sunday that he would like to fight Tom Cruise “in the octagon.” Cruise responded that Bieber should stop talking before he ended up like the last person who wanted to fight him, Shelly Miscavige.

The Illinois state legislature has officially approved the use of recreational marijuana by adults in the state. Donald Trump has responded by sending National Guard troops to Chicago.

Jerry, you did not survive Chernobyl.

An estimated 1.03 million protesters flooded the streets of Hong Kong Sunday to oppose a proposed law that would allow the local government to extradite fugitives to places such as mainland China and Macau. “We are very angry,” one protestor told the South China Morning Post, “that nobody realizes this is a gay pride parade.”

An English woman has been arrested after she punctured the famous “baby Trump” balloon flown by protesters to mark the businessman’s recent visit to the UK. “Yes! Yes! I stabbed baby Trump!” the woman was heard shouting as police led her away, “And I didn’t have to go back in time to do it!”

Have you ever dreamed of working for a Fortune 500 company? Well work harder! We didn’t qualify yet again.

A series of photos appearing to depict a pregnant Marilyn Monroe are being sold for $90,000. Monroe’s estate has disputed the authenticity of the photos, which also show John F. Kennedy pointing at the actress’ belly and mouthing “That’s mine.”

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin has announced that, due to security concerns, the redesign of the $20 bill featuring Harriet Tubman will be delayed until 2028. “This design must be implemented correctly, as it would be much easier to counterfeit,” Mnuchin said in a statement, “because all black people look the same.”

Hadestown… that’s the sequel to On The Town, right?

Oh, who gives a fuck.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/17/16

Morning, eggheads.  This is your brain on drugs- business drugs.

A new study suggests that millennials are having less sex than the previous generation.  Their reasons for abstention include STDs, the economy, and other millennials.

Drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman’s son has been kidnapped from a restaurant in the trendy resort town of Puerto Vallarta, in what Mexican authorities are calling a “Monday.”

Wow, Anna from Marketing- Minnie Driver?  I didn’t know she liked women.

Justin Bieber has quit Instagram.  Sadly, just Instagram.

E! reality show “I Am Cait” has been cancelled after two seasons.  Apparently the network had reservations about the first episode of the third season, tentatively titled “North Carolina.”

Jerry, American involvement in World War II did not constitute a “land grab.”

Brendan Dassey, one of the subjects of the Netflix true crime series Making a Murderer, has had his conviction overturned by a federal judge.  In related news, Netflix is making a documentary showing that HBO is, in fact, illegal.

A recent inspection at an upstate New York nuclear plant revealed a “minor” radiation leak that has gone unfixed for at least four years.  That makes it the second longest-running man-made disaster in the area, after the Buffalo Bills.

This week we’ll be celebrating our proud partnership with one of our sister companies, Indigo Tajikistan.  They’ve recently stopped using slave labor!

A red panda that escaped from a Chinese zoo eight months ago has been recovered from a tree near the facility.  Shortly before its capture, the animal reportedly told associates that it was going back to do “one last job.”

Berlin, Europe’s rapidly growing capital of veganism, is now home to a reported 80,000 vegans.  “Careful,” the city’s mayor Michael Müller recently said in a statement, “this is how the Nazis started.”

Rachel Leigh Cook… she really was “all that.”

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 5/13/16

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, yessssssss… right there, Doris… a little lower… YES.  YES YES YES……………. whoops, sorry, still basking in the glow of my horse’s big win at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.  As a reward, I think I’ll put myself out to stud.  Who wants first dibs?  Business!

Justin Bieber got a new tattoo of a cross on his face.  The singer says the new ink is meant to symbolize his kinship with Jesus, another delusional child prodigy with millions of mindless followers.

Artist and entrepreneur Jae Rhim Lee has created a suit made of mushroomsdesigned to efficiently break down the human body after death.  Lee has said she modeled the suit on New York City, which efficiently breaks down the human body throughout life.

When it finally comes time to pass the torch, I now know whom to call: Anna from Finance!  Anna just made her first million selling digital downloads of her “guided meditations” for $75 a pop!  Now THAT’S a BUSINESSWOMAN.

The United States has sent two F-22 warplanes to Romania.  Or, as Bernie Sanders calls it, Poland.

A gay pastor who claimed employees at an Austin, Texas Whole Foods wrote a homophobic slur on a cake he ordered may have written the word himself.  Jordan Brown, the priest behind the alleged fraud, told reporters that it didn’t matter who wrote the word, the fact that the word exists at all is enough for Whole Foods to owe him “a lot of money.”  An Austin judge agreed, rewarding Brown $3 million in punitive damages stemming from “America’s long history of grocery-related imperialist chauvinism.”

Jerry, Israel exists.  Period.

A former official with the Russian Anti-Doping Agency has revealed that at least four of the country’s gold medalists from the 2014 Sochi Olympics used steroids.  “This is news to you?  Really?” Vitaly Stepanov told The New York Times.  “Oh, I forgot, this is the Donald Trump country.”

A new study shows that occasional fasting can help you live longer.  I TOLD YOU, BRENDA.

It’s Friday the 13th!  Remember, there’s nothing scaaaaaaarier to us hardworking Americans than power-hungry labor unions peddling false promises of “better working conditions.”  BOO.

Disney is reportedly planning to turn its iconic Tower of Terror into a Guardians of the Galaxy ride.  The new attraction will replicate its predecessor’s 199-foot freefall, plunging the audience into a bottomless pit of Chinese Yuan.

Actor Jake Lloyd, most famous for playing young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, has been diagnosed with schizophrenia.  Following the news, the US government moved the film past the Challenger on the list of “Greatest Mistakes in American History.”

I’ve been told I have a lot in common with horses.  Well, one thing, mostly…

-The Chairman

PS- Don’t forget, if you’ve missed any memos in the past, you’re at serious risk of being fired (and probably deported)!  Catch up here!

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Internal Memo for Friday, 4/22/16

Wow, what a day!  I’m soooooooooooooooooo “high.”  Business!

New York magazine alleges that professional buffoon Donald Trump has an “arsenal” of secrets about Fox News chairman Roger Ailes with which he could blackmail the network head.  According to the magazine, Trump is one of the few people to have visited Ailes at his home office: Hell.

Personal care giant Johnson & Johnson has been ordered to pay $72 million as part of a lawsuit linking its baby powder to ovarian cancer.  As part of the settlement, the company will also change its slogan from “No More Tears” to “Lots More Tumors.”

Anna, that is one fat “spliff!”  And your butt’s not bad, either!

A 3-year-old Chinese boy was rescued recently after he fell down a 295-foot well.  The dog who rescued him, known as the “Chinese Lassie,” was subsequently eaten as part of the Yulin dog-meat festival, the world’s foremost birthplace of pernicious stereotypes.

A Russian billionaire is attempting to achieve immortality by uploading his brain to a computer.  “With this procedure,” businessman Dmitry Itskov said in a statement, “I will finally be able to see the day when Russia will again be a major player on the world stage.”

Jerry, stop being such a “narc!”

Hilary Clinton’s campaign chairman hinted at a government cover up of UFOs in a recent interview with CNN.  “I looked into it after Bernie won Michigan,” John Podesta told “The Lead.”  “I thought ‘who’s believes this shit?’  Low and behold: aliens.”

Two actors’ necks were slit during the opening night performance of Sweeney Todd at a New Zealand high school.  It was the school’s worst accident since last fall, when two actors contracted AIDS during the opening night of Rent.

Whoa, like… is the floor moving?  Charles?  Jackie?  Prudence Hopefeather?  I’m “freakin out” “dudes!”

During a surprise appearance at Comic Con, director James Cameron announced plans for four Avatar sequels.  “Don’t worry,” Cameron told the stunned audience, “there’s nowhere to go but up!  Four times!”

Kansas City Royals first baseman Eric Hosmer garnered praise recently when he saved a young girl from being trampled after a Justin Bieber concert.  When asked why he was at the concert in the first place, Hosmer replied, “I knew I shouldn’t have saved her.”

Wait what?

When was it?

Really?

Then what’s that smell?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/5/14

Good Evening,
 
So far, this week has been the company’s most productive in decades.  Coincidence? I THINK NOT.  Business!
 
Scientists at Stanford University may have found the molecular basis for hair color.  “Today, we are one step closer to our goal,” said research specialist Catherine Guenther, lead author of the landmark study, “a world without gingers.”
 
A supervisor at Atkinson Cotton Warehouse in Memphis, Tennessee threatened to hang a black employee for drinking from a “white people only” water fountain.  “We will not tolerate this sort of bigotry,” said outraged owner of the warehouse, E.W. Atkinson.  “We would expect this in Europe, but not here.”

For the third year in a row, Anna from accounting has beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity!  This year, she raised over $45!
 
An American University law professor made the case to a group of senators Tuesday that, if spending money constitutes free speech, outlawing prostitution is unconstitutional.  His comments were followed by a brief silence, broken only by one senator’s excited cry of “Told ya!”
 
Though she died in 1996, Bulgarian prophet Vanga appears to have predicted Crimea’s split from Ukraine.  Her most prescient quatrain, from 1987, reads, “A land… a certain kind of land, inhabited by people… will change.”

Jerry, it remains inappropriate to repeatedly tell our female employees to “lean in.”
 
Video has emerged of Justin Bieber repeatedly using the N-word.  The video, taken five years ago when the singer was only 14, proves once again that we have only ourselves to blame.
 
General Motors has apologized for sending recall notices to the families of victims of recall-related accidents.  Not because of the sentiment, but because they were printed on what one company spokesman called “substandard paper.”
 
Betting is officially open on June’s Employee of the Month race!  Stop by the seventh floor OTB and lay your money down.  Current favorite: Jared from IT at 5:1.
 
A Missouri woman has been charged with felony theft after raising thousands of dollars from donors who thought she had terminal cancer.  “I should’ve known,” said deceived donor Amanda Shillingsworth, 24.  “Real cancer patients just deal meth.”

A Florida man has declared himself a sovereign state in order to avoid sending his 8 year-old daughter to school.  As his total assets amount to over $15, he is expected to become a full member of the European Union within the month.

I just want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your exceptional ability to derive inspiration from these incredible memos.
 
-The Chairman

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