Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/27/19

Good Afternoon Eye Fuckers,

The second Trump-Kim summit starts today! WILL THEY SING SHALLOW??

God I hope so. And then kiss. Finally.

BUSINESS.

The latest reports out of Washington indicate that Attorney General Bill Barr could submit Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report on Russian meddling in the 2016 election to Congress as soon as this week. Congress would then be in a position to act on the report’s findings as soon as 2025.

On the eve of the second summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un this week in Vietnam, CNN reports that during the first such meeting last year in Singapore, the former told the latter that he had known “plenty of people” from powerful families who had “emerged messed up,” but that Kim “wasn’t one of them.” “You should be glad,” Trump then added, “that your father murdered anyone who could have spoiled you.”

Please join me in congratulating our Employee of the Month for February: Anna from Weather Management! Keep those chemtrails coming (and going)!

A spokesman for the Chicago Police Department said Empire actor Jussie Smollett recently staged a racist and homophobic attack on himself because he was “unhappy with his salary.” Smollett called the assertion a racist and homophobic attack and demanded that his salary be raised.

Potential independent presidential candidate Howard Schultz has derided Democratic presidential candidate Kamala Harris’ plan to abolish private health insurance as “not American.” “What’s she gonna do away with next?” Schultz told CBS This Morning, “war?”

Jerry, we know you loved Green Book.

In his prepared remarks before Congress today, Donald Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen said he recalled Trump telling him that the businessman’s son Don Jr. “had the worst judgment of anyone in the world.” Cohen testified that he responded, “Worse than Eric?”, to which Trump replied, “Who?”

Following a recent ban on recyclable imports by China, US cities are sending more and more such materials to landfills and incinerators. The materials will then be burned, releasing into the air toxic chemicals that cause chronic illnesses necessitating pills from bottles made from other recyclable materials, thus completing the recycling process.

PSA: In preparation for a highly likely nuclear exchange between India and Pakistan, please watch this video. Individual tortoise shells will be available in the twelfth-floor cafeteria, and if you see a monkey, SAY SOMETHING.

Las Vegas was blanketed with half an inch of snow last Wednesday. The covering was reportedly snorted up within minutes.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft has been charged with two counts of misdemeanor solicitation in connection with a far-reaching prostitution sting in Florida. Prosecutors have officially named the charges Eli Manning so Kraft can’t beat them.

Every time a nuclear weapon is detonated… a star is born.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/25/18

Hello Freak Athletes,

The NFL Draft starts tomorrow! Or, as I like to call it, CTEaster. Who is risen? Who is fallen? Who is a domestic abuser?

Buckle up those chin straps and LET’S FIND SOME GOOD EGGS.

BUSINESS.

Doctor Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs, may not be confirmed after reports he doled out prescriptions “like candy” and drank on the job. In light of this new information, legislators recommend Jackson return immediately to his position as Trump’s personal physician.

A YouTube celebrity recently said “Gucci Gang” one million times for charity. The charity has since returned all proceeds, citing a healthy level of shame.

You da bomb, Anna from Stratego!

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will use a parrot to announce some of the team’s picks during the upcoming NFL Draft. There is a chance the parrot will be announcing itself, as it recently flew a 4.2 40.

US Citizenship and Immigration Services’ new mission statement no longer calls the United States “a nation of immigrants.” Donald Trump says the decision was made “out of respect for the tremendous sacrifice of Native American and indigenous peoples across this great land.”

No, Jerry, those are not dumplings.

A naked gunman opened fire at a Waffle House in Tennessee over the weekend, killing four. “I used to be all for guns, but now I’m not so sure,” local resident Tim Gentry told reporters after the incident. “Schools are one thing, but church is sacred.”

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has announced he will close his country’s main nuclear test site. He has since announced the opening of a new site in South Korea.

There is nothing more malleable than the human heart. That’s according to our newest artist in residence, Theodore Walpole, whose latest exhibition Real Human Organs is on view through Saturday in the second-floor atrium. Donate!

New regulations proposed by the Trump administration would allow restaurant owners and managers to take a share of servers’ tips, so long as those servers make minimum wage. Trump has called the plan “an important way to reward risk-taking, entrepreneurial Americans who watch other people work.”

Residents of New York’s Brooklyn Heights neighborhood are complaining that local rats have grown huge from eating the trash from a neighborhood Chipotle. “We’re actively working to poison these rats,” company spokesperson Quinn Kelsey told the New York Post. “Have you tried our queso?”

Remember: If the shell isn’t cracked, the yolk inside is juuuuust fiiiiiine.

Now get back in there and HIT SOMEONE.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 2/28/18

It’s the last day of February! As is customary on all non-leap years, the office will remain open this evening through March 2nd, and everyone is expected to stay both nights to make up for lost productivity. I don’t make the rules!

Oh wait, yes I do. BUSINESS.

While speaking about the recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida this past Monday, Donald Trump told reporters, “I really believe I’d run in there, even if I didn’t have a weapon.” “I’d be fine,” he added, “nobody would ever shoot a president.”

A Cornell food scientist is under fire for reportedly manipulating data in a number of prominent experiments. Experts became suspicious when such an esteemed scientist was working at Cornell.

Congratulations, Anna from Sales, on finally becoming Mama John! He was bound to settle down eventually.

860 pounds of cocaine have been found at the Russian Embassy in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The drugs are thought to be part of a coordinated under the influence campaign.

In further Russia news, a group of “transhumanists” in the country is charging $36,000 to freeze a person’s body in anticipation of a war- and disease-free future. Such bodies are thought to make up about 1% of Russia’s frozen assets.

Jerry, please stop referring to Chloe Kim as “a Korean sleeper agent.”

A photographer caught White House advisor Stephen Miller napping this week in the middle of a meeting about school safety. When asked afterwards what he dreamt about, Miller responded quietly, “My master.”

A Slovak investigative journalist working to uncover corruption amongst his country’s businesses has been murdered, along with his fiancée. “I’m surprised,” Vladimir Putin said when informed of the incident, “I had nothing to do with this one.”

Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees,

And marmalade skies…

That’s right, it’s time for another “Managing Stress at Work” workshop with Susan from HR! This Thursday: LSD.

Following the recently concluded PyeongChang Olympics, North Korea is reportedly open to engaging in talks with the United States. “That Adam Rippon,” DPRK leader Kim Jong Un said in a statement, “he’d make me open to anything.”

Amnesty International has named Donald Trump a human rights violator. “Sick, bro,” 24-year-old Nick Verduzzi of South Orange, New Jersey said of the news. “Pussy is a human right.”

Before you know it, it’ll be February 29th… of 2020!

 

And Donald Trump will still be president.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 3/1/17

Good morning, potential Best Actresses!  C’mon… we all know Emma Stone was a mistake, too.  Who’s gonna tell her?

NOT IT.  Business!

Russia is reportedly drafting a psychological dossier on Donald Trump ahead of the businessman’s first meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin.  The dossier is said to contain 15 pages of “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” in Russian.

The French army is adapting the age-old art of falconry to take down suspicious drones.  The practice is said to remove the least reliable part of the French military- the French.

Aw, Anna from Horticulture, you got me all choked up again… and then you saved me with your exceptional EMS training!  Now that’s how you do Munchausen by proxy.

According to a new report, the Trump Winery in Virginia has asked the federal government’s permission to hire more foreign workers.  The request is expected to be granted by the man who owns the winery.

Vendors say a new Philadelphia soda tax has reduced sales of sugary drinks by 50% throughout the city.  Supporters of the tax contend it has made the city healthier, as Philadelphians are now buying milk when they need glass bottles to throw at opposing sports teams.

Jerry, Moonlight is not “your story.”

A magician was found dead last week in a closet at LA’s famous Magic Castle.  The magician was said to be David Blaine, who suddenly awoke and replaced himself with the dead body of a different magician that he may or may not have killed.

Facebook now accommodates money transfers on its messenger app.  The idea is not revolutionary, as people have been sending kidneys through MySpace for years.

Do you ever wonder why some salsa is green and some is red?  It’s your corneas, stupid!  Come get them checked out at our yearly free eye exam, this Friday in the main cafeteria.  Just don’t drive there!

Potential convert to Islam Lindsay Lohan says she was recently profiled by London airport security for wearing a headscarf.  Authorities say that she was actually profiled for being Lindsay Lohan.

Japanese network Fuji Television has obtained footage showing the recent attack that killed Kim Jong Nam, half-brother of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, at a Malaysian Airport.  The video shows an assailant with long black hair crawling out of a well and slowly ambling towards Nam as he watches in horror until the screen cuts to stati- HOLY SHIT GET AWAY FROM ME YOU FUCODSOIEUJR –wr=w=r 03*@#U*=-

And the Oscar goes to…

Nope- not gonna fall for that one again.  NOBODY WINS ANYTHING.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 11/27/14

Happy Thanksgiving!  Can I borrow someone’s buckled shoes?

A Montana branch of the Klu Klux Klan has begun accepting new members regardless of race, religion or sexuality.  “We want to encourage everybody to join,” said chapter leader John Abarr of Great Falls, “provided he or she has killed at least one black person.”

In related news, a grand jury in Ferguson, MO has decided not to indict Darren Wilson, the white police officer who shot and killed unarmed black teenager Michael Brown in August.  “There’s simply not enough evidence to indict him,” the grand jury’s decision read, “plus, we’d like an excuse to loot some jewelry stores.”

Two thumbs way up for Anna from marketing!  This past Saturday, she was finally able to commune with the ghost of Roger Ebert.  Turns out Grown Ups 2 wasn’t bad, just misunderstood.  Glad we cleared that up!

Political strategist and entertainer Ben Stein recently called Barack Obama “the most racist president we’ve had.”  When asked about the comment, the President responded, “Huh.  Who wants to see season one of  ‘Take Ben Stein’s Money’”?

A Washington-based megachurch has closed some of its branches after its founder called women “penis homes.”  “I meant that women are incredible beings endowed by God with myriad holy responsibilities,” clarified founder Mark Driscoll in a recent interview.  “They are also phallus shelters, semen condominiums, and sperm wigwams.”

A new study indicates that psilocybin mushrooms may help smokers quit smoking.  And start doing battle with the thousands of tiny cockroaches covering their bodies and those of their loved ones.

Jerry, please refrain from referring to your fantasy football season as the Trail of Tears.

Divers have found the remnants of an ancient civilization off the coast of the Greek island of Delos.  The Greek government is reportedly “very excited” to have found an example of a civilization in the region that once had money.

The new name for Kraft Foods Inc. sounds like a Russian term for oral sex.  “To be fair,” wrote Kraft CEO W. Anthony Vernon in a statement, “what doesn’t?”

Don’t forget to check out the company’s Thanksgiving pageant, Plymouth Rocks!, featuring the Greater Halifax Gay Children’s Choir, tonight at 6 PM in conference room B.  It’s “Purentertainment!”

A new study suggests that texting puts 60 pounds of stress on a person’s neck.  If the text is from a mother-in-law, it can be up to 120 pounds.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has reportedly turned to drinking “snake wine,” wine mixed with the rotting body and venom of a dead snake, to treat his sexual dysfunction.  The glorious leader’s wife has said she has “definitely noticed a change” and, “if I don’t say that, they’ll kill me.”

The pilgrims died for our sins.  Gobble gobble!

-The Chairman

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