Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/11/18

Gooooooood afternoon, maggots! It’s another beautiful day on the corporate dunghill!

Remember, it is you who make this entire enterprise possible. For it is you who churn through an endless manure of regulations and government overreach, transforming it into a beautiful (and nutritious!) soil of profit. The smell alone is enough to bring a tear to my eye…

Business!

A Rhode Island nudist campground is hiring a lifeguard for this summer. Administrators say the position has great potential for growth.

Black Panther is set to become the first film to screen in a Saudi Arabian movie theater since the country lifted its 35-year ban on cinemas earlier this year. The film has been heavily edited, as it contains multiple salacious depictions of women driving.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on making the first contribution to your IRA! The company will not be matching.

Singer R. Kelly, who reportedly runs a “sex cult” full of brainwashed women (first reported here), now stands accused of grooming a 14-year-old for sex. Kelly has denied the charge, stating, “I haven’t done that since Aaliyah.”

In the months of January and February, the Hungarian government spent €8.1 million on anti-George Soros messaging campaigns. The figure represents a fraction of the approximately €11 trillion Soros paid to protestors during the same time.

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “chlorophyllia.”

A new “smart condom” promises to track sexual performance and detect diseases. “As Facebook has proven,” i.Con creator Mark Hubbings told reporters, “data is a necessary part of getting fucked.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have given birth to their third child via surrogate, a boy named Chicago. Donald Trump has since called the child “a war zone” and threatened to send in the National Guard to control him.

Don’t forget: Monday is National Pet a GMO Day!

A Green Bay Packers wide receiver was arrested last weekend after joking about bringing a bomb to an airport. Once again, he was bailed out by Aaron Rodgers.

The FBI raided the offices of Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen on Monday, in a move Trump called “a total witch hunt.” “He has nothing to hide!” Trump later tweeted. “HE DOES NOT OWN A BROOM”

Keep chewing up the competition, little ones! Maybe someday, you’ll fly away…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 2/13/16

Happy Lent, sheeple!  In celebration of our oldest and Christianest holiday, I’ve decided to give up not writing memos for forty days!  No, that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting a memo a day (who has time for that?), but it does mean you’ll be getting them regularly from now until the end of time.  Seeing as North Korea just tested a long-range missile, I should be off the hook soon.  Business!

It was revealed last week that Bernie Sanders is the only presidential candidate who pays his interns, at a rate of $10.10 an hour.  Upon hearing the news, Donald Trump began paying his previously unpaid interns $15 an hour.  When asked about his decision, Trump replied, “I will not be thought of as cheaper than a Jew.”

Japanese decluttering guru Marie Kondo, author of the popular book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is in New York City this month, filming herself helping local residents tidy their homes.  When asked how she felt after interviewing several prospective clients, Kondo replied, “I’m a little surprised… I’ve never seen so much live-action porn.”

Everybody throw some beads at Anna from Sales!  No, she didn’t flash anyone at our annual Mardi Gras fête, but she did ferry 23 employees with alcohol poisoning to the ER.  Safest year yet!

A team of scientists has announced the detection of “gravitational waves,” the final piece needed to fulfill Einstein’s general theory of relativity.  These particular waves, created when two black holes slam forcefully into one another, were a result of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having sex.

Speaking of West, he and Taylor Swift are at odds again after West raps about having sex with the popstar on his forthcoming album.  As West has yet to release the track in question, there is no word yet on whether or not he lets Swift finish.

After a 408-2 vote in the House of Representatives, the United States Congress has passed new sanctions against North Korea, as the rogue nation continues to develop its nuclear weapons program.  When informed of the bill’s passage, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley exclaimed, “How’d North Korea get two votes?”

Jerry, you did not send HGH to Peyton Manning’s wife.

In one of his final interviews from aboard the International Space Station, American astronaut Scott Kelly said the Earth’s atmosphere looks “very, very fragile,” citing parts of Asia and Central America as the most polluted.  Kelly, who is white, was immediately decried as racist, censured by the United Nations, and jettisoned into the vast nothingness of space, never to return again.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz recently pulled a campaign ad titled “Conservatives Anonymous” because it featured a former softcore porn actress.  Amy Lindsay, whose onscreen credits include Erotic Confessions,Deviant Whores, and Star Trek: Voyager, lambasted Cruz on Twitter, revealing that Cruz had told her on set that he “had seen all her films” and admired her “perky, elliptical nipples.”

How bout that Super Bowl, am I right?  I mean, was that the Super Bowl or The Wiz Live?  Right?  Formation!

Scottish tennis player Andy Murray became a father this week, when wife Kim Sears gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  The child was due several years ago but, like her father, she took much longer than expected to break through.

January Jones sparked pregnancy rumors by showing up at the Super Bowl with what appeared to be a baby bump.  The identity of the child’s father is unknown, but it has been confirmed that he is a better actor than its mother.

I’m gonna drink a whole lotta Budweiser tonight, that’s for sure.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Friday, 6/6/14

Good Afternoon,
 
Before we begin, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of the people who made this weeklong string of memos possible.
 
Now, onto the business.
 
Scientists now believe humans may have played a major role in the extinction of the wooly mammoth.  Surprise, surprise.

Archaeologists in China have discovered the world’s oldest pair of pants.  They belonged to the world’s oldest prude.

As you may remember, I reported yesterday that Anna from accounting had yet again beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity.  It has since come to my attention that she neglected to kill all of the gold skulltulas in the Swamp Spider House, thus nullifying her agreements with all charities involved.  All of the money she raised will be returned, and she has assured me she will be extra vigilant when she attempts the task next year.

An Indonesian volcano erupted for the first time in 15 years last week, reminding everyone that the Earth has been around for billions of years and can kill all of us in any number of ways at absolutely any time.
 
Kardashian Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third child.  Sister Khloe Kardashian remains childless, while other sister Kim Kardashian has two children, Kanye and North West.
 
Jerry, “D-Day” does not stand for “Denny’s Day.”
 
A group of scientists and conservators at Harvard has determined that a book in the school’s library is bound in human skin.  Like everything else at Harvard bound in human skin, the book looks a lot more impressive than it is.

A Ghanaian witch doctor claims to have put a curse on Portuguese soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who may miss the World Cup with a leg injury.  “You think his leg is bad,” said Nana Kwaku Bonsam, whose name translates as “The Devil of Wednesday,” “you should see his penis.”
 
Be sure to stop by the ninth floor pavilion and check out our new exhibition: “Famous South Africans: From Mandela to Dave Matthews,” running now until June 7th!
 
A new study suggests that boys with autism are more likely to have been exposed to higher levels of hormones while in the womb.  Meanwhile, several old studies have proven that vaccines save millions of lives each year.
 
Russian President Vladimir Putin is attempting to strengthen Russian ties with North Korea.  “I saw how that feisty little dictator viciously executed his uncle on a whim,” Putin told a Russian newspaper, “and I thought, ‘I bet we’d be friends.’”

That’s all, my Mountains!  Let’s crush it this weekend!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Tuesday, 6/3/14

Good Evening,

Holy CRAP.  The first back-to-back memos in HISTORY.  When I founded this company 150-someodd years ago, I never thought I’d see the day when… excuse me, I’m just… no, no, it’s nothing… it’s just… something in my eye… ohhhh… I’d better get on with the business…
 
A German museum is displaying a live replica of Vincent Van Gogh’s ear.  The ear is part of a uniquely German exhibition called “This Could Be Kinky.”
 
The US federal government recently seized over $138,000 in cash at a Minnesota airport because the money smelled like marijuana.  In related news, Colorado has preemptively filed for bankruptcy.

112 and still kicking- literally!  Happy Birthday to Anna from maintenance, who celebrated by scoring the winning goal in our corporate soccer league championship!  See you at the World Cup!
 
Nic Pizzolatto, creator of the hit HBO series True Detective, has announced that the show’s second season will feature three new leads and a California setting.  It is tentatively titled Two Guys, a Girl, and a Taco Place.

Under Obamacare, prostitutes at Nevada’s legal brothels are now entitled to group health insurance.  However, it costs extra.

Jerry, I’m pretty sure those are not the words to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”

Ann B. Davis, most famous for playing housekeeper Alice on The Brady Bunch, has died.  And still, all anyone wants to talk about is Marcia.

Scientists have discovered a so-called “mega-Earth,” a planet with 17 times the mass of ours.  “Yes, it is bloated, distant, and inhospitable,” said astronomer Jans Bjornson, “but enough about Kanye West.”

Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak caused a stir on Twitter recently when he called global warming alarmists “unpatriotic racists.”  In a subsequent poll of Wheel of Fortune fans, 11% agreed with Sajak, 4% disagreed, and 85% said, “What’s Twitter?”

As part of our recent naming rights deal, the sixth floor conference room will henceforth be known as the Nabisco Ritz Fresh Stacks Everything Crackers conference room.  Please plan accordingly.

Oscar winner Lupita Nyong’o has been cast in the upcoming Star Wars: Episode VII.  “After those last three films,” said Star Wars creator George Lucas after the announcement, “I decided to try real actors.”

The “Godfather of Ecstasy,” Dr. Alexander Shulgin, has died.  His widow, Ann, has released a statement reading, “In lieu of flowers, please consider making a donation to raving your goddamn face off.”

This is the most regular I’ve been in years!

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Monday, 6/2/14

Good Afternoon,

Thaaaaaat’s right!  There was no memo last week in preparation for a WEEK STRAIGHT OF MEMOS!  This new pilot program is aimed at getting you more news about the company and the world more often.  Will it work?  Who knows?  But when have I ever been wrong?  Business!

Harry Potter star Emma Watson graduated from Brown University last week, accompanied by an undercover bodyguard in full cap and gown.  At the end of the ceremony, the bodyguard received a degree in celebrity management with a minor in postmodern feminist literature.
 
Veterans Affairs secretary Eric Shinseki has stepped down amidst a rash of scandals at VA hospitals around the country.  Or was it a scandal of rashes?  Find out at 11!

Here’s to you, Anna from PR!  Five years sober!  Everybody raise your glass!

A water main broke in Manhattan last week, creating a massive sinkhole and flooding the legendary Katz’s Deli.  “Not to worry,” said Katz’s owner Jake Dell, “We Jews know how to handle a flood.”

Authorities in India are debating whether one of the country’s wealthiest spiritual leaders is dead or in a deep meditative state.  In related news, Lululemon has begun offering classes in “Death Yoga.”

Jerry, “gay” is not an ethnicity.

At time of writing, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are officially married.

Billionaire Petro Poroshenko has declared victory in Ukraine’s presidential race.  When informed of the election, Russian President Vladimir Putin replied, “That’s cute.”

Are you a psychopath?  Take this test!
 
Surgeons in Slovakia have removed a 13-pound tumor from a man’s face.  The tumor represents the largest sustained growth in Slovakia’s history.

Singer Chris Brown has been released from jail.  No woman is safe.

Wow- that’s a lot of news for one day!  WHAT could POSSIBLY happen TOMORROW?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/8/14

Hellooooooo, my little Pop-Tarts.  I know what you’re thinking: “A Wednesday memo?  What gives?”  Well, as some of you know, the holidays are my favorite time of year, and I felt it necessary to take three and a half weeks off.  Think about it – Christmas, New Years, Epiphany, Boxing Day, Hanukkah usually – there’s a lot to celebrate during our long December.  Plus, there’s reason to believe.  Onto the business!

A high school student in Georgia has been suspended one year for hugging a teacher.  Sam McNair, 17, has released a statement reading, “If she didn’t want a hug, she shouldn’t have worn her hair in that tight bun.”

Two pandas born at an Atlanta zoo in July were inaccurately classified as males.  It was recently determined that Mei Lun and Mei Huan were females after they went several months without masturbating.

Chinese doctors saved a Chinese factory worker’s severed hand by attaching it to his calf until the man’s arm healed.  Senate democrats are calling it a major victory for Obamacare.

Jerry, I asked you to do one thing while I was gone.  ONE THING, JERRY.

The London Metropolitan Police has determined that there is no credibility to rumors that Princess Diana was murdered by the British military.  The two branches of government then shook hands, said “Right-o,” and sat down to afternoon tea.

Canada’s Flare Magazine has come under fire recently for its heavily airbrushed June 2011 cover photo of actress Jennifer Lawrence.  The charming Lawrence has laughed off the controversy, saying, “It’s Canada- who gives a fuck?”

No foreigners have been granted Belgian citizenship since a January 1st, 2013 law that requires applicants to “have shown, or be able to show, outstanding services to Belgium in fields such as science, sport or culture.”  The law is what the Belgians call a “Prise Vingt-Deux.”

And the winner for best New Year’s resolution is… ANNA IN LEGAL.  I have complete confidence that you’ll be able to stop that civil war in South Sudan without taking a single day off from work.

Former Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe claims he was cut because of his outspoken support of marriage equality.  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has denied the allegations, stating, “I don’t care who you are or what you do, just so long as you do your job and buy tickets.  Fill the whole stadium up with gays for all I care.  Just don’t let ‘em kiss.  That’s gross.”

Eight inmates in a Utah prison have taken ill after drinking homemade wine tainted with botulism.  Worth it.

A University of Georgia study has concluded that frozen vegetables may be more nutritious than fresh ones.  Updating a previous item, the University of Georgia is still primarily known for its football team.

INTERACTIVE CONTENT: There’s another masturbation joke at the end of this email- can you spot it?

An original painting by George Zimmerman sold for over $100,000 on eBay.  The painting is titled If I Did It.

British department store Harrods is selling a gold-plated Xbox One for 6,000 pounds, or $9,755.  The system is currently on backorder as Kanye West has purchased the first 500.

A Canadian man who lived in a bunker for 14 years to avoid the effects of Y2K has finally emerged.  Norman Feller, now 58, has released a statement reading, “Thank you, Victoria’s Secret, for your lovely catalogue.”

Next memo on Monday, my minions.  Now FLY.  FLY TOWARDS PROFIT.

-The Chairman

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