Internal Memo for Wednesday, 1/9/19

Hello Failed Resolutionaries,

New year, new company! Man… those new tax laws are really kickin’ in, huh? After “repatriating” approximately $1 billion in overseas profits, we’ve seen them grow to $2 billion! Tax-free! How?

Don’t worry about it! Remember those $1,000 one-time bonuses? Me too. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, good times.

But enough about dull old “finances,” it’s 2019! The year of SEX. And BUSINESS.

Beginning this year, public school students in Texas will learn that slavery played a central role in the Civil War. The decision is a stunning departure from the state’s prior curriculum, which held that who cares?

A Canadian man arrested outside the White House earlier this month said he was hoping Donald Trump could “help him find a wife,” and had brought Trump two bottles of Crown Royal. When the man was told Trump doesn’t drink, he replied, “Yeah, and Mexico’s gonna pay for the wall.”

Anna from the Cafeteria, I like my coffee like I like you: BURSTING with milk.

The United States Army has begun recruiting for an esports team aimed at connecting with young people. The new team’s slogan will be “Love Fortnite? KILL FOR REAL.”

new report prepared for the US Senate shows that Russian operatives used every major social media platform during the 2016 election either to encourage voters to support Donald Trump or discourage them from voting. The report, which cost approximately $4 billion, also uncovered that Russia is a “country” that is “very large.”

Jerry, you did not win a Golden Globe for The Kominsky Method.

To Facebook’s surprise, British Parliament took the extraordinary step of seizing a number of the company’s internal documents pertaining to data and privacy controls. “This is an outrage,” Facebook CFO Sheryl Sandberg told reporters in the aftermath. “They are using our proprietary methods of handling information.”

Foot fetishists have discredited a nude photo said to depict Congresswoman Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez as fake. As a reward, Rex Ryan has been rehired as head coach of the New York Jets.

Watch out! The third floor snake is molting!

Arby’s is giving a 97-year-old World War II veteran free food for life. The offer was reportedly suggested by his 96-year-old friend from the army, who wants to soon become the oldest living veteran of the war.

Marriott’s guest reservation system was recently hacked, exposing the personal data of over 500 million people. The hackers have since released a statement saying they don’t know much about computers, but they did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

My resolution is to stop reading articles on the Internet.

Shit.

-The Chairman

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Internal Memo for Thursday, 6/5/14

Good Evening,
 
So far, this week has been the company’s most productive in decades.  Coincidence? I THINK NOT.  Business!
 
Scientists at Stanford University may have found the molecular basis for hair color.  “Today, we are one step closer to our goal,” said research specialist Catherine Guenther, lead author of the landmark study, “a world without gingers.”
 
A supervisor at Atkinson Cotton Warehouse in Memphis, Tennessee threatened to hang a black employee for drinking from a “white people only” water fountain.  “We will not tolerate this sort of bigotry,” said outraged owner of the warehouse, E.W. Atkinson.  “We would expect this in Europe, but not here.”

For the third year in a row, Anna from accounting has beaten The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask for charity!  This year, she raised over $45!
 
An American University law professor made the case to a group of senators Tuesday that, if spending money constitutes free speech, outlawing prostitution is unconstitutional.  His comments were followed by a brief silence, broken only by one senator’s excited cry of “Told ya!”
 
Though she died in 1996, Bulgarian prophet Vanga appears to have predicted Crimea’s split from Ukraine.  Her most prescient quatrain, from 1987, reads, “A land… a certain kind of land, inhabited by people… will change.”

Jerry, it remains inappropriate to repeatedly tell our female employees to “lean in.”
 
Video has emerged of Justin Bieber repeatedly using the N-word.  The video, taken five years ago when the singer was only 14, proves once again that we have only ourselves to blame.
 
General Motors has apologized for sending recall notices to the families of victims of recall-related accidents.  Not because of the sentiment, but because they were printed on what one company spokesman called “substandard paper.”
 
Betting is officially open on June’s Employee of the Month race!  Stop by the seventh floor OTB and lay your money down.  Current favorite: Jared from IT at 5:1.
 
A Missouri woman has been charged with felony theft after raising thousands of dollars from donors who thought she had terminal cancer.  “I should’ve known,” said deceived donor Amanda Shillingsworth, 24.  “Real cancer patients just deal meth.”

A Florida man has declared himself a sovereign state in order to avoid sending his 8 year-old daughter to school.  As his total assets amount to over $15, he is expected to become a full member of the European Union within the month.

I just want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for your exceptional ability to derive inspiration from these incredible memos.
 
-The Chairman

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