KavaYES – Wednesday, 9/19/18

OH.

MY.

FRIENDS.

WAIT.

YOU’RE NOT MY FRIENDS.

YOU.

ARE MY EMPLOYEES.

AND I.

LOVE.

AND BY LOVE I MEAN TOLERATE.

YOU.

You know that song? “It’s been a cruel, cruel summer”? Well never was that song more true than right here in the year of our lord 2018. Not for me, of course – I made a record $296 million in total compensation along the length and breadth of all my companies – but for my dear, dear friend, and your friend too…

… the honorable justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Now wait, wait, wait – before you all jump down my throat for being “anti-choice” or “misogynistic” or “a fuccboi,” hear me out.

Brett Kavanaugh sucks.

He does! He sucks! I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers and he always be tryin to rape!  I mean, his name is Brett for god’s sake. Is there a name that more loudly screams STRAIGHT WHITE DOUCHE than BRETT???!?!!!

But here, gentle weaklings, is where you and I differ. Greatly. And not just monetarily. Here is where I – educated, landowning kingmaker – and you – impotent, necessarily stupid vassal – prove why I have risen to my lofty station and the highlight of your week is masturbating to the voice of Jon Lovett.

I know who Brett Kavanaugh is. I know what he allegedly* did. And guess what?

I love it.

That’s right. Not the act itself, mind you- I find that reprehensible, I’ve donated to several prominent charities, I’ve listened to Kanye’s song about his daughter, blah blah blah. But the intention? Oh, the sweet, sweet intention…

Presuming you’ve made it this far, and thus can read, I urge you to Google “The Supreme Court.” Keep scrolling, past the pages and pages of material on the homonymous German electro-industrial band, and you’ll find a little-known American judicial institution that’s been home to notorious racistsanti-Semites and, worst of all, straight white men.

Now that you’re back from rage-puking all of your quinoa, click on any old story concerning The Nation’s Highest Court©. I guarantee that, no matter which you choose, you’ll find something you don’t want to see: the law. As Jack Nicholson would say, “You can’t handle the law**!” That’s because the law hurts. The law is evil. And the law doesn’t care if you’re gay or straight, black or white, gay or straight or black or white. All it knows is how to make itself heard. And the way it makes itself heard… is by swingin its dick.

What I’m trying to say, and what is the Chekhovian subtext of any article about the Supreme Court, is that it’s a veritable cadre of big ole dick swingers. Samuel Alito? Dick swinger. Ruth Bader Ginsburg? Dick swinger. Clarence Thomas? Literal dick swinger. In fact, the only historical exception was John Paul Stevens. May he, and his bowtie, rest in peace.

Say, hypothetically, you were allowed to address me directly without being fired. I know, I know, it’s a stretch, but bear with me. In this unrealistic scenario, let’s say you even more unrealistically dared to ask me a personal question. And let’s say that question was, “What do you look for in a Supreme Court Justice?”

I would respond as any red-blooded, Jordan Peterson-reading American and/or Canadian would: “I look for an attempted rapist.”

Face it: The act of deciding on the constitutionality (or lack thereof) of certain laws necessitates a certain je ne sais quois***. It requires a certain sense of “Fuck it, I know what’s best, not only for me but for other people, be they fellow US citizens or prudish teenage girls who need to just lighten up and fuck me already.”

You think Sonia Sotomayor doesn’t have skeletons in her closet? Aside from very probably being an illegal immigrant (hello – “Sotomayor”????), I have it on good authority she once entered the body of a Catholic priest and violated several young boys. And then did it again, and again, and again, resulting in the crisis we are dealing with now. Absolutely disgusting. But is anybody reporting it? Only our generation’s Cronkite, and he just got banned from Twitter.

My (very obvious) point in all this is, if you wanna rescind a few laws regarding reproductive freedom, you’ve gotta break a few eggs. Uterine eggs. The kind of eggs that were (and are) only good for birthing upright, morally unterpitudinous, thoroughly masculine men like Brett Kavanaugh. And Les Moonves. And Kevin Spacey. Except not Kevin Spacey cause he’s gay, and ew.

And so, my various and sundry debt-bound servants, I urge you to follow your heart, to follow your dick, and to get out there and vote for Brett Kavanaugh for the next royal justice of God’s own Supreme Court.

Oh wait- you already did.

… nice.

-The Chairman

*I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I left that party early to fuck. Consensually. I told you, I’ve known the guy since we were in diapers ( ~ 2 years before his first attempted rape).

** truth

*** French for “disregard of rape.”

PS- The memo returns next week.

… or does it?

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/15/18

Hello, consenting adults!  I’ve decided to do a little something different with this week’s memo.  I’ve been feeling slightly “out of touch” with what’s been going on in the world lately, so I’ve made an executive decision to use this communiqué to highlight the latest trend that’s been sweeping the nation…

That’s right: It’s all sexual assault, all the time.

IS THERE ANYTHING HOTTER??

😎

BUSINESS.

Actor Ed Westwick is being investigated by the LAPD after actress Kristina Cohen accused him of sexual assault in a Facebook post.  Somehow the assault, which allegedly occurred three years ago, went unreported by Gossip Girl.

The former owner of New York City club Socialista has corroborated a Fox News reporter’s account of a 2007 encounter with Harvey Weinstein during which the producer masturbated into a potted plant.  In addition, recently uncovered emails reveal the plant was given a role in the 2017 film Tulip Fever in exchange for its silence.

Anna from HR, you’re a fucking prude.  You GO girl!

Yahoo! news reports that Russian trolls watched the Netflix series House of Cards as research for the 2016 presidential election.  “It was a pretty big task, getting a sexual predator into the White House,” said one operative, who goes by the name “Maksim.”  “We wanted to see how they did it.”

Star Trek actor George Takei has been accused of sexual assault stemming from an incident that allegedly happened in 1981.  Takei has vehemently denied the accusations, claiming that, in the 80s, he “only had eyes for Shatner.”

Jerry, no means no.

Alabama State Auditor Jim Zeigler has defended Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore against allegations of sexual assault involving a fourteen-year-old girl by citing the biblical example of Joseph and Mary.  “See, Joseph, he was a lot older than Mary,” Zeigler told reporters at a recent press conference.  “Whaddya mean they didn’t have sex?!”

A former Mad Men writer has accused series creator Matthew Weiner of sexual assault, alleging that he told her she “owed it to him to let him see (her) naked.”  “I thought he viewed me as a Joan,” writer Kater Gordon wrote in a statement.  “But, in that moment, I realized I was a Peggy.”

This Saturday, join us in Conference Room B for our first ever sexual assault training seminar!  We keep up with the times, even when they’re a reeeeaaaaalllllllll downer.

In an unprecedented move, Sony has decided to reshoot all of Kevin Spacey’s scenes in the upcoming film All The Money In The World in the wake of sexual assault allegations against the actor.  Spacey’s character will be played by Christopher Plummer, whom the studio has called “hopefully celibate.”

Weeks after actress Hilary Burton accused Ben Affleck of groping her in 2004, the actor has said he would like to be “part of the solution” to sexual assault in Hollywood.  Hours later, he castrated himself.

C’mon, guys- rape the environment, not people.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/8/17

Happy Day-After-Election-Day!  Or, as I like to call it, The Purge.  LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

Two complete strangers have been arrested for performing a sex act on a Delta flight to Detroit, proving once again that nothing turns people on like Detroit.

Billionaire investor and Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban thinks that creative thinking will be the most in-demand job skill in 10 years.  “By then, we’ll have had two terms of Trump,” Cuban told the audience at a recent conference.  “Many of our most creative thinkers will have died in the gulags.”

Congratulations to Anna from Accounts Receivable on your new position as city comptroller!  Those targeted Facebook ads really worked- especially the one with you and Mary Magdalene in a thumb war!

After actor Anthony Rapp came forward last month to accuse Kevin Spacey of making a sexual advance on him when he was only 14, several more men have accused Spacey of inappropriate sexual conduct.  Spacey, however, says it couldn’t have been him, because he walks with a limp.

In related news, comedian Andy Dick has been fired from his latest film for sexual harassment.  The surprising move comes mere weeks after Dick was hired for sexual harassment.

Jerry, you were not… wait, you were elected governor of New Jersey?

Three UCLA men’s basketball players have been arrested in China on suspicion of stealing in advance of their season-opening game in Shanghai.  Chinese authorities have also accused the players of traveling, shooting, and charging.

In a recent interview, Kim Cattrall told Piers Morgan that she and her Sex and the City co-stars “have never been friends,” making her such a Miranda.

Speaking of elections, run for office council!  It’s a thing I just came up with to boost morale without substantive change!

A pop-up café in Australia is hiring a professional avocado taste tester.  Buzzfeed has rated the position number 3 on its list of “Best Jobs for Millennials”, behind only craft beer cicerone and none.

Walmart has apologized after a third-party listing on its website used a racial slur in the name of a product.  “We would also like to apologize for any harm we may have caused,” Ritz spokesman Daniel Abernathy said.  “From now on, they’re ‘biscuits.’”

Say it with me: ONE DOLLAR, ONE VOTE.

-The Chairman

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