Too hot for a memo last week… far too hot. This week, however…
still way too hot. Nonetheless: business!
Divergent star Shailene Woodley traveled across country in advance of the Democratic National Convention to canvass for Bernie Sanders. Woodley, who says she routinely eats clay, is our most predictable actress.
Newly revealed records indicate unpresidential candidate Donald Trump once used money donated to his charity to buy himself a football helmet signed by Tim Tebow. The purchase ranks as the third-best investment of Trump’s life.
Congratulations to Anna from Legal on taking her latest case all the way to the Supreme Court! Raccoons ARE people too!!
A new study indicates that people take fewer sick days in states that allow medical marijuana. The same study shows that work-related accidents in those states are much more frequent.
In further “weed” news, officials in Hugo, Colorado, have determined that the small town’s water supply does not contain THC, as was previously thought. Thus, in one fell swoop, several disgraced citizens lost their excuse for enjoying The Secret Life of Pets.
Jerry, Philadelphia is not “the poor man’s Cleveland.”
Last week, potato chip giant Lays released four limited-time only flavors, including “Indian Tikka Masala” and “Brazilian Picanha.” In the wake of the recent leak of Democratic National Committee emails, the company announced a fifth flavor: “Russian Salt.”
Despite myriad other issues facing the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has chosen to release a set of new rules aimed at contemplative nuns, those that live in cloistered monasteries and have no contact with the outside world. Among the important new regulations are “pee less,” “pray harder,” and “stop thinking about sex.”
I just spent a lot of money on this foosball table- you fuckers better use it.
Following a seven-month investigation, the NFL has determined recently retired quarterback Peyton Manning did not take human growth hormone. Despite the favorable result, Manning has decided to appeal the ruling, saying in a statement, “Anything Tom can do, I can do better.”
I just paid a dog to pee on me.
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