Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/30/20

We’re still doin this, huh?



Russian Prime Minister Mikhail Mishustin has contracted coronavirus. Russian President Vladimir Putin said Mishustin has been relieved of his duties effective immediately and will be replaced by a lifelike ficus.

The state of Utah has begun offering masks to any residents who request them. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called the decision “long overdue” and “necessary for the annihilation of temptation.”

Speaking of temptation: Anna from Development!

A vaccine developed by the University of Oxford has proven effective at inoculating rhesus monkeys against coronavirus. Radio host Rush Limbaugh addressed the news on his show Tuesday, saying, “Monkeys?! They made a vaccine for monkeys?! This is what’s wrong with the ivory tower liberal elites, they take YOUR money and use it on a vaccine for MONKEYS.”

The Pentagon this week released three previously classified videos featuring UFOs. Officials called the decision “necessary” in order to show people “how dangerous it is to go outside.”

No, Jerry, nobody has “checked on” Edward Snowden.

In a Fox News appearance last month, Donald Trump asserted that, if voting access were expanded in America, “you’d never have a Republican elected in this country again.” He then added, “See, the landowners – very fine people, real estate people – and their slaves, who they vote for by the way, really, I mean, really they’re voting with their slaves in mind… did I say slaves? I meant black- not just black, I meant every, I mean, every group, the people who have to work, you know, who have to work or they don’t eat, which is a lot of very fine people, my people, the best people, the “deplorables,” did you see Hillary Clinton the other day? I mean the woman is crazy, just crazy, and nobody voted for her… except dead people, really, truly dead, beautifully dead, voter fraud and voting and- some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and I believe that our education – like such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as and – I believe that they should- our education over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

A new study shows that Fox News host Sean Hannity may have played a significant role in spreading coronavirus. The same study determined that Hannity’s actions were the most responsible of his career.

My sincere apologies for the typo in my last mass email. “Furloughed” was supposed to read “fired.” Stupid autocorrect!

A Colorado man recently won two $1 million Powerball jackpots in one day after playing the same numbers for 30 years. “I never thought this day would come,” the man, known only as “Joe B” said. “It feels good to finally break even.”

In the hours following a press conference in which Donald Trump suggested that injecting disinfectants could help treat coronavirus, there was a notable increase in calls to New York City’s Poison Control Center. One such call was from Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway, who told an operator she was afraid she had “drunk the Kool-Aid.”

Isn’t this what the robots are for?

Or the Mexicans?

-The Chairman


Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/13/19

Hello Potential Sexual Partners,

As you’ve no doubt sensed, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that this day is like any other at the office, in that I am the only person powerful enough to make routine, inappropriate advances without fear of repercussions. Even in this climate!


A 24-year-old Texas man has died after his vape pen exploded in his hand, severing a key artery to his brain. Scientists are calling the tragic accident “a powerful metaphor.”

At an awards event last April, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos revealed his disdain for the term “work-life balance.” “They are actually two entirely separate entities,” Bezos told the crowd, “You work, I live.”

“My candle burns at both ends; but goddamn am I hot.” – Anna from Sales, after St. Vincent Millay

A London man has been fined $1,300 for filming himself having a threesome on the Tube. The fine is equal to about half the tips he made.

Gucci has discontinued sales of one of its sweaters after several Internet observers noted its resemblance to blackface. “To be honest, it hasn’t been a huge hit,” Marketing Director Ryan Barnes said in a statement, “It was really only selling in Virginia.”

Jerry, you are not the quarterbacks coach of the San Diego Fleet.

In a recent interview with CNN, White House advisor Kellyanne Conway claimed she was assaulted in a Maryland restaurant last year while her daughters watched. “If I ever meet the woman who did it,” Conway’s husband George told reporters in the wake of the interview, “I’m gonna shake her hand.”

Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly told an aide in 2017 that he would use “a bullet” on Jamal Khashoggi, the Washington Post journalist who was brutally murdered by Saudi officials last year. “I’m sorry,” bin Salman said in response to the report, “did I say bone saw?”

It has come to my attention that, in last week’s memo, I confused the prior decisions of Supreme Court justices Neil Gorsuch and Brett Kavanaugh. My apologies! It was an easy mistake, as both are straight white men who have never committed sexual assault.

The United States Justice Department filed criminal charges last month against Chinese technology giant Huawei amidst allegations of intellectual property theft and fraud. “We were hoping not to have to do this immediately,” Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker said at a press conference, “but then we thought, Huaweit?”

While visiting a Georgia congressman this week, members of a federal worker’s union discovered a book about Robert E. Lee on display, opened to a page that asserted black people were “better off” enslaved in America than free in Africa. “That’s a great book,” Republican Representative Drew Ferguson told reporters after the incident, “and they should be glad we didn’t have it opened to a different page.”

Remember: don’t be Cupid, be cupidinous!

-The Chairman