Internal Memo for Wednesday, 8/14/19

Hello Summertime Sadlets,

I, The Chairman, am BACK after a much-needed 2-week vacation. After all, writing the memo isn’t all I do for this company- I also schedule it, send it out, admonish you for not reading it, and, of course, PROFIT.

I had a lot on my mind during my little “summer” “break”: unnecessary protests in Hong Kong, unnecessary deaths in America, unnecessary remakes of Home Alone… but what consumed my consciousness more than anything else was Dustin Diamond. Yeah, Screech. Does he still work here? I hired him a while back to do some sexual harassment training videos for our Thailand office and I heard he was still hanging around? Are we paying him or what? Don’t get me wrong, I like a celebrity boxer as much as the next guy, but if we can no longer write off his per diems as a compliance expense he’s gotta go.

Dustin, if you’re reading this, thank you for your service. Now GTFO.

BUSINESS.

An asteroid large enough to destroy a city came within 44,000 miles of Earth last month. NASA has released a statement promising they will redirect the next one to Washington, DC.

A new study links anticholinergics, a widely-used class of drugs, to a much higher risk of dementia. The study’s publishers have admitted their findings may be unreliable, as many subjects kept forgetting to take their pills.

Anna from Maintenance, I had no idea you were a Juggalo! Wasn’t that sex tent great?

A jury has ruled that singer Katy Perry’s 2013 hit “Dark Horse” copied parts of a 2009 Christian rap song called “Joyful Noise.” The jury ruled that the former song’s lyrics were eerily similar to the original, “So you wanna play with Jesus, boy you should know what you’re fighting for, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jeeesssssuuuus, Jesus you’re a dark horse.”
 
An Iranian cargo ship sank off the Azerbaijani coast late last month. The vessel was reportedly carrying a shipment of tiles that the Iranian government has called “weapons-grade.”

Jerry, we all know you do CrossFit.

A proposed merger between T-Mobile and Sprint has been given the go-ahead by the United States Justice Department. Should the deal finally be consummated, it would mark the first successful connection for either company.

Singer Wayne Newton is being sued after a monkey bit a girl who was visiting his Las Vegas home in 2017. Newton is said to be “surprised and grateful” that the suit was not related to sexual assault.

Have you ever dreamed of owning your own home? Well, now you can with our company-sponsored friends and family mortgages! They have a low introductory rate of .0001% APR for the first year, and only 50% every year thereafter! Inquire with HR today!

Amsterdam is planning to ban all fossil fuel-powered cars from the city by 2030. “There’s really no need for them,” Mayor Femke Halsema said on Tuesday, “you can go just as fast cycling on mushrooms.”

Kim Kardashian has trademarked the name “Kimono” for her new shapewear line. The act has angered many of her Japanese fans, who wish she would make another sex tape where she fucks an octopus.

UPDATE: If you do come into contact with Dustin at any point, exercise extreme caution. He may be armed.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 4/18/19

Happy Mueller Report Day, [redacted]! You had to wait for this special edition of the memo just like Congress had to wait to find out that [redacted] discovered the true identity of [redacted] while surveilling [redacted], which led to [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] and a generous [redacted] of [redacted] [redacted] and [redacted] steak frites.

Absolutely [redacted].

[REDACTED]!

A new study indicates that workers who fake positivity while serving customers are at greater risk for heavy drinking when they get off work. In response to calls to change its policies, TGI Friday’s has instead created a pilot program called “TGI AA.”

A new study has found high numbers of microplastic particles in the air in France’s Pyrenees Mountains, leading one researcher to label microplastic “a new atmospheric pollutant.” As a result, Netflix has stopped streaming The Graduate.

Anna from Compliance, nice cameo in Game of Thrones! I wish you’d let me ride you like you let Jon Snow 😉.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that she wants to take the California bar exam by 2022. Kardashian said she plans to uphold the family tradition of being famous for anything other than practicing law.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu has declared that, if re-elected, he will begin annexing the West Bank. The move has inspired Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi to vow that if he is re-elected, he will begin nuking Pakistan.

Jerry, apologize to the people of France.

UK grocery chain Waitrose has pulled an assortment of Easter ducks in which the dark chocolate piece was labeled “Ugly” after accusations of racism. The store has said it plans to re-release the collection with the duck instead labeled “Objectively Beautiful But Systemically Devalued Through Years Of Unchecked Imperialism, Colonial Aggression, And Unrealistically Eurocentric Beauty Standards (Trust Us, We Would Know, We’re British).”

Donald Trump tweeted this week that he will award the nation’s highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal of Freedom, to Tiger Woods. “He’s become a role model for a lot of people, including me,” Trump said in a statement, “by sleeping with so, so many women.”

In anticipation of Easter, the HR team has been at it like rabbits! They’ve gone and hidden special festive eggs all around the office. What kind, you ask? Why, the only kind that’s been proven to defend against autoimmune diseases, of course: tapeworm! Happy hunting!

In a letter released last Thursday, retired Pope Benedict blamed the child sex abuse scandal plaguing the Catholic Church on the sexual revolution of the 1960s. “If those people hadn’t had kids,” Benedict wrote, “and then their kids hadn’t had kids, and then those kids hadn’t had kids, none of this would have ever happened.”

A new report says FEMA may have exposed the personal information of some 2.3 million disaster survivors. “There is obviously a silver lining here,” FEMA press secretary Lizzie Litzow said in a statement, “any leaked addresses are unusable.”

I can’t believe [redacted] peed on [redacted] while [redacted] watched! The Steele Dossier was [redacted]!

We’re all [redacted].

-The [redacted]

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 11/7/18

It’s Election Day in America! Don’t fall for the fake news- all of those people posting about voting yesterday were PAID CRISIS ACTORS. TODAY is the day to make your voice heard.

Polls are open from 7-8 AM.

ELECTORAL BUSINESS.

A new study shows that, in addition to preventing disease, the immune system plays a pivotal role in healthy organ function. Scientists say fuckin duh.

A Michigan bar offered free orders of “Crack Fries” to voters on Election Day. The owners of Detroit’s HopCat brewpub said they no longer felt comfortable reviving the 2016 version of the promotion, which featured free Oxy Burgers.

Anna from HR, are you Florida’s Amendment 9? Cause you make me wanna ban both offshore drilling AND vaping in the workplace.

For a limited time, adult entertainment company Pornhub is offering free leaf removal services in Duchess County, New York. A spokesperson for the company said the county led the nation last year in searches for “Clean Lawn Anal.”

A group of Buffalo Bills fans has started a GoFundMe page for struggling quarterback Nathan Peterman to convince him to retire. In response, the National Football League has started a similar page for quarterback Colin Kaepernick.

Jerry, we all know 538.

Campbell’s Soup has distanced itself from comments made by one of its lobbyists implicating philanthropist George Soros in orchestrating the “migrant caravan” approaching the United States border. “We like to think of each of our employees as a different flavor of Campbell’s Soup,” CEO Keith McLoughlin said in a statement, “and this man is split pea.”

The Justice Department is reportedly investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for using his office for personal gain, a decision that could pave the way for Donald Trump to continue to do so.

In honor of Michigan legalizing recreational marijuana, we’ve instituted companywide drug tests! Get yours tomorrow in Conference Room B!

Amazon is reportedly finalizing a deal to split its second headquarters into two locations: Queens, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia. Experts say the company chose Crystal City for its proximity to The Pentagon, allowing for easy access to drones.

A Dutch artist has begun making soap from liposuctioned fat. The bars will range in price from $20 to $250, depending on which Kardashian.

Why is it that we “run” for office but “skip” to my Lou?

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 4/11/18

Gooooooood afternoon, maggots! It’s another beautiful day on the corporate dunghill!

Remember, it is you who make this entire enterprise possible. For it is you who churn through an endless manure of regulations and government overreach, transforming it into a beautiful (and nutritious!) soil of profit. The smell alone is enough to bring a tear to my eye…

Business!

A Rhode Island nudist campground is hiring a lifeguard for this summer. Administrators say the position has great potential for growth.

Black Panther is set to become the first film to screen in a Saudi Arabian movie theater since the country lifted its 35-year ban on cinemas earlier this year. The film has been heavily edited, as it contains multiple salacious depictions of women driving.

Congratulations, Anna from PR, on making the first contribution to your IRA! The company will not be matching.

Singer R. Kelly, who reportedly runs a “sex cult” full of brainwashed women (first reported here), now stands accused of grooming a 14-year-old for sex. Kelly has denied the charge, stating, “I haven’t done that since Aaliyah.”

In the months of January and February, the Hungarian government spent €8.1 million on anti-George Soros messaging campaigns. The figure represents a fraction of the approximately €11 trillion Soros paid to protestors during the same time.

Jerry, there’s no such thing as “chlorophyllia.”

A new “smart condom” promises to track sexual performance and detect diseases. “As Facebook has proven,” i.Con creator Mark Hubbings told reporters, “data is a necessary part of getting fucked.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have given birth to their third child via surrogate, a boy named Chicago. Donald Trump has since called the child “a war zone” and threatened to send in the National Guard to control him.

Don’t forget: Monday is National Pet a GMO Day!

A Green Bay Packers wide receiver was arrested last weekend after joking about bringing a bomb to an airport. Once again, he was bailed out by Aaron Rodgers.

The FBI raided the offices of Donald Trump’s personal attorney Michael Cohen on Monday, in a move Trump called “a total witch hunt.” “He has nothing to hide!” Trump later tweeted. “HE DOES NOT OWN A BROOM”

Keep chewing up the competition, little ones! Maybe someday, you’ll fly away…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/24/18

Good morning, all.  It has come to my attention that, due to recent high temperatures at our Sydney office, some of our most vigilant attack bats have died.  This has left our colleagues down under perilously open to potential danger, as Australia is a land of convicts.  Thus, I am instituting the first companywide draft since the 1960s- all men, women, and children over the age of 13 will be required to register with our new Mandatory Service Office and await further instruction.  Semper prodest!

BUSINESS.

Federal immigration authorities last week raided dozens of 7-Eleven stores around the country in search of unlawfully employed illegal immigrants.  The raids were said to be the result of a misunderstanding after Attorney General Jeff Sessions watched The Problem with Apu.

A Russian couple suspected of killing and eating up to 30 victims has been apprehended.  The husband and wife were reportedly caught with their hands in the hand jar.

Congratulations, Anna from Accounts Receivable, on your new baby!  Sorry you have to give it to Kim and Kanye :(.

While awaiting retrial on charges of sexual assault, Bill Cosby performed an impromptu standup comedy set at Philadelphia’s La Rose Jazz Club Monday night.  Sources say the club featured a special cocktail for the evening.

A vacation home where President Obama occasionally stayed with his family from 2008 to 2011 is available to rent at a reported $3,500 a night.  The property’s listing says it is in Hawaii, but many people are saying it is actually located in Kenya.

Jerry, this company was not the inspiration for Get Out.

Delta Airlines has adopted new guidelines prohibiting passengers from traveling with certain emotional support animals such as turkeys and ferrets.  “If turkeys were meant to fly,” Delta said in a statement, “God would have given them wings.”

In further Delta news, the airline is one of multiple carriers considering charging passengers on flights from the United States to Europe for checked baggage.  Delta says the move will allow the company to lower fares, then raise them again in a few months.

Thinking about violating your NDA?  Don’t!

2018 has already seen over a dozen cases of poisoning from the so-called “Tide pod challenge,” a game in which teenagers dare each other to eat the eponymous laundry detergent capsules.  Police across the nation are asking teens to come clean.

Missouri Governor Eric Greitens has admitted to an affair with his former hairdresser.  “What can I say?” Greitens said at a recent press conference, “She gives a mean blowout.”

Vladimir… Bubbles… Drac… you’re all going on the Wall of Honor.  R.I.T(rees).

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Sunday, 11/6/16

T-minus two days til #Electpocalypse©.  Time for another late night information du-uh, MEMO.  Yes… sweet business…

Ben & Jerry’s and New Belgium Brewing have teamed up to create a chocolate chip cookie dough ale, available now in select states.  Industry experts are calling the new brew “a pedophile’s dream.”

Archaeologists have unearthed a corpse in northwestern China that was buried under a shroud of cannabis.  Those same archaeologists were devastated to discover the skeleton was actually a prop from the upcoming Chinese remake of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

Paging Anna from Legal.  Anna from Legal, you left your black velvet bra on the table in Conference Room B.  PS- Nice!

A Ukrainian prankster who tried to kiss Kim Kardashian’s butt in the days before she was robbed at Paris fashion week claims he was using the stunt to advocate for natural beauty.  “Yeah, yup, oh yeah,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said of the man’s defense.  “Me too.”

In further Kardashian knews, Kim and her husband Kanye Wests’ former bodyguard tells the New York Daily News that he thinks the aforementioned robbery may have been an elaborate publicity stunt.  “I’m not saying they’re lying, I’m just saying they know how to fool a very large number of people,” now-actor Steve Stanulis told the paper.  “I mean, her dad convinced everyone he was a dude for a pretty long time.”

Jerry, you are not polling better than Jill Stein.

Glee actress Dianna Agron has married Mumford and Sons’ singer Winston Marshall.  The bride and groom are said to have a lot in common, including pretending that its 2009 forever.

The Pentagon announced that a top al Qaeda leader has been killed in an airstrike in Afghanistan.  “Unfortunately,” Pentagon defense analyst Richard Morgan wrote in a statement, “that still leaves 33,000 of Hillary Clinton’s emails unaccounted for.”

Company fantasy football league update: Graham Gano remains available.

A new report from ocean conservation group Oceana shows that 20% of all seafood served worldwide is mislabeled, costing consumers about $15 billion annually.  “Huh,” said computer programmer Segun Akindele when told about the news, “I didn’t know bankers were getting into fish.”

Tesla CEO Elon Musk is still trying to figure out why his SpaceX Falcon 9 Spacecraft exploded before takeoff several weeks ago.  “As the smartest person in the world, I’m very frustrated,” Musk told reporters.  “Somebody fucked up- possibly everybody.  Everybody but me.”

Wow, so much election news!  And not a single story of businesses destroying the environment, pension funds or the housing market…

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Saturday, 2/13/16

Happy Lent, sheeple!  In celebration of our oldest and Christianest holiday, I’ve decided to give up not writing memos for forty days!  No, that doesn’t mean you’ll be getting a memo a day (who has time for that?), but it does mean you’ll be getting them regularly from now until the end of time.  Seeing as North Korea just tested a long-range missile, I should be off the hook soon.  Business!

It was revealed last week that Bernie Sanders is the only presidential candidate who pays his interns, at a rate of $10.10 an hour.  Upon hearing the news, Donald Trump began paying his previously unpaid interns $15 an hour.  When asked about his decision, Trump replied, “I will not be thought of as cheaper than a Jew.”

Japanese decluttering guru Marie Kondo, author of the popular book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, is in New York City this month, filming herself helping local residents tidy their homes.  When asked how she felt after interviewing several prospective clients, Kondo replied, “I’m a little surprised… I’ve never seen so much live-action porn.”

Everybody throw some beads at Anna from Sales!  No, she didn’t flash anyone at our annual Mardi Gras fête, but she did ferry 23 employees with alcohol poisoning to the ER.  Safest year yet!

A team of scientists has announced the detection of “gravitational waves,” the final piece needed to fulfill Einstein’s general theory of relativity.  These particular waves, created when two black holes slam forcefully into one another, were a result of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West having sex.

Speaking of West, he and Taylor Swift are at odds again after West raps about having sex with the popstar on his forthcoming album.  As West has yet to release the track in question, there is no word yet on whether or not he lets Swift finish.

After a 408-2 vote in the House of Representatives, the United States Congress has passed new sanctions against North Korea, as the rogue nation continues to develop its nuclear weapons program.  When informed of the bill’s passage, former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley exclaimed, “How’d North Korea get two votes?”

Jerry, you did not send HGH to Peyton Manning’s wife.

In one of his final interviews from aboard the International Space Station, American astronaut Scott Kelly said the Earth’s atmosphere looks “very, very fragile,” citing parts of Asia and Central America as the most polluted.  Kelly, who is white, was immediately decried as racist, censured by the United Nations, and jettisoned into the vast nothingness of space, never to return again.

Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz recently pulled a campaign ad titled “Conservatives Anonymous” because it featured a former softcore porn actress.  Amy Lindsay, whose onscreen credits include Erotic Confessions,Deviant Whores, and Star Trek: Voyager, lambasted Cruz on Twitter, revealing that Cruz had told her on set that he “had seen all her films” and admired her “perky, elliptical nipples.”

How bout that Super Bowl, am I right?  I mean, was that the Super Bowl or The Wiz Live?  Right?  Formation!

Scottish tennis player Andy Murray became a father this week, when wife Kim Sears gave birth to a healthy baby girl.  The child was due several years ago but, like her father, she took much longer than expected to break through.

January Jones sparked pregnancy rumors by showing up at the Super Bowl with what appeared to be a baby bump.  The identity of the child’s father is unknown, but it has been confirmed that he is a better actor than its mother.

I’m gonna drink a whole lotta Budweiser tonight, that’s for sure.

-The Chairman

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