This is a big day.
THE RETURN OF THE MEMO.
La CucaraCHA, La CucaraCHA… dadadadadadadadaaaaaaaaaaaa.
I’ll admit it’s been a busy couple months juggling my duties as head of NFL PR and an unmanned drone, but rewarding nonetheless. Not as rewarding, however…
AS THE BUSINESS.
Let’s get right to it.
Russian President Vladimir Putin caused a stir recently when he draped a shawl over Chinese First Lady Peng Liyuan at a state dinner in Beijing. Putin insists the act was done “purely out of respect,” and that he “could sleep with her if [he] wanted to- anytime, anywhere.”
A new survey has determined that Colgate University boasts the most dateable college alumni. “I love dating people from Colgate,” said respondent Jordan Gross, 25, of New York City, “I never feel intellectually threatened.”
Seattle’s Erotic Bakery, which specialized in cakes depicting the human anatomy for almost 30 years, has closed. “Our business started strong,” said owner Kimmie Barnett, “but I just couldn’t keep it up.”
Anna, you look positively radiant! That koala poop really works!
A state representative in Washington has been re-elected despite being deceased. In related news, the state’s legalization of marijuana has been a resounding success.
According to a recent study, half of all available jobs are never advertised. Keep up the good work, HR.
Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak walked off the set of one of the show’s “Best Friends Week” episodes in Hawaii after two sets of contestants gave horse-related answers to the same incomplete puzzle. Apparently, Sajak was unaware that bestiality is both legal and encouraged in the state.
Jerry, it’s been almost three months. Let it go.
Newlyweds Donnie Wahlberg and Jenny McCarthy will star in an A&E docu-series about their marriage. The show’s working title is “Nobody Cares.”
Netflix has petitioned the FCC to block the proposed Comcast-Time Warner Cable merger. The FCC has started the bidding for its ruling at $25,000,000.
Over 80% of America’s cocaine supply is laced with a veterinary drug that eats flesh. Its name is Andy Dick.
Chinese doctors have discovered a 24-year-old woman born without a cerebellum, the part of the brain responsible for balance, posture, and speech. In accordance with the country’s population control laws, she has been executed.
The Thanksgiving turkey drive is in full swing! Same rules as last year- whoever donates the most turkeys gets a Cadillac El Dorado, second gets a set of steak knives, and third gets fired. Good luck!
The mansion from the classic film The Godfather is up for sale. “There’s only one catch,” advertises real estate broker Connie Profaci, “once you go in, you can never get out.”
Blackberry is suing Ryan Seacrest’s company Typo for copyright infringement. “We believe that Typo is trying to steal what makes Blackberry great,” Blackberry CEO John S. Chen said in a statement, “what is that again?”
Pope Francis has declared that the Big Bang theory and evolution are “proven fact.” As a result, he will now burn in hell.
A recently released video from 1995 shows dangerous orca behavior at SeaWorld Ohio. “This footage proves nothing,” said SeaWorld spokesperson Elaine Griffin. “Being both black and white, Kayla the orca was simply sorting out her conflicting feelings about the OJ Simpson trial.”
Researchers in Australia have determined that cities are making spiders grow bigger and live longer. “And the worst part is,” said scientist Roy Chambers of the Australian Research Council, “they’ve started mating with bankers.”
It’s football season… who’s up for a group shower?
PS- Jon from digital is just killing it with these VIDEOS.